No Justice for Domestic Abuse Victims (Non Violent)

[MagicalCreatures]

So I finally decided to report my ex husband's abuse.
It was never physical but was very emotional, and mentally damaging.

But they can't do a thing. Even with historical diaries, voice recordings, pictures, videos and text messages.

There was stonewalling, gas lighting, manipulation, some sexual abuse in the sense of getting angry with me for not wanting it and leaving me to pick up his 'dirty' tissues every day. He also used to make me wear sexy lingerie everytime we did it, even if I told him it made me feel uncomfortable. He would just get angry with me again if I didn't.
He would moan at me everyday for not financially contributing after having our son. Even though I did but because I didn't work full time anymore, he saw me as a worthless being in the marriage.

Even since leaving him, he has logged into my email account to check up on me and has even been opening my bank statements and hospital letters which I can all prove.
But apparently there is a certain line you have to cross with this because we were and are married (going through divorce) so he can get away with it all.

I just don't understand.

I really thought they took this thing seriously nowadays.

I called women's aid months before I split from him too.

Only reporting it now because I tried desperately to keep all this shit from our son but it became apparent he is never going to stop trying to ruin my life.
So I thought what have I got to lose.

The only thing they say they can do now is if he starts hassling me again (which I don't think he will be stupid enough to do now) then I can file for harassment.

So he has got away with it.
I am so much better for finally getting away. I know that. But I will never truly get away because we have our son together.

And he's laughing because he has successfully managed to convince everyone that I was making it all up.

I’m so sorry magical creatures. I don’t have any advice but didn’t want to read and run. My h is very similar to yours and I desperately want to leave. Well done you for leaving

I know what you mean by you’ll never be free because it does seem no amount of being a nasty angry abusive person is enough to warrant not being able to be in innocent kids lives.

But you have done something amazing by showing your child that it’s not normal and providing an example of a calm normal household.

Keep strong xxx

I am so sorry this happened to you @MagicalCreatures. It is so difficult and so painful when you have suffered such cruel behaviour from someone who was meant to love you, a d so unfair that this continues to linger over you because you can't go no contact.

You are brave to have reported him for his behaviour. Coercive control has been made a criminal offence and taking that step alone was significant to your recovery.

Can you change your email password? Surely that counts as stalking?

I agree op. Same here. The law is worth nothing.

*There was stonewalling, gas lighting, manipulation, some sexual abuse in the sense of getting angry with me for not wanting it and leaving me to pick up his 'dirty' tissues every day. He also used to make me wear sexy lingerie everytime we did it, even if I told him it made me feel uncomfortable. He would just get angry with me again if I didn't.
He would moan at me everyday for not financially contributing after having our son. Even though I did but because I didn't work full time anymore, he saw me as a worthless being in the marriage *

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law, none of this is illegal.

Coercive and controlling behaviour is illegal. But generally to be prosecuted, it has to take the form of controlling all the bank accounts, contact with others, basically being kept prisoner etc.

@babypeach thankyou for your kind words and I'm so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation.
It took so much strength to leave. I'd planned on staying until my child was much older but after a particularly nasty verbal incident, I knew I had to go.

I am so much happier without him (even with all the crap going on) and I realise in a sense I am free. I feel sorry for the next poor girl that ends up with him but I realise that he is clever and has used all of this to his advantage and won't make the same mistakes again.
Therefore I will forever look like a liar.

After 2 years of not being interested or bonding with our son, he is now also playing the devoted dad so I even feel like I have lost out there. My son won't remember him being horrible. Only how wonderful he is now.
I'm scared he will slowly pull him away from me. I feel like it has already started.

@xsquared again thankyou for your kind words.
I have changed my passwords.
And yes it should have come under coercive control which is seen as an illegal act now but for some reason, it just isn't enough. I don't understand why.

@KopparbergCazza
I see . Thankyou for the information.
The investigator did say that he is just generally a very nasty man and to feel lucky I got away.
But he controlled my life then and I haven't truly got away cos he will continue to have that affect on me everyday.
I have to relive everyday how he made me feel. Everytime he picks our son up, I get the same sick tense feeling in my gut knowing I'm going to see his face.
It feels like it's never going to go away

Unfortunately, you have made the mistake many of us do. Reporting is not about truth or fairness or closure for victims.

The word "justice" in the phrase "Criminal Justice System" refers to judges or magistrates. It simply means the application of our criminal laws by judges.

It does not now nor has it ever referred to justice in the sense of "just treatment".

So, the laws on abuse have improved but the system is ultimately not attempting to provide fairness or closure, it is only attempting to apply those laws.

I disagree with pp though who says the examples of psychological coercion are not illegal. They still add up to an offence of coercive control, which is a crime. Just because an individual's criminal act is not prosecuted or convicted doesn't mean it isn't illegal. Just means a punishment has not been pursued or imposed (which is all a conviction is about - establishing the state's right to impose punishment on a person, absolutely nothing to do with establishing truth).

All you can do is keep hold of the fact that you know the truth - even if he had been prosecuted and convicted there would still have been people who believed his version - and ensure that you contact the police if you are in danger or he continues to pursue a course of conduct of harassment. Harassment is a course of conduct offence so they can't act based on one incident but can once it gets repeated.

You're traumatised. You feel that way because you're traumatised from his abuse. That also means you can heal and feel better than you do now.

It's a cliche but recovering from the trauma so you can live a good life is the best justice available.

It feels like it's never going to go away

That fear and hopelessness is the trauma speaking. It is something you have in common with everyone who's ever been traumatised, and it can go away.

Trauma makes you feel hopeless, but there is hope still there.