Marriage gone to sh*t since having a baby, help!

[Bettyok]

My husband over the last year since ds was born has completely withdrawn from me emotionally. He shows me no attention or affection, doesn’t touch me in anyway, when I walk into a room he doesn’t look up or acknowledge me. When I try and ask him what’s going on he usually denies anything’s wrong and just give one word answers, it’s so frustrating. I love talking and I’m naturally a very chatty person, so to be ignored in this way really cuts deep. He’s always been a quiet person but never to this extent, I’ve booked an appointment with a couples counsellor which he very reluctantly agreed to, but didn’t seem keen. Is this anything anyone else experienced after having children? Will it get better, shall I hang in there for the sake of my ds or will he be happier with two separate but happy parents instead of two together but miserable? (Obviously a lot more is going on but don’t want to post an essay!)

Hi OP,
Has he bonded with your son?
I would definitely give the counselling a shot before considering packing it in.
Sorry not to be of more use other than to bump. Xx

@Bas27 He’s a wonderful father! Which is just so lovely to see and our son adores him. But on the other hand does highlight even more how withdrawn he is towards me when he’s so loving with our little boy, so I know he has it in him, he just chooses not to with me.

Are there any signs he has developed a relationship elsewhere? Late home from work, guarding his phone etc?

Perhaps he's feeling a bit left out. Have you had any time alone since dc born?

@Mintjulia the way he is in the relationship is exactly how I would expect someone to act if they had found someone else but I’m 99% sure he hasn’t, always leaves his phone lying around and I know the passcode, never home late, or goes anywhere suspicious. To be honest he’s so anxious about covid he doesn’t really go anywhere but work or home. I’ve suggested a date night without ds but he’s just said “why would we want to go anywhere with out him?” Which then makes me feel like a bad parent for not wanted to spend all our time with our son 🙈

Babies are tough on marriage, that first year of no sleep and totally shifted priorities...it's hard.

Could it be a bit of post natal dad depression?

How are you doing, can you get support to help you with everything going on? It's hard to self care with so much on your shoulders x

@Toomanypickles thank you for asking 😭 I think as mums that’s the last thing people usually ask! I’m struggling tbh, being rejected on a daily basis is taking a toll on my mental health. Also being a new mum without any family nearby and juggling work is so hard! No one tells you how hard it’s going to be before you have children do they!! 🙈

@Toomanypickles definitely think he’s got some form of depression but “toxic masculinity” and all that, means he’d never admit to it or seek help. Hopefully the couples counsellor will pick up on this and make some suggestions? 🤞 not really sure what to expect from the counselling.

I think counselling could be an opportunity for him to open up to you more. Certainly, it sounds like he's not very happy, and he clearly isn't making you happy at the moment. But I think often men don't realise how much their behaviour pushes you towards ending the relationship. They should realise this, but many don't! I wonder if your dh would be shocked if he knew your mind was on potentially separating. Make that counselling appointment and do give it some time. If you do end up separating, at least you will know that you gave it a chance. Good luck, I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment.

You said you are chatty and that he’s always been quieter - is he an introvert?
I am, and after having my first I had no emotional energy left in me for my partner by the end of the day! It’s draining for most people looking after a baby, but as an introvert I found it emotionally exhausting beyond anything I’d done before!
I couldn’t offer any conversation (or affection) to my partner for many months and retreated into books and my phone in the evenings - I’m very lucky he was very understanding and patient during that time.
Could it be something similar?

DH withdrew from me after I had DD. He also had a very stressful job at the time, and, in hindsight, he just didn't have the emotional energy for me on top of a new baby. We went through years of fighting, and almost separated. In the end, we decided to go for couple's counselling, and it really helped us, but wasn't an overnight fix. I wish we'd done it sooner. 4 years on, we are much happier and expecting our second. Our marriage isn't perfect, but it is much better now. On reflection, what came out of counselling was that we would both probably benefit from individual counselling for our separate issues, as it wasn't always about our relationship.

@Itsseweasy I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there, I’ve never really thought about it that way before, that he just is giving everything to being a good dad and to work and just doesn’t have anything left to give. That does put a different perspective on it, thank you!
@marplemead he does have a stressful job as well, glad to hear the couples counselling worked for you. Hopefully with some work it’ll be a bit easier, I do agree with you as well that we could do with some individual counselling. I do think I’m overly sensitive to things he does sometimes because they touch a nerve and hit on issues I have that have nothing to do with him.
It’s just a case of keeping my head until things get easier I guess 🤞

Did you have a particularly traumatic birth? I've heard some men become traumatised after seeing their wife be cut open or bleeding etc. and they just emotionally shut down afterwards.

It must be very frustrating for you to get one word answers saying everything is OK when it clearly isn't. Hopefully the counselling helps him learn to communicate his feelings better.