End the friendship or persevere?

[Sparkletastic]

Was going to name change for this but then couldn't be arsed....Apologies for length of post.

Have had two difficult incidents with a friend over the past year. First one was when she had a go at me in front of my DH and her DH for not being sufficiently 'respectful' towards my DH. As background, although she now works she hasn't done so for most of her marriage to a lovely but chauvinistic DH. She has DC who have in the past aped her DH and treated her very rudely. Whilst DH and I are by no means a perfect married couple we are a very good partnership. He doesn't treat housework or childcare as doing me a favour whereas in her marriage this has all fallen to her. Apparently I don't give him enough credit in public for this.

Second incident was at a friend's house. She again launched into me but this time saying that she didn't trust me as I only say supportive things to her. Lots of other stuff too about her problems with me - none of which she'd ever mentioned when sober. After this repeat performance I realised that a pattern was emerging despite a decade of very close friendship up to that point. We met to try and clear the air but the conversation didn't go well as she told me that I was clearly depressed and needed counselling. I had expected some sort of apology but none was forthcoming. I said I needed to take a big step back from the friendship. She then suggested we 'divide up' our mutual friends and never see each other again.

To clarify, I've never suffered from depression and am generally speaking a very contented person. She on the other hand does suffer from depression and generally fragile mental health. She's frequently commented that she finds it odd that I don't get depressed.

She sent me a very long email justifying herself but then saying she'd rather have me in her life than not. I replied saying that I wasn't family and she should feel no obligation to continue with the friendship. I suspect this wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Since then I relented somewhat and have made efforts to build bridges. These have seemingly been gratefully received however there has been another incident this week whereby she has let my DH down rather badly. I'm now thinking was I foolish to try and repair things and that it might be better to 'break up'. RL friends told me to ask MN for advice so here I am! Any thoughts gratefully received.

Reading your last two comments, I have to agree with Fromage now – I think this "friend" has been deliberately trying to cause you upset and now she's deliberately costing you money. Bin the other couple as well, clearly they've taken her side.

I'd be wary of the other couple too now, looks like she's already started the 'dividing up' of friends. It's textbook isn't it, she will slowly be telling people her side and of course you wouldn't bother to think of it but it's already happening.

That's gutting about the birthday. I'm so sorry.

But lovely other friends are rallying round. That warmed my heart. And I guess it takes the decision out of your hands. You can just let it slide now.
No need for speeches or meetings or snotty messages. Just let it quietly fade away.

It's by the by now, but @wouldyoudothesame, I thought your post was thoughtful and empathic

P.s. Happy birthday to @Sparkletastic dh

Please step back from this person. They are clearly not well but that is not your problem to solve, nor are you there to have your life, marriage in fact anything to be critiqued.

For you. i have a "friend" like this and im slowly stepping away too.

Oh wow I have just read about the birthday and the other couple drifting over to that side too. This is just awful. I went through a similar thing with a gang of girls once; one had a meltdown, accused me of causing her to have a nervous breakdown (I had simply tried VERY kindly to tell her I didn't agree with her interpretation of some things, she initially thanked me and I have since learned then sat up drinkingjg a bottle of vodka and plotted my demise) and the others who I also believed were my friends started shuffling her direction muttering about how it was too awkward now.

I was gutted. They individually try to reach out to me now and meet up, years later. I guess they all had their experiences of her too later on.

My advice is to completely ditch them. There is no excuse for ruining your DH's birthday and landing him with the bill. If the other couple apologize down the line maybe give them another chance but otherwise no.

Yeah this thread is really helping me to make my peace with ending the friendship. Ex friend can be lovely but she has so many demons and I seem to have become her target. DH is usually fairly implacable. I don't think I can forgive them screwing him over.

I don't think I could be arsed with this tbh. Lots of unnecessary drama. I'd rather focus on non complicated friendships.

She then suggested we 'divide up' our mutual friends and never see each other again

I'd tell her to fuck off and I would be done with her shit. She's unhinged.

Fuck her! Sorry for the blunt words but life is really too short to waste time and precious energy on those that do not treat you right. You do not owe people anything just because they have 'demons' or other issues. I would not give it that much headspace or agonise over it. Just drop her, she sounds like a passive aggressive cuntywanker.

She has said that I go too deep with people but she's always liked those sorts of discussions when it is about her. She likes it less when I'm talking to other friends

she got upset about her perception that I had more fun with other friends. I also have a best friend that I'm devoted to and I think that was tough for her.

Look at this in the context of a romantic relationship if that makes it easier. The way she wants to divide up your friends as if you're divorcing and they're possessions! Is she a narcissist and must be center of the universe? Does she even see others as "people"? Entities with full autonomy, that are separate from her and unconnected to her? She's trying to isolate you from your friends. Trying to dictate how you spend time with them. Trying to keep all your attention on her and her woes and it's working because you've even made this thread . It's classic controlling behaviour. Now more recently it's escalated to put-downs and displays of anger in public.

There's something very very wrong with this woman and she's taking it out on you.

She sounds toxic. Jealousy is completely eating her up. Very calculating to let you pay for the weekend before cancelling. I mean, you wouldn't even do that to a non friend, would you?

And also look at your own boundaries. I'm a pretty easy going person and forgive some toxic behaviour in some people because I enjoy other aspects about them. I am also a pleaser and put myself out for people. I have now stopped putting myself out for undeserving people but it took a long time.

Thanks so much to all who have commented as you've really helped me get some perspective on this. I think there has been real attempts from her to control me and my relationships with others. And then more recently this has taken the form of public dressing downs when I don't behave in the way she wants me to. The friendship is over. I do have to see her this weekend in the company of some mutual friends but I will go for polite distance and avoid any 1:1 conversation. After that I won't have to see her any more.

She's unhappy with her life and jealous of your stability.

I'd cut her out, pronto.

Do you think stbxdf influenced the other couples decision to pull out?

Been through something similar - especially the public dressing downs. It was all projection and gaslighting, always triggered by something she felt shame or frustration about in her own life (and wine) but repackaged to look like it belonged to the person she was targeting. Looking back it was like she was talking or sometimes shouting at herself in a mirror. I stuck it out for a long time hoping it would stop or making excuses for her. I"d known her for nearly 20 years when she started doing this.

In the end I just quietly walked away and she was fairly unpleasant behind my back for quite a while and lied continuously, meddling with other friendships, which was hard to deal with. Discovering she'd done this before in her other friendship groups made it easier, there's a quite a list of people who've cut off contact with her over the years for the same reasons. She's sounds toxic OP so do what you think is right but brace yourself for some backlash and rise above it.

Just get rid of her. I feel sorry for her clients. She isn’t fit to be a therapist.

When you say you're worried about giving up on someone vulnerable... you may need to check your co dependency levels. Often you can feel a want or need to be there for someone, which may ironically be ego driven. I've done this before (had shit parents) its not healthy.

You really don’t need someone like her in your life. She brings you nothing but stress and Aggro, dumping her obvious resentment and unhappiness onto you.
Life really is too short for this. A quick hello, then move on and leave her to it.

@bigbaggyeyes

Do you think stbxdf influenced the other couples decision to pull out?

I'm not sure - it is certainly possible.

@Snorkelface

Been through something similar - especially the public dressing downs. It was all projection and gaslighting, always triggered by something she felt shame or frustration about in her own life (and wine) but repackaged to look like it belonged to the person she was targeting. Looking back it was like she was talking or sometimes shouting at herself in a mirror. I stuck it out for a long time hoping it would stop or making excuses for her. I"d known her for nearly 20 years when she started doing this.

In the end I just quietly walked away and she was fairly unpleasant behind my back for quite a while and lied continuously, meddling with other friendships, which was hard to deal with. Discovering she'd done this before in her other friendship groups made it easier, there's a quite a list of people who've cut off contact with her over the years for the same reasons. She's sounds toxic OP so do what you think is right but brace yourself for some backlash and rise above it.

Thank you this really resonates - she even mentioned 'being made to feel ashamed' in one of her lengthy emails to me. There will be fall-out with shared friends but I'm prepared to lose a couple of other people along the way. And yes this person has a history of falling out with people too!

Let the chips fall where they will. Remain your bright sunny self and it will be auto sorted. Anyone that remains her friend will have it turned on them in due course no doubt. Just keep being happy. It will all look different in a year.

You are describing my sister completely. If your 'friend' had no friends I would think it was my sister. She has no friends left and my family give her a wide berth as she is so obnoxious.

Another get rid vote. She sounds like a nightmare!

Maybe the other couple cancelled to appear neutral in this feud your nutter friend has created..
Wall away op. Let them contact you.. Or leave them to deal with her from now on.
If that is the case sadly they weren't real friends.

@Sparkletastic

Thanks so much to all who have commented as you've really helped me get some perspective on this. I think there has been real attempts from her to control me and my relationships with others. And then more recently this has taken the form of public dressing downs when I don't behave in the way she wants me to. The friendship is over. I do have to see her this weekend in the company of some mutual friends but I will go for polite distance and avoid any 1:1 conversation. After that I won't have to see her any more.

This really is your best way forward . Three years ago I stopped contact with a friend who did similar but often by chat . I now realise after some CBT that I have lived most of my life as a "yes person" in trying not to rock any boats . This friend of mine had always been the same and it caused me anxiety to even see her or see a message as I was anticipating some sharp words. To cut a long story short I am so relieved she is out of my life .

Thanks MrsMaizel. I've gone through sadness and anger about it all and I feel like I'm moving into relieved territory too. So sorry this happened to you too. I'm feeling very grateful for my other friends who are blessedly drama-free