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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need a little TLC and understanding

24 replies

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 09:15

I was married for 17 years, we split five years ago after his affair. Since then I've had a long distance relationship with a caring gentle older man who was separated from his wife. We were together for two years and I saw him each week when he travelled for business. I've just found out that although he's separated from his wife, they've just visited his parents together (which doesn't sound so separated). I was hurt, I ended it by text and told him not to contact me again. He hasn't. I'm sad that I've lost who I considered my best friend and partner. I'm sad for my DDs 16 and 18 who had built a relationship with him. I know it'll pass but this unassuming, gentle older man has hurt me, we talked of a life together and I think in his heart he might've wanted it (he has no kids), but financially, his head told him otherwise and he wasn't as separated as he said he was. I'm embarrassed that this man seems to have duped me. I'm angry that my trust in men has gone again and I have low self esteem. I really struggle to meet people, I rarely get an instant connection or find people attractive and it's usually something that happens over time by forming friendships first.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/07/2021 09:22

I'm sorry he's not the man you thought he was. That's on him, not you.

Can you afford some counselling or coaching to try to rebuild your self-esteem and help you develop more of a social life? otherwise there are lots of self-help things available to try to build yourself back up again when you're ready.

Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve the relationship, and don't beat yourself up over it.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 09:47

Thanks for replying, I have a couple of friends not in the same group so I can talk it through individually with them. One is the total opposite of me and wants to 'get me out there' which isn't really me but she knows and understands this. I really do feel like I'm grieving (yet again).

OP posts:

seensome · 07/07/2021 09:55

Did you ever go to his house or only see him when he travelled to you?
It's a bit weird that she visited his parents, it could be that she got on well with them still? Did he mention you to them and his friends?

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 10:12

I only saw him when he travelled to me as he was always travelling (life out of a suitcase) and was frequently up here. I did question him about why I never went to his home but his answers were so plausible (he was always up here so no need etc) the Covid came and we didn't see each other and then it carried on and off from there. He wasn't mean about his 'ex', but he said they'd grown apart and that they'd both agreed to separate etc. There'd be no reason for her visiting his family with him if his separation was as he described. He's also not been in touch since I sent the text 11 days ago which tells me something

OP posts:

seensome · 07/07/2021 10:58

You've definitely done the right thing then, it's very odd that you hadn't gone to his house, because he had a wife there! and of course if he was innocent he would of surely tried to prove that and he didn't. what a chancer, so sorry you spend two years on him.
Getting out there again will definitely help, you need to detach from him.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 11:38

I do need to detach and I'm trying but I find myself drifting off and thinking of him and the future I've 'lost' but never really had. I'm angry he formed a close friendship with my 16 yo, she was really hurt after her dad left and hasn't spoken to him since. She's struggled with mental health and my 'partner' was really caring and sympathetic with her, telling me how important it was that we do the right thing by her and me (after my ex). I can't believe he's behaved this way. I think he'd convinced himself he was being caring and genuine.

OP posts:

Mad4Max1 · 07/07/2021 11:45

Sounds like he was still married, but traveled for work

ClosdesMouches · 07/07/2021 13:00

Sorry this has happened to you.
I suspect he was never separated in any sense of the word, especially as his job gives him the opportunity to do this. His wife probably has no idea about his cheating.

Where did you first meet?

This type of duplicity can be tough to come to terms with not just because he's cheated but has also deceptively placed you in the postion of other woman.
So take your time to work through the various emotions it will bring up. And be kind to yourself.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 13:18

We met through work, he was very private about his personal life and everyone was so full of praise of him, 'he's lovely, he's so caring, compassionate etc etc.' and he really did come across this way. We didn't air our relationship to the business as we didn't know how it would be perceived and we no longer work there.

I've had a really tough day today, I think the realisation that I didn't really matter as much as he said I did, due to lack of contact to explain himself. It's the double edged sword of wanting to hear from him to know he's thinking about me, but not wanting to hear from him because I know he's going to tell me a pack of lies.

OP posts:

ClosdesMouches · 07/07/2021 13:39

Coming up with a tale to tell you is very likely. Plus He is probably panicking because now the cat is out of the bag he will be covering his arse at home in case you tell his wife.
At least you no longer have to work with him.

Funatlast · 07/07/2021 13:48

So do you think he was actually living with his wife as a couple all along?

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 14:03

@Funatlast I'm starting to think so, yes. I've no inclination to find out or tell his wife. I know I need to move on but struggling with the lack of closure. Having closure means talking to him and I don't want that either.

OP posts:

Malena77 · 07/07/2021 14:19

OP - be kind to yourself. You honoured him with your trust, time, emotions and he didn’t appreciate it. His loss.
With time, you’ll heal and move on. Sadly for him, he’s stuck with his own self and unless he works on his issues the future looks bleak not only for him but his current/future partners.
Hold on to dreams and goals - but remove him from them, he had the privilege to be part of them but clearly it was a misplacement.
Stay NC.
It hurts a bit extra when you are deceived by someone coming across as kind, genuine, caring, compassionate etc. Some people are good at compartmentalising their life the way it suits them and they (don’t want to) see the damage they cause by living this way.
See it as a lucky escape for you and an experience that’ll help you to see warning signs in the future!

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 14:33

Having closure means talking to him

Why?

You've exhibited strong boundaries by leaving. That's something that many can't do, and something that you should feel really proud of yourself for.

category12 · 07/07/2021 14:40

I don't think you can really get "closure" from another person, especially a proven liar - you can only really do it for yourself.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 15:36

@Malena77 he always said he was good at compartmentalising things, he said he had boxes for things where he could 'park' his feelings. He said he had to learn how to do this early on in life after an abusive upbringing. I'm just gutted and my friends can't believe he's not been in touch to explain or apologise.

OP posts:

Malena77 · 07/07/2021 16:06

He’s an emotionally unavailable man and compartmentalising is part of this emotional deficit. You will not get a closure from him as I bet he has somehow justified his choices for himself in order to not to feel bad or guilty. ‘I am a good person’ is part of this scam.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 16:27

@Malena77 I think you're right again. I envisaged him accusing me of hurting him by ending the relationship. He's that sort of person. I've had a quick read about compartmentalisation and it can often stem from a traumatic upbringing which he had. It now sounds like I'm making excuses for him. I'm not.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 16:42

I envisaged him accusing me of hurting him by ending the relationship. He's that sort of person

He plays the victim rather than taking responsibility? How would you expect him to offer you 'closure'?

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 17:57

@TheFoundations true. I know I'll be fine, I'm just hurting and I don't quite know what to say to my daughters. I'm embarrassed I've fallen for this tbh.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 18:04

Why are you embarrassed? The guy made you happy, and when he crossed your boundaries, you left. That's a GREAT example for daughters.

Original poster

AbsolutelySure · 07/07/2021 19:16

True, I'll tell them when I can stay composed. I don't want to shed tears in front of them, they saw what their dad did to me and I don't want them to worry about me when it'll pass

OP posts:

litterbird · 07/07/2021 22:51

I am so sorry you are hurting. Sadly, as others have said I would suggest he was never separated but still married and you were a lovely relationship to have whilst he travelled. I am sure you meant something to him when you were together. He has now compartmentalised you into the closed box. That hurts. He wont contact you for now as you really have caught him out and he has no explanation. As for moving on, this is a good learning curve to keep new relationships away from building closeness with children. Unless you are completely certain the man is divorced/properly separated and you have complete access to his entire life, friends and family who know about you. You are handling this break up with composure and your children will learn that these things happen and you can move on. Explain to your children exactly as you have explained to us. Own up to any mistakes you may have made but also ensure that they see that your boundaries you have activated are the best way to protect yourself and your self esteem. They will learn how strong and important boundary making is. Its ok to shed tears in front of children as there is a good explanation as to why you are hurting, they will then understand and watch you find strength to move on. Your children will go through many heart aches in their life and they will see that you can overcome them with strength.

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 23:24

What an absolute d*ck. sorry he has done this to you.

You mentioned he doesn't have any kids so there's no reason for him still to be with his wife unless he wants to be. He's not trapped or stick and no reason to live together while having separate lives etc.

If he was genuinely single and you messaged him about her, he would've been reassuring, telling you it's definitely over, he loves you etc etc.
The fact he's gone quite is to protect his marriage as he wants to stay with his wife. He's not a victim in any sense of the word.

I don't mean this post to sound harsh but I think you need to see it for what it is do you can move on. You seem more sad at night hearing from him than angry at the appalling way he has treated you and lied throughout

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