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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is trying again

14 replies

Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 07/07/2021 08:54

A month ago I ended a relationship that was kind of a situation ship for my own mental health. He was a a horrible person that started off nice and changed. He hid a lot of things from me and then gradually things just started tumbling out. He's a typical toxic person I suppose. He's a manipulator, he's a cheat, he's a liar. He has history with alcohol addiction. He is just not pleasant. When I met him he was very convincing that he was the good guy. He started to emotionally abuse me I suppose. It was a gradual thing and I did wake up pretty quickly. There were a few bumpy patches where he would go off for ages and then return. For the first couple of times i was a bit blind to what was happening and figured I had said the wrong things and it was my fault. But I started to see he just didn't want me to have an opinion or ask him questions that made him feel like he had to commit. He made out he wanted a future with me but he clearly was never going to to step up to the table.

Most of his games are around other people. A lot of women have been hurt by him in various ways. He's had some long term relationships and many little realtionship type flings. This is I suppose what I come under. He will entertain you for approximately 4 to 6 months and then he gets bored and starts playing games. By that point you've been conned into thinking he loves you and all the rest.

Once I had enough evidence he was lying through his teeth about everything I managed to dump him last month. I blocked him on every platform that we used to communicate. I was hoping after all the ups and downs he would finally be gone now as my last message I pretty much told him what I thought of him and it wasn't nice. A normal human being who had been told that's how a person sees them would not want to communicate with that person again.

My phone buzzed at around 2 a.m. this morning. It was a random message from him on WhatsApp. We don't usually talk on there at all so I didn't think he would even think about it. He also blocked my number back in march and it had stayed blocked even in May when he came back again. I used to have to call him off private number so we could talk. He sent me a message with one letter and that was it. Nothing else no words just a random letter. I haven't opened it and and I've ignored it completely. But I don't know how worried I should be at this stage about this behaviour. He's in his forties and this is just not normal behaviour. Not at that time in the morning and not without using actual words to communicate.

He's obviously hoping I will message him and asked why he sent that so he can either pretend he didn't mean to or that he was checking I was not blocking him. So he's wanting another round of games. Which I am not doing. I've done a lot to help that man out and he's burned aall his bridges with me now and I'm fed up. So would you be concerned about this latest attempt to contact or do you think he will go away as this will be the first time I've not responded to him. Thank you to anyone who can share their experiences in similar things.

He needs to see a therapist and and he really needs to sort his head out he's a mess. I actually feel quite sad when I see how dysfunctional he actually is and he definitely is needing some help. He has a variety of problems and he can't help himself so nobody else can help him either. This is why I want him out my life because I've got no energy left for him anymore. He's also had suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide in the past. Overall he's a very disturbed individual who continues this pattern with various people. The reason I stopped speaking to him and lost all respect for him was because he lied through his teeth about a woman on his Facebook. He was insisting she was his friend and she told me they had had sex numerous times over the last few months. So he was well and truly sneaking behind my back and he told me off just a few weeks ago for thinking he was looking out other options/people. He said he was really hurt that I was suspicious of him looking elsewhere. So he was that sick in the head he tried to get me to apologise for something he claims he wasn't doing even though he was doing it big style.

I really am trying my best to move on and I feel quite sad this morning that he still has focus on me. He doesn't want me. So why can't he leave me alone now and get on with his life?

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 08:56

Just block him and move on. Do not reply and get sucked back in.
Too much headspace given op....

xsquared · 07/07/2021 09:02

He's hoovering you and as long as you respond in any way, shape or form, he will try to suck you back in the drama.

People like him are relentless and he will stalk and harass you. Keep evidence of contact, but continue to ignore and block him. Report to the police if you've already made it clear you don't want contact. If you need to, send one more message telling him not to contact you ever again or you will report for harassment, them block him on that too.

You need to concentrate on your recovery and that can't happen while he is still lingering.

Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 07/07/2021 09:03

Yes well the headspace given is because its affected me and the ins and outs are too much for on here. I've been through alot with him. Its going to take time. But I have no interest or intention of communication. It is just my fear what he might do next as he still hasn't let go of me to be doing that at 2am.

OP posts:
pog100 · 07/07/2021 09:04

You are way overthinking it. You make the right decision, acted correctly and have stuck with it. For God's sake don't spoil it be reacting to this blatant fishing. Move on!

Itsbeenalongwhile · 07/07/2021 09:05

You have good insight, I don't understand why you have not blocked him...?!

Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 07/07/2021 09:05

@xsquared

I did think about telling him he needs to stop with the games and leave me alone as enough is enough. I have blocked him on there now. But worried what else there is. His head works in such a strange way.

OP posts:
Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 07/07/2021 09:08

I have blocked him but we never used that app for communication so I didn't even consider that.

OP posts:
Ntwa · 07/07/2021 09:09

Op I get it. My ex stalked me so much I got a RO on him. We are 5 yrs on and he’s only just stopped contacting me after thinking he’s blocked. It does affect your mental health and isn’t as easy sometimes to just block and move on, especially if you see them too.

Xxxxeverywherexxxx · 07/07/2021 09:43

@Ntwa
It's horrible. Just when you think it's over they poke you again. It's like I've never been able to get away from him yet since march we've been nothing. I let him talk to me in may as there was still a little piece of me left hoping he had sorted himself. But then I found out about the woman he'd been seeing.

He was caught with chocolate around his mouth and still insisted he hadn't eaten the cake lol. Even my children understand there's no point lying at that stage.

I think in some twisted way he thinks he has me and I belong to him. He could have fake profiles and be watching my FB. I don't know. I have it locked down apart from a few profile pictures. But some males have liked my new one that are just friends. So he could be worried I'm moving on.

Gosh five years. You must have been on edge all the time. Was he similar to this man. Toxic?

OP posts:
Blueberrymuffin79 · 07/07/2021 10:03

My ex was also like this block and ignore if he stalks you phone the police.
Do not contact him. He's testing the water and trying to scare you. My ex kept contacting me years after, even telling me we were great together and asking me too marry him, he was dating another woman!. I can guarantee you are not the only ex he is doing this too. My ex was narcissistic sounds like yours could be too. Stay away, keep safe. Do not feel sorry for him this is what he is counting on they prey on good people.

LepusLepus · 07/07/2021 10:24

So why can't he leave me alone now and get on with his life
^ because he's a cat and your his mouse to toy and play with whenever he wants - or so he thinks.

He's a manipulator, he's a cheat, he's a liar
^^ Repeat this to yourself Ad Infinitum

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 15:38

Because nobody else will have him and he is panicked that you have moved on because you are worth so much more than him. His ego is stamped on.
Shame it wasn't his head.
..
*no actual violence suggested. Mn being a zen site...
Grin

chickenyhead · 07/07/2021 15:47

This is as difficult as you choose to make it.

You have already invested too much time in him writing all of that out.

Block him on EVERYTHING and mean it.

Be the grey rock.

He didn't turn up in a limousine serenading you, with champagne and roses did he? He sent you a text that said nothing. Not even sorry, because he isnt.

He just wants to check how invested in him you still are. You clearly are, but do you want him to know that? Honestly?

Block him properly this time and move on.

QueenBee52 · 08/07/2021 04:39

He's likely messaging countless other women as well.. desperately hoping one of you would be stupid enough to reply 🙄

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