I started therapy about 10 weeks ago to try and deal with my anxiety and some difficult emotions I’d been having since I had my first baby. I think having a baby forced me to reflect a lot on my own childhood and relationship with my mum.
I feel I have little right to complain too much about my childhood as I know that many people have it far worse, but I do think it’s had an impact on my mental health and I only really realised that recently. My mum was a single mum until I was about 2 but made the choice instead of going on benefits or moving in with her parents for support she chose to stay at work and actually went back to work full time when I was 5 weeks old, leaving me with a child minder rather than any relatives and then later a nursery. I used to find this admirable that she was so ambitious and pursued a career, until I had my own kids and now I find it really horrific and have no doubt this would not have been good for me. I also think or feel that her reasons for doing so were because she didn’t want to spend time with me or felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of parenting so hid in her work, I was an unplanned baby.
She then met my step dad when I was 2..I was told he was my real dad till they broke up when I was 7. I was no longer allowed to see him and I think this really really affected me as I spent all my time with him, he was a stay at home dad while she worked until I started school and he was great with me. It felt like losing a parent and I don’t think she ever got it because he wasn’t my real parent.
Anyway very long story short there were lots of other unstable and sometimes violent relationships. She also lied to me until aged 29 about who my biological dad really was. I know have a positive relationship with him which I could have started many years before. She’s always given me a lot in terms of money and materialistic things so I’ve never felt I could complain but she spent no time with me as a child and never hugs or shows physical affection.
I’m desperate not to be like this with my own kids. I had an ‘ok’ relationship with my mum before having kids but now I find being around her very upsetting and always feel bad after seeing her despite things being civil on the surface. I feel angry and resentful towards her. I know some of this judgement won’t be fair, her circumstances were different to mine but I can’t seem to stop these feelings.
I live 10 mins from her so see her often...she made a huge deal and lots of pressure about me having kids I think because she wanted to make up for what she missed out on but she’s repeating history as she always cancels baby sitting offers and seems to get bored of spending more than an hour or so with the kids. She told me not to get so many days at nursery and she would provide regular child care day but cancelled every single week...she’s a workaholic and I used to be proud of her for this but I just feel like it’s her first priority.
Sorry very long rant!