The fact my mum clearly prefers my sister

[margaritasplease]

Nc'ed as potentially outing.

Looking for some advice to put this into perspective. Lovely childhood but in a nutshell, my mum blatantly prefers my sister to me and it's starting to upset me. I love my sister and we get on well but she quite obviously plays on this. She has laughed in my face and hugged my mum in front of me when I think my mum said she was the favourite. If there is anything wrong with any of her children she likes to make sure my mum knows about it - this is for things that I wouldn't bother mum with as I know she worries e.g. one of the kids having a tantrum before school or being off school as they're unwell (even pre-Covid). My sister and I both had a DC off school a few weeks ago and after initial enquiries about my DC, she was only enquiring about my niece (even though the situations were very similar).

I suppose I'm jealous? It was a shock to realise this and I only did in my thirties to be honest.

I see it myself with my own DC that I naturally get on better with one over the other and it's no-one's fault but I try my damnest to treat them the same. My mum and sister are naturally alike whereas I'm quite different to her so I don't think she can relate to me. I guess this is why. They have told me on a few occasions that they have been slagging me off when I'm not there, but that it was a joke and I shouldn't take it seriously. But I do and it hurts.

It's got to the point where my DC ask me why their cousins see their grandparents more often than they do even though we both lives hundreds of miles away. I make so much effort but it often feels reluctant on my mum's part.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

No real advice, I am in the same position except my mum and sister do not rub my face in it - that must be awful, I am sorry OP.

For me, it isn't what my mum says it is her actions. She rarely sees my DC but spends two days a week at my sister's house. She has a favourite grandchild too (my niece) which I know my sister struggles with because my nephew gets upset but it has opened her eyes to our mum's behaviour.

My main issue was not blaming my sister or allowing it to ruin our relationship. My mum used to play us off against each other and it took us years to work that out and forge our own relationship outside of that with our mum. We spent years not speaking as a result of the wedge my mum drove between us but if you asked her she would say she was an innocent bystander and didn't want to get involved

To that end, we both see my mum separately - perhaps together twice a year on her birthday/ Christmas - and we try not to talk about her or mention things she has done/ bought (eg she got my niece a years horse riding lessons and my DD a cheap camera from wish for their birthdays).

It is hard though - during lockdown my mum would complain about not being allowed to see her grandchildren. When restrictions ended she was straight to my sister's house but only saw my DC in mid June, despite being invited sooner.

If you asked her she would deny it all - she thinks because she says all the right things then it is ok.

Hey op sounds hurtful.

I can only say as a parent that I love all my children equally and I think they are all brilliant, loving, talented etc.

However, I get on better with the children who are least like me. I get on well with the others too but we clash more. No favouritism at all but sometimes I worry that my kids may feel like there is.

I think you have 4 things to deal with;
your feelings about the situation.
your relationship with your sister.
your relationship with your mother.
the impact this has on your children.

I don't know how old your kids are but to them I'd say something along the lines of ''I've been dealing with the fact that my mother prefers my sister to me. I had hoped that as a grandparent she wouldn't show the same favouritism, but I'm afraid that hasn't happened and now its affecting you as well''.
Kids understand the concept of 'fairness' very well, and this helps them to see the situation as unfair, that its not caused by them.

I think I'd have a statement ready to make to my mother and my sister, and that I'd say something to them separately as they gang up when they are together so are less likely to listen.
Or else the next time they gang up I'd point out that is what they are doing, say how unpleasant it is to be on the receiving end of it - especially from people who are supposed to love you - and leave.
I'd keep it short and factual.

And I think I'd have counselling to work through my feelings, I'd do that privately and without discussing it with them at all.

How do your DCs know that the other DCs see their DGPs more often than them.
ARe you complaining in their presence.

This is hurtful of both your DM and DSis, laughing at you and hugging in yoru presence. I doubt you can change anything. I would try to form closer friendships and rely less on family.

Typical narcissistic behaviour, favourite child and non favourite which is now playing out with your own children. IMO it's best to try to limit contact and emotionally detach from your mum. Well done to you and your sis for navigating this.

Sorry OP I read another posters post as yours - well done on YOU navigating it and I'd go low contact & emotionally detach from your sis too. Her and your mum seem to share the narcissism.

Drop the rope.

You making all the effort just perpetuates things. Honestly, see this with both mine and DHs family. The sibling that can't be asked gets loads better treatment. It's easier to see once you see them being rude to kids in the family.

Don't let them get away with saying they slag you off tho, that's rude and unnecessary and is designed to press your buttons.

It's hurtful @margaritasplease. My mum & sis are very similar, and the true favouritism really ramped up once we were adults.
I left home at 18 & would find out that they had gone for days out when something was mentioned in passing. I would just get "oh we didn't think you'd be interested". I actually said well an invite would have been nice. Didn't make any difference. Never got included.
Eventually I moved further away, one advantage being it didn't feel as though their relationship was rubbed in my face any more.
Now very low contact with mum & nc with sis. It does hurt, I would love a close relationship at least with my mum, but it's not possible. She has always put sis first and that will never change.
I expect nothing so I can't be disappointed. Distance both physically and emotionally helps. It's not how it should be, but that unfortunately is reality for us.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciated reading your replies this week. I'm sorry so many of you have experienced a similar thing. It's been really useful to hear your different perspectives and it's helped me to understand what this situation is and isn't. My mum isn't narcissistic and does a lot for me. It's just that it's harder for her to be around me and she constantly goes on to be about how amazing my sister is; how funny, how strong, how down to earth and saintly for putting up with her useless husband. To be honest, I think my sister likes to make sure she has as much attention as possible. She lived at home until her late twenties whereas I left at 18. They obviously got closer in that time and would go on holidays etc. which is fair enough. My mum just thinks my sister needs support and my sister makes this known all the time. They also speak to eachother on the phone most days whereas my mum has called me maybe once in the past year.

My dad mostly keeps out of this, although I'm more like him. I don't want to fall out with my sister although I feel something brewing. And I don't want to miss time with my parents as they've always been wonderful so I just need to dial down the daily Whatsapp interaction and arrange time to see them that doesn't involve my sister. My sister's kids stress my dad out anyway (noisy, spirited kids which my dad struggles with in his calm retirement bless him) and it's always stressful when we're all together as he loses his rag.

Why do you not think your mother is a narcissist?. She and your golden child sister are one and the same. I would think what your mother does for you is all conditional and based on what she thinks you should want rather than what you need. Meanwhile your dad acts as a bystander out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He cannot be relied upon either.

Take your mother in particular off that pedestal she made you put her on. You absolutely need boundaries here, wonderful parents they are not with all their daily whatsapp crap. Your children have noticed that these people do not spend any real amount of time with them.

It would be a good idea to speak to a therapist about your family of origin. Have a read too of the current well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages.

Your children as well need emotionally healthy role models and neither your sister or mother in particular fit the bill.

You had lovely childhood you say? Why was it lovely? Is it because you were too young to notice these things or because the favouritism hadn't developed yet? Or you had a lovely childhood despite that?

My dad mostly keeps out of this

Usually in this type of scenario there is an enabler. Who knows what conversations he's had with your mum behind closed doors about this, but was his duty to nip this sort of childish behaviour from your mum in the bud when you were growing up. Instead, like many husbands of dominant, narcissistic, controlling or emotionally immature women, he neglected his parental responsibilities in favour of an easy life. Your Dad should not have, and should not be keeping out of it. It is nothing more than selfishness on his part and the abdication of his fatherly duty. I find it quite unbelievable that your mother only called you once in a year, given how often she calls your sister.

I don't think a lot of people fit neatly into narcissist / not narcissist boxes. Instead, a lot of people might have degrees of narcissistic traits, and they don't all look and sound like a loud, dominant one, like Trump. You can have quiet, smug, narcissists who have perfect the art of the humble brag. Some of them enjoy making out like their partner is 'useless' at this or that, because they can then make themselves appear as if they're martyrs, that they alone are holding the fort with their strength and competence. They might complain about their partners whilst secretly loving the fact that they are seen to be such catches and loving the sympathy that comes their way.

If you have any confrontation with your sister about this, I'm not sure if you can expect any remorse. Unless she's winding you up deliberately because of some hurt you've caused her in the past, you need to be prepared for the fact that she might not be apologetic, remorseful or sympathetic to your feelings. I can see you being told to get over it and not be jealous. To be honest, I don't think either your mother or your sister have the respect for you that they should.

I'm glad that you like your parents. I think you probably see their good qualities more than anything. I just hope that as an adult you have developed a good self esteem and that you won't spend your time doing what a lot of adult children would do in this type of situation, which is to keep chasing their parent/s and wasting their time being a people pleaser, feeling like it's never enough to get the parental love and attention that they need.

I have a similar relationship with my dm, she recently admitted she was not a good mum when I was growing up, thing is she had the chance to change this but didn't.

It still hurts she clearly prefers my dB and his children, his children are always with my parents, holidays, days out special events and sleep overs they even pay money into their accounts and pay for mobile phones.

My DC get the absolute minimum, she never remembers what I tell her about my DC, I maintain a relationship for my dads sake but it is not easy. My DC know the difference and it hurts me, however I vow never to be like this I have the skills and vision to avoid this.

My dm said some awful things to me as a child and teen that I can't forget. My dad just took her side for an easy life. My DH says don't worry, I don't but just occasionally.

@margaritasplease why does your mum find it harder to be around you?

Sorry OP but it's textbook narcissistic behaviour favouring one child over the other. Your sister doesn't sound much better either if I'm honest. My mother did this for years and played myself and my sister off against each other and tried to repeat the pattern with our children resulting in neither of us having contact with her now because we were determined our children wouldn't go through what we did.

Since I very young age I've known my mum never liked me and has always favoured my sister over me, now I am 40 and my sister is 30 nothing has changed she still favours her even tho my sister has now moved out my mums house after refusing to pay half towards rent and bills but my mum.is still very much embraced in my sister. In fact everyday since my sis moved out mum will message me several times a day talking about my sis she never says oh hi how r u how r your children..its actually draining. My sis has 3 dogs that my mum wants to see more of and spend time with than she does her own grandchildren (my kids) my kids have grown up without having a nan in there lives and by that I mean my mum has never bothered with them,never got them.a gift for birthday or Christmas and never asks about them, my mum.and sis have gone on holidays based around my sisters dogs needs her dogs get treats and even birthday cake! The dogs get treated better than her own bloodline. Everytime I menion to my mum.about this which isn't often because I'm hardened to it now she changed the subject and starts telling me she was busy couldn't listen to my message coz she was eating her dinner! Total blockage there. I've given up now I think best to let them both get on with it and stay out both there lives and accept that I was born into a family that holds a indepth hate for me. I said to my sister I think mayb I was the product of a rape because why else would my mum hold so much dislike to me yet saying that when she's stuck or needs a lift I'm good enough then!

Hi I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I know just how you feel. My sister was born when I was 4 and that was it really for me and mum. My sister is my mum’s favourite and I was my dad’s. Mum was also jealous of how well dad and I got on, aswell as my sister.

when dad passed away 4 years ago I have literally felt like I have been ousted. It’s horrible. Last Christmas I wasn’t invited to my sisters for Christmas Day because we had fallen out over an issue the year before when I was having problems with my mental health due to grieving over dad. I asked if we could have a compromise but my sister flat out refused and said that mum was going to her and my mum did. They left me completely on my own on Christmas Day with not even a call from my mum. My dad would never have allowed that if he had been alive.

My mum calls me once a year on my birthday.

I visit her but it makes me stressed and anxious. I have had to go no contact with my sister and limit the amount of times I visit mum.

it really upsets me and I wish my dad was still here.

so sorry you’re having a rubbish time of it.

sending hugs xoxo