hanging on until the DC are 18

[juliusdeane]

Just like the title says.

My marriage is good, no abuse, no affairs and we get on well. I think seeing a couple of friends get divorced over the last five years has made me think I would quite like to live alone again! We are both in decent paying jobs, solvent, no issues historically around housework or childcare and we both went part time with both DC to loadshare.

Youngest DC is now 15 and I yearn to get out on my own, do my own thing. I don't look forward to being able to do things as a couple again anywhere near as much as I look forward to being able to do things with my friends again, have weekends away etc.

Toying with idea of suggesting buying a 1bed flat in a few years (will eat my savings, but can do it with no impact to household) but sure that will not go down well.

Anyone else feel the same?

What would he the idea of adding a 1 bed flat to the assets of the marriage? So you can live there on your own and just drop round when you fancy a shag or some company? Because I can't see many spouses accepting that, not unless they're also secretly harbouring a desire to enjoy the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities/work.

As you say the marriage is generally good, I think it would be best to wait til youngest is through A levels. Especially with the shitshow that education has been through the last 18 months!

It sounds like you're yearning for a quiet life of freedom - something I entirely empathise with as I'm exactly the same. But can you carve out time for yourself while still in the marriage for now? Lockdown aside, is there any reason you don't go out/away with friends now?

Just get divorced now. I have an 18 year old and a 15 year old so i understand the stage of l8fe they're at. But start now.

It's never easy. It's never the right time, but it's so good to have it behind you not ahead of you.

Did it, don't recommend. Means you are going through divorce just as they leave for university. One dd really struggled. All fine now and she's moved in with myself and my now dp despite my family home being kept for the (adult) kids

Why can't you go out and do your own thing now? Still within your marriage? Unless what you really mean is you want to go out on the pull again?

I don't understand women who say this. I've maintained my own social life and interests separately to my husband and children. Whilst also having family time.

My friends' parents doing this seriously messed her up - it was obvious even to me aged 14 how unhappy they were together.

To be suggesting this you can't be that attached to your dh so don't prolong the inevitable, just do it now.

How do you want to be living in 10-20 years' time? Do you want to be in a couple or single?

Because, to be quite frank, at this stage if there's nothing actively wrong with the partnership you've got then it's probably your best bet for later life. Imagine all the hassle of dating, sifting through the people whose relationship has failed because they're lazy or selfish or irresponsible or abusive, navigating your way round two sets of offspring (or even more), trying to decide whether he's worth moving two hundred miles away...

And you'll have to build up your assets again and not have room for the kids to visit; you'll possibly have your married friends suspicious of you around their husbands/trying to get off with you when their wives aren't looking (I know it sounds terrible, but so many women say this); your children will be annoyed, and wonder whether actually it's worse than you're letting on and you only stayed because of them.

Of course, if you actively want to live alone for the rest of your life that's different; but make sure you do. If it's just that you want to do stuff with your friends, you can do that while still happily married.

The menopause can seriously mess with your brain. if you want to do things on your own, whats stopping you planning these things and doing them right now. Lots of couples are still couples but either/both have outside interests. If you are willing to wait 3 years then its not really that bad being together is it. I think this is one of these occasions where you could act in haste and repent at leisure.

Just do some stuff on your own now. You don't have to do everything together

You've described a 'good' marriage but that you want to do your own thing. It's fine to do your own thing within a marriage. Plan week ends away / days out / new hobbies - they don't all have to include your DH. Or is it more than that? Is it not quite as 'good' as you first describe? If it is basically good, I can't think of any benefits of doing what you're suggesting, and lots of down sides.

Also, hanging on until they're 18 - DC don't suddenly become immune to hurt once they are legally an adult. In fact it can be a really difficult time for them - it can be tricky starting to navigate the world as an adult, and often they need to know that 'home' is there safe and waiting. I suppose I'm saying there isn't an ideal time and don't assume it will suddenly be easier then. It's either the right thing to do or not. There will never be an 'easy' time.

I'm with pps, why not do those things with your friends now? What's stopping you? Surely you don't have to split up to be able to have weekends away?

I'm one of 3, I'm the middle child, one older and one younger brother. my father waited until my younger brother turned 18 to leave my mother for OW. He chose to wait until I was away on honeymoon with my 1st husband...I was just 21.

Couldn't have caused more upset and distress if he'd tried. I hadn't really wanted to get married in the first place, only did it because my parents threatened to disown me if I dared to live with my then fiance/boyfriend. So you can imagine what impact that had on my new marriage...

Anyway, long story short I wish he'd done it years previously. Perhaps none of us would have lived a lie that whole time.