Hurt again after letting him back in

[CUniverse]

Hi all, I posted before, I got a lot of shit and negative comments, but I pressed on and ended things with my ex, father of my two children and went no contact, aside from allowing him to FT our daughter.

Since our baby was born, he has promised on 2 occasions that he is a changed man, begs for us to move back to Amsterdam and hopes after a while we can give our romantic relationship another try. Although I have not been keen on this idea, I did let my heart consider it a bit, depending on how he treated me. Anyways, that hope was short lived because he has now told me that he still wants me to move back to Amsterdam, but no longer wants us to be romantically involved again as he has met another woman, yet again.

I know I would be a fool to move back there, just so he has a relationship with the children, but does anyone has advice on how I can go even more non contact now that he has pulled the rug again from under my feet. The emotional pain I feel is unbearable. I have to hide it though because I can't let me children or family see tat I am affected by this man. He treated us so poorly, was abusive in many ways, is an addict and an all around shitty human being, however, I am still heartbroken and traumatised by all I have been through with him. And what makes it worse is that now I have 2 children, I am 36 and single, meanwhile he lives his life the way he wants with all his new women and feels no remorse for the fact that I am doing everything alone. btw... it was his decision to have the second baby, so why would he put me through all this heartache a second time? Why be so cruel?

I know it takes time... but I just need some words of encouragement that the pain will stop, and how to successfully be unaffected by him. Any books to read, or websites/blogs that could help?

He is a piss taking fool.
If he wants a relationship with his kids and they are so very important to him then he can move to where you are and see them.
If he doesn't want that then he is not interested in his own children.
I wonder if you have low self esteem to be mourning such a person, I had it for years due to my abusive upbringing but I have learnt not to date men now who are not good enough for me.
I also realised that it was not my ex husband I missed but being married in a relationship - I mourned the idea of a marriage but not him if that makes sense.
Try doing the freedom programme online. A man doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. It helped me.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Shehasadiamondinthesky thanks for your reply. I do wonder about my self esteem. On the outside I’m a confident woman who knows what she wants and deserves, however I can’t shake this pain. And I feel a fool to have allowed myself to be duped and mistreated over and over again. I’m ashamed that I even cultivated a relationship with this person when I saw red flags, hoping that he just needed love to be able to give it back in the same capacity. If I were giving someone else advice, I’d have words of wisdom and encouragement but I just can’t find the wisdom myself. Affected and wrecked by a person that has no regard of my pain, or even doesn’t want to acknowledge how badly he treated me. Yet still expects me to move mountains to have his children near. I already moved there once, and he kicked me and my daughter out. Begged for a second chance and another baby, only to cheat on me while pregnant and then blame me for not “showing enough enthusiasm” about our reconnection which left him feel neglected. I needed time to regain trust for him, but he couldn’t wait and pissed all over me. The humiliation hurts so badly, because it’s my fault, as I allowed it. And also it hurts that someone I loved so much would want to be cruel to me.
I’ve never had such a predicament in my life and just am at a loss as to why.

He said to me last week “well I mustn’t have been in love with you at all otherwise I wouldn’t have cheated any of the times I did, and the fact that I did shows that other women possess things that you can never give me”
That shattered me.

I will have a look at the link you posted. Wet grateful. Thank you.

Nothing I can say at the moment will make you feel better
But it’s obvious to every Tom dick and Harry that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. One day you will realise that and then be very very angry.

I remember your previous threads. I think you need to cut contact with him as much as possible in order to heal and move on.

And don't move to Amsterdam. Stay with your support network. Look after yourself.

He said to me last week “well I mustn’t have been in love with you at all otherwise I wouldn’t have cheated any of the times I did, and the fact that I did shows that other women possess things that you can never give me

What an utter cunt. That must've hurt like fuck. Remember that when you're feeling low, with a bit of luck it'll help you find your anger

@lilmishap well you are exactly right. I can't even stop reading it. I read it over and over. I thought that at least for the first 3 years we were together that I was the love of his life, he had said that, and acted that way. Now all of a sudden he has reduced our whole story to a mishap, and it makes me so regretful. But then again, I have to continue to feel grateful for the two wonderful children I have, so I try not to hold onto regret. Do not want to negate their existence. But yeah, wow, the pain is unbearable with that statement.

What a total prick
I know you don't feel like it at the moment but the best thing you could do right now is bloody celebrate being away from this total wankstain knobhead waste of space

What a shame another woman will eventually see him for what he is .. but ...

That is not your problem ! Keep your support network around , formalise any arrangements you need and be kind to yourself

He said that to deliberately hurt you. What sort of a person does that? You deserve so much better, and so do your DC. Why on earth would you uproot yourself, and themm, to move close to someone so vile? He must think you're mad or stupid. The arrogance!

I would block him as much as is physically possible. Only discuss DC. Any other questions - just explain that you're really busy and only have time to discuss urgent DC-related stuff. He needs to see that he can't click his fingers and you come running. That you've moved on.

I do hope he is contributing to his DC financially?

@layladomino he is contributing, less than what he would if I were to go legal with it though, which I might have to as I can't bare to be in contact with him.

This evening, I started seeing stars and become dizzy and faint, I fear that this situation is playing with my physical health too, so I need got avoid contact as much as possible. I have evened to block his family as he tries to contact via them if I am delayed in responding to him.

I really do not comprehend how and why he feels it is owed got him to have his kids in the same country. If he is honest with himself, he much prefers them not being around interfering in his lifestyle, however, he is under a lot of pressure from his parents, so he has to pretend as though he has made the effort and I'm the one who is making it difficult. Also to his new gf he needs to appear to be human, wanting them around.

OP if you are considering, even for one nanosecond, moving to his country, you need to do some online research about women whose lives have been completely ruined by these dangerous men. Then you will realise how far you have come, and how free you are to build your life the way you want it.

You are out of it and away from him. You are calling the shots now. Your children are with you. You can raise them to be decent human beings.

Forgive yourself. You aren't the first woman (and won't be the last) to have tried their best with a complete arsehole, hoping it would get better one day. It won't. Give yourself credit for trying your very best, and fgs stop analysing his behaviour.

He is a sadist. He is getting off on your pain, it is feeding his ego. Cut off his supply - go legal and block him on everything.

Go NC. Change your number so he can't even call from any other number.
Block him on social media, and anyone else who contacts you on his behalf.
The relationship is over, there's nothing to discuss.
Please please don't go back there because he could prevent you from leaving under the Hague convention.
Your kids don't need a cheating druggie who treats their mum like shit.
Stop allowing him to carry on pressuring you even from this distance.
You are allowing him to reopen the wound.
Time to get tough.
Also recommend the freedom programme. You need to work on your self esteem.
He probably wasn't in love with you because he's incapable of it, just hid that from you long enough to hook you in.

@Bjarnum

He is a sadist. He is getting off on your pain, it is feeding his ego. Cut off his supply - go legal and block him on everything.

Why would you consider moving your children closer to that selfish pig and making you more vulnerable.

Stay put and away from him.

Why are there really so many vile creatures around like this one? Until I joined Mumsnet I never knew so many arseholes like this nutcase existed.

You need to let him go! Actions speak louder than words. His actions have consistently shown he doesn’t care or priorities you. He has no respect for you.

Why are you holding on to this abusive relationship? Don’t you want to be free? People don’t change. Go no contact and do the freedom program. Take back control of your life.

I recall your previous thread ..

you were financially supporting him feeding him housing him clothing him right?

he on the other hand dated other women leaving you sat at home with the kids ...

is this the guy ?

I remember the old thread too. Whatever you do don't go back there will be legal grounds to prevent you from leaving.

He has shown you over and over what sort of person he is, you need to listen and stop going back for more when you know full well what's coming.

Block him and his family on everything and establish your life in the UK. Where are you staying and are you working?

I also think as pp have said you should do the freedom programme, and don't even entertain any attempted guilt tripping. You owe this basket case absolutely fuck all.

@QueenBee52, no that wasn't me, my old thread was detailing how I was trying to get revenge doing silly things, and everyone told me to grow up and move on. Which was fair, and so I did as advised. he kicked me and our daughter out to move his fling in, begged us back, I was in the process of moving back after a year of him trying to prove he had changed, was pregnant and he cheated on me at 6 months, wanted to have a 3 way relationship with his affair partner, and was on dating apps.

That was my story, I am ashamed to say.

@Closetbeanmuncher I am working and living in the UK. Well I am on maternity. The guilt tripping comes in heavy from so many angles, but blocking his whole family helps. They still email though.

@CUniverse it's not for you to feel ashamed
You didn't behave like a total shit
He did

💐

in that case I apologise OP 🌸

don't go back though 🌺

What utter scum.
Don't ever let him fool you again.

This will turn around for you and you really will be ok but unfortunately part of the healing process is to process all the abuse he's put you through.
Give it time and I predict (as is so often the case with these arseholes) that he will at some point come crawling back and you will be both physically and mentally revolted by him.
Remember little steps - you will get there.

Well done for getting here OP. You are stronger than you think.

You need to get him out of your head, he moves the furniture around and makes you feel crazy.

He is doing nothing to show that he is interested in your DC and you are doing them no favours trying to make him be a Dad.

Do not sacrifice yourself for his convenience. He has shown you what he feels for you. Utter contempt.

Time to block, have you got a family member or friend who can do the FT sessions? You should have no contact with him at all. He keeps you down.

Can you set them up to go to a spam folder?

Please ensure you stay in the UK where the people who care for you are.

I can't believe his family have the cheek to harass you. Frankly I would be ashamed to be related to him if it was me!

Don't give him anymore chances to hurt you and disrupt the life of your DC. He's taken the absolute piss with each and every chance you've given him, the only thing left to do is protect your peace and the peace amd stability of your DC.