Split care, feeling sad

[OrangeFudge]

Sorry, I’ve posted twice, once in Divorce/Separation but wondering whether I’ll get more traffic here.

So I’m at that point in my life. DH and I decided to separate after 20 years and are in the process of putting the house on the market and going our separate ways.

We haven’t told our 12-year old DS yet (and naturally I’m dreading it).

I’m the one who initiated the split. No longer in love, I guess I’ve changed (and he hasn’t), I’ve been miserable for the last 6 years, no sex for the last 4-5 years (I don’t find him attractive anymore), my head has nearly been turned twice and I just know it’s the right decision for all of us. My DH is still clinging and delaying.

I thought I had processed a lot of the emotions around it - guilt, failure, sadness, etc etc) since we first had the separation discussion almost a year ago but now new emotions keep surfacing.

We’ve always said 50:50 split care would be fair as it reflects how we look after our DS now. But I’ve just realised that I’ve not processed that one at all. Now the reality is hitting, I’m feeling enormous sadness about not seeing my DS every day.

So I want to ask those who have a similar arrangement, how have you coped with it? Please tell me something positive, I need it so much. On a more practical level, what split works for you, ie one week on, one week off, or three days on/off, plus alternate weekends etc.? I’ve got to be honest I haven’t thought about it fully at all and now I am finding it overwhelming.

Hi OP, I'm sorry to read your sad post.

I haven't been in this situation myself, but based on a friend's experience. As your DS is 12 and not a small child, I would to some extent involve him in your discussions as he may have thoughts and opinions on the subject.

At this age, I think an ideal situation is if you live close by and the arrangement is fairly flexible. (I would not suggest this for a younger child who needs consistency and predictability.) This depends on you and DS's dad remaining amicable and reasonable - if you don't think that's likely you should put firmer plans in place.

Does your DS do any extra curricular activities? Think about how best to facilitate those.

Good luck OP.

I have no personal experience I'm afraid, my ex barely sees DD. However, a friend has (supposedly) 50/50 care, but has significantly more as ALL the tech is at dad's house and mum has none, so ds considers dad's to be 'home' and spends more time there. Not trying to stress you out, but has been very noticeable in that situation.

At 12, I'd let your ds have some say. My youngest was 9 when we separated but was the youngest of 3.
My ex wanted one night each weekend and that was OK as gave each child done time with each of usd. Ex now wants eow and I have said no because the dc don't.
The older they get, the more they should get an input
Perhaps a have a discussion with your h and look for some flexibility in the short term so your son feels important.
My dc don't like packing up and it upsets me too.

It's a tough one.
My DH had 50:50 split with his ex. When the kids were younger they did half a week at each parents house and EOW.
But, once they got to High School the kids found this really hard to manage. Books etc were never at the right house. They asked to change it so that had the whole week plus the weekend at one house only and would swap at weekends.
This worked best for the kids but was a bit hard on both parents as they each went 7 days without seeing them. DH always missed living with them full time and I'll be honest and say it wasn't easy. But you do get used to it.
It's much easier to stay in contact now though. Our SC's are adults and don't live at home but are always texting and messaging.
I think with 50:50 each house has to feel like home. Make it easy to live between 2 places by having enough clothes, toiletries etc that your DS can just pitch up and not worry too much about bags and laundry..

I have about 60/40 with my ex. It was hard to begin with but we’re all more settled with it now. I actually really appreciate the time I get to myself, and I can do all the dull admin stuff when the dc aren’t here so the time I spend with them is totally focused on them.

I hope that helps

I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex, kids are similar age to yours. I would agree with PP that you need your son's input on how it should work. Our arrangement works ok, we do 3/4 days a week then split the holidays. It works ok because our houses are 5 mins walk, so as kids get older they can have some flexibility and come and go to some extent. Also any forgotten items can be moved easily. I would say it can only work for the kids if you live nearby, have full sets of everything at both houses, and there's a cooperative amicable relationship between the parents.
For myself, it was hard at first not seeing my kids as much, but having half the week off means time to build my career, hobbies, social life, relationships etc. Then when the kids are here I'm refreshed and able to give my best to the kids. Silver linings really

I'm sorry, OP. I know how you feel and it is really sad and a massive thing to process. Whilst it will get easier (I promise) it IS hard and it's ok to sit with that and let yourself work through it bit by bit, otherwise you'll explode. I'm 7 months in and still feel sad at times when I miss my children, but I think it helped letting myself have a good cry and talk it through (and I started writing about it in a notebook too to help understand and process my feelings).

We're not quite 50/50 - my ex wanted this but it wasn't really practical with his job and our DC are younger, but we do 50/50 quality time, so every other weekend and school holidays as much as he can with his work. In reality as my job is more flex, I have more in school hols but they have an extra night in the week after work there, so it's 50/50 in terms of nights but not days. Might that be something that could happen in your situ? Obviously only if it works with your work as you don't want to leave yourself short financially to facilitate childcare/your ex getting to work.

Has your H definitely said 50/50 now that the time has come? Might he be up for something different if you think it would be best to look at alternatives? E.g. him visit you and your son one night, have a night in the week then share weekends? That's what we do. We also do Fri-Sun at 5 and then the person who hasn't had them at the weekend gets them Sunday eve for dinner and beyond so it's not a long stretch of time without seeing each other, without the kids to-ing and fro-ing.

Good luck

It's a hard adjustment OP we started at 5522 pattern but now, 2yrs later, we do one week on and one off with changeover on a Wednesday. At my youngest's request. I still miss them but I know that they want equal time and it gives me a chance to recharge, ready for their return!

Give yourself time to feel whatever you're feeling is my advice. I initiated the split too and that brings its own issues with processing it all

My brother manages a week on, week off arrangement, changeover is Thurs, own clothes at each home but try to be sensible about it. His boys are now 11 and 15, it works fine for them. Holidays are split down the middle, birthdays and special days are a compromise usually. Both my DB and his ex have committed to staying in the same city a few miles apart until the kids leave school.

You’ll adjust to it, in time, whatever arrangement you come up with. Try and be positive about it for the sake of your DS.

60:40 here and like @AttaGirrrrl I enjoy my time "off" to. I do my food shopping, exercise, socialising on my own time. I have a stable new partner now after 4 years so we have child free evenings together (he is also a separated parent). Prior to meeting him I also used to date occasionally during my nights off.

I won't lie- it wasn't easy to begin with, but I genuinely feel like I can give my son more and be a better parent as I have more time to be just "me" as opposed to "mum" a couple of nights a week.

Good luck @OrangeFudge

Thank you so much everyone for commenting and sharing your stories and insights. It has been massively helpful. Lots of food for thought.
It’s reassuring to read about the “perks” of having child free time meaning more quality time when you do have them
I like the idea of living nearby and a flexible approach to the split time.
Thank you again!