Heartbroken

[Summerdaysx]

I have another thread on here but thought I would start a new one for some more advice as all the advice I have been getting on here is helping me through this.

Dp and I have split (after 8 years). We have a dd. We had an argument over money, I told him to go & he went. I am devestated, he has destroyed me. I can't eat, can't sleep, keep being sick, I feel numb & so so so heartbroken.

I cannot see how I am going to get through life without him, he is my best friend.

We split briefly 3/4 years ago and he treated me the same, was messaging other girls etc, and 1 in particular. I found out today he is back in contact with this girl... AGAIN!

But I keep texting him begging for him to come back, it's like I'm out of control. I know I am making a fool of myself & I know I am making it worse but I just feel so much pain right now .

My friends and family have been amazing!! But they are not him...

I am still holding onto hope that he will come back & we can talk this through and work it out

I'm confused. Ending a long-term relationship, with a child, over an argument about whether you can afford a night out seems like an overreaction. If all he did was leave after you told him to leave, I don't understand what he did to "destroy you." If you didn't want him to leave, why did you tell him to leave? Anyway, you ended it and that means he's free to see other people. So are you. Maybe you regret ending it, but that doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong be seeing other people and not coming back just because you've changed your mind.

@userrnamemn yes I have received some great advice. Mn honestly keeps me going. My dd is 6 and absolutley amazing. I don't work at the moment due to health problems. Do try keeping busy during the day with dd trying to do as much fun things as possible. Need to keep focusing on dd and keeping busy and hopefully it gets easier

@PurpleOkapi wasn't just ended over the argument about money, it was his attitude towards it, I'm going wether u like it or not, we already owed my mum some money and had car repairs to pay for. He was being utterly selfish and I thought I had to make a stance that relationships should be 50/50. Yes of course I regret it now, but I asked him to come back that night, it's him that is choosing to stay away.

@MamaJustKilledAMan

I've just skimmed through your other thread. I'm really sorry to say this but you need to pull yourself together for your daughter. May I ask how old you are? You cannot starve yourself, continue to be throwing your guts up, not sleeping and not looking after yourself. You have a child to look after and she will be witnessing all of this and the upset. The relationship sounds very immature from an outsiders point of view it really does. You sound like you are obsessing over him and you need to pull yourself together and get some self respect. If I was your partner I would find it very off putting that you are behaving in this way. You need to find yourself again, ground yourself and actually take a step back and look at what this toxic relationship will be doing to your child. SHE is the most important thing in the world to you not him and it seems she's been given the backseat while you obsess over your ex. I'm so sorry to be harsh but you've had some really decent replies on the other thread and you clearly haven't taken any of the advice. I stand by both of my posts but please give your head a shake and act like a mature and respectable woman if not for your own sake for your daughters. X

This. Read this over and over and over OP. Raise your bar and teach your daughter what self worth looks like.

[quote Summerdaysx]@PurpleOkapi wasn't just ended over the argument about money, it was his attitude towards it, I'm going wether u like it or not, we already owed my mum some money and had car repairs to pay for. He was being utterly selfish and I thought I had to make a stance that relationships should be 50/50. Yes of course I regret it now, but I asked him to come back that night, it's him that is choosing to stay away.[/quote]
Why do you regret standing up to someone who would see you even further in debt just to get pissed with his mates?

He is not a nice person. You are worth more.

*he is my best friend.

We split briefly 3/4 years ago and he treated me the same, was messaging other girls etc, and 1 in particular. I found out today he is back in contact with this girl... AGAIN!*

Best friends don’t treat each other like this.
I read your other thread.
Seriously Op, he is not worth it.
You will get over him, and actually you will be way better off without him.
He is clearly a grade A bellend.
Onwards and upwards. ^^

he is my best friend.

But you aren’t his

Christ he's chasing other woman.,, please find your self respect and dignity and walk away from this ma who humiliates you treats you like shit and literally does not care for you. 🌸

[quote Summerdaysx]@PerveenMistry I know this deep down, I really do, I know he must think nothing or very little of me to treat me like this & see how hurt I am and still continue to do it. But my thinking is so clouded just now because I can't see me being without him. I thought I was a strong person until this happened, now I've realised I'm not strong at allZ[/quote]
I hope you can access some therapy or counseling, for your child's sake as well as your own. Good luck.

You have to accept it will hurt, it will take time.
But you will move on and you’ll be happy again.

He’s not your best friend, he isn’t a nice person to do this to you. Come on, your better than this! Don’t waste your life on a loser.
I imagine he will come slithering back, do not take him in!
Could you access any courses and study towards a new qualification? Take up something to fill the time, so you aren’t consumed with thoughts of him. He’s never going to give you what you want, end the cycle.

Thank you all so much. Seriously the reply's on this thread mean so much to me & are really helping me to cope.

I know what he is doing is absolutley horrible, I couldn't imagine doing this to him. I just can't believe it, I am very ill and he is not bothering, he is out enjoying himself!

The images of him being with someone else keep coming into my head and making me want to be sick.

You need to take control of this situation. I was completely floored when my ex left for ow. We had months of him treating me and consequently the family like shit.

I and you deserve better.

He is not your friend. He thinks nothing of you to behave like he did. Mine was the same. I spent every penny I had on the kids bills etc. But he wouldn't compromise on what he would buy for himself. Nights out etc.

I was heart broken. But he made his choice. Stop all contact. Claim benefits in your own name. Put in for CMS. And tell him he is having dd eow and one night a week.

Show him you aren't going to be pushed around and beg.

Go to your GP. Ask for help. Counselling etc. Do what you need to to get yourself in a better place.

You know this is only temporary. And you will cope. Because what's the alternative? You need to grieve and get past this difficult time and move forward.

OP im sorry youre going through this, its a really tough stage to be in but the favt he keeps going back to the same girl would be enough for me, he clearly wants to be with her, whether long term or its an infatuation, youd be well advised to let him go. Theres no fighting to save this, as there is nothing to save. And you shouldnt feel like you lost him to her, he chose her - repeatedly, you must remember.
Theres another thread on here where the woman says something along the lines of what you said I know he must think nothing or very little of me to treat me like this & see how hurt I am and still continue to do it and in her thread i think she even broke down crying infront of him when he came by the house, but it just pissed him off more. I dont know if youre hoping his behaviour will change if he sees you suffering, but I wouldnt bet on it if I were you. As much as a dick as he might be, emotional blackmail is not a sustainable solution and even if he falls for it this time, eventually youll have to up the ante when he predictably leaves for the third time.
Just focus on yourself and DD. Thriving is the best revenge

He may be your best friend, but you're certainly not his.

Couples argue - sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes people need space to see clearly and let their feelings settle. They don't go messaging other people. He's been waiting for this, as PP have already stated, and you know, it's an easy out.

You are strong, you're just disorientated. You can do this.

I think what might be happening here is that you're having an emotional flashback to when your parents split up. Bear with me!

You have said yourself that you reaction is extreme and you don't understand why you're feeling so desperate. Often that is a signal that we're responding tto something from the past that was overwhelming or ttraumatic . RResponding from a very young partof us, not the capable adult we are now.

Thismmight be your young self totally collapsing in despair and terror, not realising that you are an adult now and can cope with being abandoned in a way you couldn't when you were a child and had to rely on the adults around you.

When we really freak out and it doesn't make sense, it's usually our younger selves taking over in panic. You need to step into your adult self and take charge. You can do it.

Thank you all so much. My stomach is turning at the thought of him messaging other people or meeting up with this woman etc. I just wish I was so strong to not feel this way. I haven't text him since yesterday, although I am so desperate to.

Have you managed to get yourself something to eat this morning? 🤞🏻

@MamaJustKilledAMan I have had half a slice of toast and it has stayed down. So I will keep trying little and often. Thank you so much for being concerned about me ❤️

@PurpleOkapi

I'm confused. Ending a long-term relationship, with a child, over an argument about whether you can afford a night out seems like an overreaction. If all he did was leave after you told him to leave, I don't understand what he did to "destroy you." If you didn't want him to leave, why did you tell him to leave? Anyway, you ended it and that means he's free to see other people. So are you. Maybe you regret ending it, but that doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong be seeing other people and not coming back just because you've changed your mind.

And the cheating….?!

OP, it’s going to hurt for some time, you love him, you had a life with him. However, as you know already deep down, love is not enough. In fact, I’d argue it’s over rated, movies, music etc like to suggest it’s all you need to make a relationship work, but that’s bullshit frankly. You also need respect, trust, kindness, empathy and that wasn’t there. Anything less than this would have been a bad example to your daughter of what she should accept herself in a relationship.

You’re doing the right thing, and it takes courage to do the right thing when it’s this painful. Be proud of yourself! Treat yourself, you need to be your own best friend right now.

@Naunet thank you so much. The pain is horribly sore. I am trying to focus on myself now, keep myself busy and get better. Not saying I am focusing on my dd as she is already my 1st priority and always has been, although I am utterly devestated I haven't stopped being a parent to her. It's just inside that I am so deeply pained.

[quote Summerdaysx]@Naunet thank you so much. The pain is horribly sore. I am trying to focus on myself now, keep myself busy and get better. Not saying I am focusing on my dd as she is already my 1st priority and always has been, although I am utterly devestated I haven't stopped being a parent to her. It's just inside that I am so deeply pained. [/quote]
It’s completely understandable, it’s not just him, you’re grieving what you thought your future held. You know you will come out of the other side of this, and you’ll be stronger for it, but unfortunately we don’t yet have time machines so you can’t fast forward to that bit - wouldn’t that be nice!

Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s painful and you’re allowed to feel that. I would even say don’t try not to, but do make sure you’re also treating yourself, and don’t lose sight or faith in why you ended it. You did the right thing, so make sure you don’t talk yourself out of having standards in order to try and fix things with him, it will only put the pain on pause, but he would clearly hurt you again in the future, so it’s inevitable that you go through this at some point.

One other thing I would mention, is it is so much easier to get over someone when you take some power back. Right now, you’re begging him, and I promise you, it will only make you feel worse. Begging and being rejected is just another knife in the guts each time. If you take back some control, over yourself and the situation, it really will make you feel so much better, and if he starts begging you at that point, better still!

And the cheating….?!

As I understood the OP, she told him it was over, then changed her mind and asked him to come back, but he didn't want to and is now seeing someone else. That's not cheating. Apparently there's another thread about this that I didn't look for, so I was just going off this one.

What a dick. Leaving a relationship and a child just so he can cheat on his night out. Once his night out is over he will come back OP.
I wish I could tell you to please not take him back but I think you will. He's not worth the shit on your shoe to be honest but the decision will ultimately be yours.
Please, please stay strong for your little girl. She needs you

Why would you want a cheat back?