Cant leave for financial reasons

[SamH6x]

Is anyone in a similar situation to myself? Im in an unhappy relationship but feel like I cant leave because I cant afford too, i have a toddler and im pregnant. Im trying to keep it together but it is a struggle.

Do you work op? Do you mean you couldn't afford a roof over your head or the lifestyle you have now?

I do work , i couldn't afford to rent my own place

I'm sure that's not uncommon, I'm sad to say.

I know, its very hard. I dont even think I can get help from the council because leaving my morgage is surely making myself intentially homeless

Do you own with him or rent?

We jointly own (morgage)

DV has different rules in many areas (like legal aid) in order to provide protection.

But you have to seek and ask for that DV specific advice/rules instead of the general rules.

You need to get specific advice about your situation and when doing so you need to explain you are experiencing domestic violence otherwise you will receive incorrect advice.

I know it's hard but you just need to spit those words out so people can give you the right help (unfortunately many people won't realise what you're trying to say if you hint at it or try to describe examples rather than saying "domestic violence" ).

Speak to Women's Aid.

Get competent advice. Speak to the DV officers at your council if they have them. Use a benefits calculator. Do a budget (money advice service website might help there).

You feel trapped but there is a way out. You just have to start taking those first steps to make it possible.

What ? Im not experiencing domestic violence

How much equity is in the house? Would it be enough to rent a 2 bed somewhere nearby? Would be want equal custody? Depending on your wages you'll be entitled to some help - for rent, tax credits etc and cm depending on who has them how much

Universal Credit can pay a large portion of private renting if you qualify. If you put your details into the entitledto calculator you'd get a better idea of what you'd be entitled to.

Also it's my understanding you wouldn't be penalised by universal Credit if you left work or didn't return after maternity leave

We live in a very small place , if we sold it we wouldn't get much then we'd have to split it so even less. I dont even know how id get started with private renting , even if i qualify for help , I have no money in the first place

If you are a singles parent you will be entitled to benefits and settlements you don’t receive as a couple.

This includes universal credit, child maintenance, possible permission to remain in the marital home for a period before it is sold. The council can also help with housing in these circumstances even if you own property.

It will be difficult but not impossible.

Oh I didnt realise the council would help. Surely it would still take ages to get my own council place ,i always hear about other people waiting months , even years. All seems daunting when im about to have another baby

Yeah under the circs you'd need to sell the house and then register for rehousing so you'd need to live somewhere in between.

OP I’m the same in an unsatisfying marriage with lazy DH. There is no DV.

Due to covid fucking up our finances if we split up now we would have no equity left in the house. His sheer laziness and lack of consideration for anyone else is grinding me down and he’s not adding anything to the relationship apart from paying 50% of the bills and I have lost all respect for him. There is no way I would be able to afford rent plus two sets of childcare fees (with my salary I wouldn’t be entitled to any UC or any benefits apart from child benefit). I’ve consigned myself that I will need to stay put until 2025 when both kids are at school as then we should have enough equity (and paid off debts) and I could afford to buy DH out. Our mortgage is £400 cheaper than renting the same place privately.

You do sound pretty stuck. I'm assuming you don't have any family who could help you out? Too late for an abortion, or is that unthinkable?

I would have thought that all you need is the initial deposit and rent in advance on a private flat, which you could probably get a personal loan for if you absolutely have to. Plus enough for a month's food, or access to a credit card for food.
You move in, and on day one put in your benefit claim as a separated person at your new address.
It is what I did decades ago - although of course I know the benefit system has changed a lot. You have to get the cheapest possible accommodation in your area as there are caps on how much will be paid if you get a fancier place.

My above post assumes you are a SAHP and not paying for childcare. If you are working but only just covering your childcare, you may have to choose between maintaining your career trajectory or leaving your marriage..

So I work part time flexible hours around DP because we are both on low wages we could never afford childcare. Our small morgage is way cheaper than renting anywhere even a 1 bed private flat ! I do feel its easier to just stick together and try to make this work because to be honest, i just really want to be able to provide for my children and also not share my children! Im 6 months pregnant so soon a baby is going to be here. If i needed a place inbetween homes i could live at my mums , but I hate the thought of loosing my independence & privacy especially when im going to be heavily pregnant and then just after giving birth

Hi OP,
So on the one hand you want to leave but feel trapped financially, but on the other you want to stick together and try and make it work. Perhaps you need to set the whole issue of money to one side for now and just look at the relationship by itself - can it be saved? do you want to save it? is it worth trying to save (it takes two)?

If you do really think the relationship is over, then you can leave. I hear what you are saying about wanting to provide financially, which you certainly can and will do, but just not for a few years yet. Take the financial help from 'the system' that you need now, because you will be paying taxes for decades once the children are older.

You will have to 'share your children' - they are also his children. You are presumably sharing them now whist in the same home as him.

It is a false comparison to compare your mortgage to renting, because the benefits system won't pay for a mortgage but it will (mostly) pay your rent. You won't be paying the rent, so it doesn't matter how much it costs.

There is no need to go back to your mum's if you can scrape together or borrow the deposit and rent in advance on a rented place - you may find that if you go to your mum's the benefit system won't help you leave there.

However, given that you are in two minds, maybe wait a year and try to give the relationship another chance - have a really good talk with him and maybe try counselling - ask your GP if anyone can do it free or cheap, as it can be expensive, but it would be worth it if it saved your marriage. Only you know if there is honestly any chance of it being saved.