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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I jump the gun?!

32 replies

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 14:24

I've started back on Tinder after a long hiatus-last guy I met off it really did a number on my self esteem so only plucked up courage to go back on recently.Met 2 guys off it so far.Really seemed to hit it off with second guy and he said he wanted to see me again,exchanged numbers,some texts for few days.He mentioned second date a few times but no specific plans.Then texts stopped.I assumed he's not interested so deleted him.Been here before and if no date planned in a week or so I assume,despite words, they not keen.He's just texted now after 5 days wondering how my weekend away was.I had told him I was looking at hotels but never specified which weekend.It wasn't this weekend. Says he didn't contact me cos though I was on hols.I'm getting feeling he's bullshitting though and whoever else didn't work out.Says he wants to meet again.I don't know what to do.Did I jump the gun?My gut is screaming at me but maybe it's cos of last guy I dated.Help!!!

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 05/07/2021 14:25

I'm confused about how long ago your actual date was

Original poster

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 14:29

It was only a week but he made no firm plans again.Just stopped texting!

OP posts:

seensome · 05/07/2021 14:30

Maybe he was bullshitting a bit but this early in dating you can't get too emotional about it, he is interested still or you wouldn't of heard from him, decide if he's worth a second date, then figure out more about him?

Original poster

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 14:33

I know @seensome
I think my last experience is really coloring my judgment.The second guy I dated is also asking to see me again but seems much more straight up-of course I like him less,sigh....

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 14:36

If your gut is screaming at you, listen to it. That's the crux of how to build happy relationships.

Why would you do otherwise, especially in this situation? You've made no emotional investment at this point, you've not sunk any time into the relationship, and your instincts are telling you very loudly to stop.

If you're insecure because of previous experiences, that doesn't mean that you should just over ride any feelings of insecurity and try to ignore them. It just means that you'll have to look a bit more carefully to find someone who doesn't make your alarm bells ring.

seensome · 05/07/2021 14:41

If you like him just go on a second date, you know little about him, he could of been dating someone else but hasn't worked out anyway or he takes things at a slow pace, until you know him a bit better you can judge after the next date if the messaging dwindles again then you know he's not for you. I'm all for once chance then out.

Aprilx · 05/07/2021 14:43

Impossible to say if you jumped the gun as you don’t give any indication about how long it was when he wasn’t texting. I have seen people on here fret when they haven’t had a response within ninety minutes so hence need to reserve judgement,

Original poster

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 14:45

@Aprilx
We met Mon,he texted til Thur morn then nada.He has to see me again,I said yes then he made no plans.IME if they're interested they'll lock down a date but maybe my expectations are too high!

OP posts:

Original poster

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 14:46

*asked

OP posts:

kerkyra · 05/07/2021 14:57

I agree with you and don't think your expectations are too high. We just want to know where we are with people!!
If they go AWOL for a bit I always have my alarm bells going.
Not sure I would go on second but if I did I'd want to see a not more enthusiasm from him!

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 15:12

Having high expectations will stop you from settling for somebody who already has your alarm bells ringing before date 2.

People who are at the start of a healthy relationship don't feel compelled to post on forums about the fact they think their date is bullshitting them.

See this for what it is. You don't trust him. It doesn't matter what the reason is: respect your own feelings.

If you have 30 dates with different people and find you can't trust anyone, then perhaps have a look into what's causing that pattern. But first, learn to heed your own alarm bells.

TiredButDancing · 05/07/2021 15:17

@TheFoundations

Having high expectations will stop you from settling for somebody who already has your alarm bells ringing before date 2.

People who are at the start of a healthy relationship don't feel compelled to post on forums about the fact they think their date is bullshitting them.

See this for what it is. You don't trust him. It doesn't matter what the reason is: respect your own feelings.

If you have 30 dates with different people and find you can't trust anyone, then perhaps have a look into what's causing that pattern. But first, learn to heed your own alarm bells.

While I think that you're being a bit silly to be so nervous about this after one date I 100% agree with this nonetheless. If you're nervous, you're nervous. If this happens with every single man, then, like Foundations says, it might be that you have to look at the pattern. But in the meantime, there's no need to force yourself to do something that feels wrong.

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/07/2021 15:25

I would go in another date personally.
It's real to early to tell,some men are big texters some are not that diesnt mean he's bullshiting it not that into you.
Give it time

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt · 05/07/2021 15:43

He is not that into you.

If he was there wouldn't have been the gap (unless he had told you in advance...sorry....out of town til Thursday so can't message - look forward to being back in touch).

Anything else, after frequent texting....smacks of rude to me.

If you are angsting about it now...seriously drop it. Not. Worth. It.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 16:18

@Inthesameboatatmo

I would go in another date personally. It's real to early to tell,some men are big texters some are not that diesnt mean he's bullshiting it not that into you. Give it time

Whether he's bullshitting or not isn't the point. Learning to listen to your gut instinct is vital. It doesn't have to be right or wrong, but it is the real, genuine, unfettered 'you'. If you don't respect that 'you' yourself, why would you expect anybody else to?

Healthy is saying 'Even if I'm being harsh, I know what I feel and I care about myself enough to make sure I feel good.'

After all, even if he is god's gift to women, that's no use if, in the back of your mind, you're thinking 'Maybe he's not telling the truth, though..?'

You don't need to be be right. You want to be content.

IamThrough · 05/07/2021 16:22

To me it sounds like he just mis-understood you re the looking at hotels and he thought you were away for the weekend. Hence he stopped texting and didn't specify a date - because he genuinely thought you were unavailable.
There would be no harm in arranging a 2nd date go with an open mind and see how you feel about him then.

SpringlikeBunk · 05/07/2021 16:44

I'd say he was waiting on the outcome of another first meet or contact before coming back to you?

But multiple chatting \dating is pretty much the norm now so if you're not too upset I wouldn't write him off if you still like him (obviously look to him to put some effort in and be reliable on the second meet)

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 17:05

He is not that into you and was seeing how something else panned out.

If he was very keen, the second date would have been nailed down.

Men that are keen, act quickly.

Listen to your gut.

You are back up.

Original poster

Froggytog · 05/07/2021 17:24

@IamThrough
it could be but if it was surely he would've wished me a good holiday!
@SpringlikeBunk yeah I have no issue multi-dating at start but no reason why you can't go on other dates but still text the other person assuming you're somewhat interestedin them.Maybe I'm playing the "game" wrong lol?!

I'll mull it over and see.Guess no harm meeting again but my eyes are now trained on a row of red flags!

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 05/07/2021 18:58

I'd go on another date, just because none of us are perfect and he might just have messed up, trying to be cool to look keen or something equally as stupid. I think one more date will tell you what kind of guy he seems to be.

anunexaminedlife · 05/07/2021 20:46

I would be more annoyed at the snideyness of him pretending he thought you were away than anything. If you're going to go on the missing list for a bit and then re-emerge at least own it

Fireflygal · 05/07/2021 21:06

@TheFoundations, 100% to this.

Op, a change in texting does suggest he isn't that keen but more importantly listen to your instincts. Something about his man is screaming at you. I've had situations like this and after ignoring my instinct I now listen.

Initially I feel regretful (was I too harsh?) BUT within a short space of time I'm over it.

The same will happen for you. Move on, you'll have a few days of regret but will get over it. A new man will appear and your gut will be silent.

I always feel proud once I have trusted myself and it builds my confidence.

TheNameTheWebsiteForgot · 05/07/2021 21:13

What happened during the conversation with him wanting go have another date ?

Was it:
Him: Would you like to go on another date?
You: Yes, I'd like that.

What came next ?

HalzTangz · 05/07/2021 21:16

@Froggytog

It was only a week but he made no firm plans again.Just stopped texting!

Maybe he genuinely misunderstood and thought you were away at the weekend, hence not booking in a date or messaging. I don't think you should automatically assume the worse. Not all men are bad uns

Mountaingoatling · 05/07/2021 21:17

I wish I could meet a man like this, who leaves me in peace to have my holidays and doesn't presume he's the centre of my world after one date. People who take things slowly and take time to reflect make better life choices. And I suspect he wished you a nice holiday on the date, in which case texting it again is just attention seeking.

We are all looking for something different! I can't bear being pursued.

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