I am really worried that my friend is at risk from her ex and the police aren't taking it seriously.

[SafeMove]

I have had to name change because I just checked my posting history and it is quite outing, and I don't want to put my friend at any more risk by anyone connecting any dots. This will be long because it is a lot.

I have been supporting my friend for over two years. She was in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with coercive control. She finally left him after I referred her to a domestic abuse service and children's social care after her ex did something that I assessed as putting her 9 year old DD at risk, (for background he is not the father of her DC and has DC of his own). Over the course of the last 2 years her ex throttled her, sexually assaulted her, told her to kill herself, emotionally abused her, repeatedly cheated on her and gaslighted and controlled her. When she left him at the start of last month, he then started to stalk and harrass her. He does not live in our area but has repeatedly been seen in and around her locality and I have seen literally thousands of voice calls, text messages and social media messages from him on her phone. The harassment and stalking team from our area became involved and told her they couldn't gather that level of evidence, it was in their words 'too much' but have taken some evidence and told her not to block him as it was ongoing evidence. Her ex turned up at one of her child's activities and she phoned 999 and they arrested him for harassment. They then told her to block him. She is dealing with two police forces, one near our locality, the other in his locality. They have arrested him a further 3 times for rape, physical abuse and another harassment arrest. He is now contacting her friends and family, he is making fake social media profiles, getting his children and mother and even his ex wife to contact my friend. On the last arrest my friend said the investigating officers tone changed from the morning of the arrest where she was sympathetic, they interviewed him for an hour and released him and afterwards my friend had to chase up if he had been released as she was terrified of him turning up again at her home. She said the IO was really off with her, said that her ex was claiming it was just a relationship ending out of the blue and that he had done nothing. My friend has text exchanges from the morning after he raped her with him saying 'I went too far, I didn't mean to hurt you' and her saying 'No means no'. The IO said 'Oh about this shove incident'...he didn't shove her, he throttled her and again she has text evidence with him admitting he was so drunk he can't remember it but apologising for the marks on her neck.

Yesterday he sent a threatening text message to a member of my friends family - threatening to expose an exceptionally sensitive and devastating secret that will cause absolute chaos for my friend and saying my friend is mentally ill and he has done nothing wrong. This was one of the main reasons she struggled to leave him as she was scared he would let this secret out and turn it on her. It is escalating and escalating. The night she left him he told her he had 'nothing left'. Children's social care have become involved with his DC since the arrest. Anyone with any experience of something similar?

I feel like ringing the police and saying my friend needs moving somewhere safe. The police don't seem to be treating it seriously and would they even listen to me? Sorry this is so long. I am at my wits end with it and it has got to the point that I wouldn't be surprised to get a phone call hearing terrible news

OP you say she's involved with:

Police
Dv organisation
Local stalking organisation

I'm surprised they haven't been more helpful.

Contact her local MP, you can do that here: www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-an-mp-or-lord/contact-your-mp/

Make a complaint about the police officer. Stalking and more importantly fixation is the number one sign of potential homicide. Contact Paladin: paladinservice.co.uk/

Contact her local council housing department www.gov.uk/find-local-council and ask about the Sanctuary Scheme It's there to make her home safer, they will fit locks and alarms if necessary.

Does she have a restraining order or non molestation order? She can apply herself here: www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation or contact the NCDV for help and advice on how to go about it. She can get free advice from Rights of Women or FLOWS on her legal rights here.

She could also do with an IDVA who can help advocate on her behalf. Contact the National Helpline for advice on that: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

The local DV organisation have been helpful, insofar as they have referred her to MARAC and it has come out as high and they are providing emotional support.

The police team where he lives are focusing on the assault crimes. They just keep arresting him, then saying they need more investigation before taking it to CPS. The local police team are focusing on the harassment side, but only went to arrest him again for that yesterday and she hasn't heard anything, just that he has been released and they will be in touch. They advised her that a non-molestation order wasn't necessary as she will get more protection from criminal proceedings but the criminal proceedings are just being filed as 'needing more investigation'. The obsessive stalking and harassment is the thing that is breaking my friend. The stalking team seem lovely but they have gathered the evidence and seem to have gone off the radar! I totally understand that people need time to gather things together and make decisions but that delay is IMO putting my friend at risk.

Every single one of those links is going to be used @username18702. Thank you so much.

I get it OP. They don't seem to be acting with the necessary urgency here. It's obviously high risk as it's with MARAC. I would speak to the Sanctury Scheme (it might be called something else) and try and get a shufty with the locks and alarms. I would also look into things like a letterbox protection guard. Call the fire brigade about this: www.london-fire.gov.uk/safety/the-home/reducing-arson-with-letterbox-protection/

Make all the calls, take notes, get names of who you're talking to.

You can make police complaints here: www.policeconduct.gov.uk/complaints-reviews-and-appeals/make-complaint But it's best to do it through your local MP, you'll get a quicker response.

Amazing. Thank you. I just need to do something! I desperately want her to move in with me, so he can't get to her but we both have 3 DC each and it would be a nightmare, plus she needs to stay near the DC school as that is the only break she is getting when they go to school, so this helps me feel like I am actually doing something practical. Thank you so much for your help. I can't thank you enough.

You are an incredible friend, op. Mind yourself as well x

Op, you've had some great advice here and I hope it helps.

Just wanted to say, if your friend's secret is related to past sex work, National Ugly Mugs are a great support for current and former sex workers who are being threatened with outing.

These agencies just don't seem to provide enough support before things get out of hand.. So many times I've heard of cases where the police say "we cant do anything until he turns up/acts again", then he does, and they arrest, and let go. Which is no use whatsoever...
It just sounds like such a terrible situation.. I hope u are able to use some of the advice given in replies to your post to help your friend. I don't have anything useful to add apart from to say that something really needs to be done to protect these women, because this is not the first situation that I've heard of where not enough is being done to protect people who need it!