When someone close to you seems different from time to time

[Marinsasalla]

Many years ago I had a very close relationship (not romantic) with a female friend which went pear-shaped when a new woman started at the place where we worked.

The first idea I had about the relationship declining was just a feeling that my friend was pulling away, or being different with me at certain times, but her old self at others. My friend later told me that the new woman had been keen to go out to lunch with her, without me, and had told my friend not to tell me.

My friend had maintained the secrecy for a few weeks, before telling me about their lunch 'dates' because she felt guilty and it was getting to the stage where she'd have to lie to me about her whereabouts, and she felt the secrecy was just getting silly anyway as we were grown women.

The point of describing this experience from years ago is that I now have unfortunately been experiencing exactly the same feeling about my DH - that he's pulling away from me from time to time, sometimes being completely normal, and at other times, being different. There doesn't appear to be a pattern to it. It can catch me unawares.

When I think back to how my friend was. She was not horrible to me at all during that time, we'd still get on really well, but sometimes she would be tight-lipped when we chatted. Less free-flowing. Occasionally she would just almost stare blankly back at me when I'd say something. She was basically just different from time to time, I suppose, not her normal self. When I think about the vibes I got back then, I am reminded of them now with DH.

My first thought is that he's being persuaded in a similar way. But about what or by whom I don't know. The experiences are some 30 years apart so it's not like I always have this feeling either.

What would you do? Wait and see if he says something, like my friend did?

I did ask him the other day what was up as he was looking pretty fed up. He immediately looked up and changed his facial expression to look happier and said he just had a headache. I've also asked him if he's depressed and he says no more than anyone else throughout this pandemic.

*Bumping. Interested in possible replies.

Do you think he could be potentially involved with someone else?

I think you describe this so well. I know exactly what you mean and remember it with my Xh. It was like a cloud came over him. I'm quite a cheerful person and I couldn't snap him out of it no matter what I tried.

I couldn't get him to open up - he closed off to me and opened up to someone else. I could probably have picked up the signs earlier but to be honest, there were numerous practical reasons that I didn't actually want the realisation any sooner.

Hopefully there is a less sinister reason for you, but in my case it was a work colleague, to whom he's now married.

The facial expression thing - I snapped a long range photo on a family trip to the beach and later zoomed in - I was really shocked that his face was like absolute thunder and I hadn't realised.

I know exactly what you mean. I have felt this from time to time with my DP. Sometimes it turns out he has a big problem going on at work but didn’t want to bore me about it. Sometimes it’s something to do with the ex and again, not something he wants to burden me with, but then it all comes out anyway!

Once it was at a time when he was grieving a close friend so I put it down to that, but he got so distant, for many months, that I thought about ending things as he was making decisions that affected me without seemingly beating me in mind. It turned out he was overly-emotionally involved with a female friend who had been “supporting him through his grief”. He allegedly cut contact and I didn’t find out about all this until years later but it made sense in retrospect as he’d been ‘elsewhere’ for some time.

I’d definitely be probing for a bit more info in case there’s something else going on, we have instincts for a reason. Yes sometimes they’re not spot on. But often they are pointing us towards something that needs our attention.

*bearing me in mind!