Sorry this is so long. Trying not to drip-feed.
I have a cousin in her late 40s who never really flew the nest and whose life has always been centred on her mother. Her mum, my aunt, was a very strong personality — often generous and good company, but also manipulative. My aunt would invite me and my mum to visit and we'd have a lovely time, and then when Mum wasn't in the room my aunt would say something nasty about Mum that she knew would hurt. I fairly quickly wised up to her manipulation and always careful around her.
My cousin left home for university and then trained for a profession and lived independently for a few years. I lived in the same city at that time and we'd sometimes meet and she seemed happy and had friends, though she was on the phone to her mum several times a day and it was all a bit too 'Love you, Mum' for my taste. This was the 90s and my family didn't behave like that.
My cousin had a career up and running when her mum had an operation and she went back home to look after her for a while — and never left. She took a job where she could work mainly from home and did very well. About 10 years ago they went to live in a large beautiful house hundreds of miles away from me and most of the family. It's in an isolated position: no neighbours or village on the doorstep. They had a cleaner and a gardener who seemed to be the only contact they had with the outside world. I was asked to visit a couple of times a year and they were very hospitable, but they never talked about friends. They had fabulous holidays together — things I could never afford. It was an enviable lifestyle in some ways.
My mum died a few years ago after a long illness and earlier this year my aunt died. She was in her mid 80s and had been ailing for years, so it didn't seem unexpected to me. I was there, at my cousin's request, when my aunt died and my cousin seemed absolutely destroyed by it. In fact she told me that she and her mum had never talked about the mother's death because neither really thought she'd die. It was the opposite of my experience with my own mother: she'd planned her own funeral and would talk about it happily.
Anyway, it's become clear that my cousin doesn't have much of a social or support network. In the last few months she's leaned heavily on me and her cleaner for emotional and practical support. So much so that the cleaner has handed in her notice. I live a four-hour drive away and I have a full-time job. I can't just drive over there every time she has a low point.
I'm suspect she's tipping from the mild depression associated with grief into something darker and I've persuaded her to ask her GP for assistance. She's waiting to start CBT and is already saying that it's not going to work for her. We speak most days and she's always saying things like 'My life is over, there's no point in going on without Mum around' and 'I've just realised that I'll never go on holiday again. I couldn't possibly go on holiday on my own'.
I'm trying to listen and not offer solutions or point out that of course she'll go on holidays and she won't always feel this way, but it's hard work. It's been four months now and she seems as devastated as the day her mother died. I'm absolutely not expecting her to get over it, but I would have hoped for a little perspective by now. I'm also finding her helplessness difficult to cope with. There are times when I'm visiting where I feel that I'm dealing with a child. I suppose she's been used to someone controlling her life and she's not used to making her own decision. But I can't go on like this indefinitely.
Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation? I had quite a close relationship with my mum but I really don't think I can understand the intensity my cousin is going through.