How do I help my dcs?

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For background my ex is a gas lighting controlling shit and that is one of the numerous reasons why he is my ex. My question is how do I protect my dcs from being affected by this? He's their dad, so I can't and wouldn't want to interfere with their relationship but I do need to set them up with the knowledge of what is and isn't ok, and how to live their lives without accepting this in their future relationships.

Some examples, if I or they ever have an issue his default answer is 'are you complaining?', or 'I know you think I'm a bad man', or 'I can see you don't like me very much. Do you want me to go away? I tell you what, I'll go away'. He will as well. Hell turn and walk off leaving them distraught and they'll run after him apologising and promising to be good etc. It's shit, and it breaks my heart. They are little, lower primary age.

I found this very hard to deal with as an adult. I lost confidence and started to doubt myself. Both my DM and MIL have agreed that he is manipulative and sets other people up to fail. He admits it himself. He thinks it's a good quality, and is proud of it.

Be kind, I need a strategy to help my dcs know this an adult behaving badly, and not something they have done, or can change. It would kill me if they grew up thinking they were at fault in anyway.

He sounds emotionally abusive OP and it's heartbreaking to think of those little children running after their daddy apologising. Can you keep a log of his behaviour, keep texts, phone messages, emails for evidence? I would let him go to court for contact and have a log of his disgusting behaviour as evidence. Or arrange contact via a contact centre. Can you contact Gingerbread on their helpline to discuss?

Wow just wow

You are right this really is emotional abuse. How dare he! How bloody dare he make his children frightened by walking off because he's not adult enough to deal with something he doesn't like!

Absolutely livid reading this. I do not have any advice or wise words, other than reporting him to social service for emotional abuse. Or even just to get some advice. That fact is is that the children will feel emotionally scared/ frightened, instead of feeling safe and supported.

Hopefully someone will come along any minute to give you some advice. Good luck

I have no experience in this area but I have been mulling it over since I read your OP this morning. Can you model positive emotional behaviour and open emotional communication?

Not to be better-than-thou's-ex (not hard, considering) or to be explicitly "other" than him, but to demonstrate to your children that his behaviour is the exception.

Practically, I think I mean that you can talk to them about how they are feeling and make it clear that they can talk to you about negative emotions, things that are bothering them, and even question your behaviour, without negative or manipulative consequences. Perhaps also talk to you DM and MIL (they sound supportive) and/or the school to make it so that the adults around your DC understand they are dealing with an emotional abuser and that you are trying to encourage emotional honesty and clear, positive feedback in every other arena.

Also, take every opportunity (where appropriate) to instill the idea that they are not responsible for other people's emotional behaviours, i.e. "mummy is a bit short/shouty/quiet because I am tired, but this is not your fault and thank you for asking. I appreciate that you care".

In case you are ever upset with your DC, take care to specify the ACTION that upset you ("I am annoyed becuase I asked you to tidy up and you didn't. I want you to help me") and never "you are selfish/I am upset because of you".

Also, I think that other PP was right to say keep notes of any communication with him, maybe keep a diary of how the kids are before and after seeing him and anything specific he says/does that upsets them. Also, if you have examples, you can email him (always written) to say "DC were upset this weekend because you walked away from them" - not so that he can argue or change (ha!) but that you have a record of his behaviour and your efforts to inform him. Sorry, that turned out rather long.

Thank you, all very useful and positive advice. @holrosea I particularly value your input on practical day to day modelling of good emotional behaviour with the dcs. That's where I was most at a loss, as I personally have not dealt well with ex. He is a very very intelligent man, with a stellar career, who never puts anything incriminating in writing or a message. It is all verbal.

It has really helped to write everything down and get advice.

Aren't they all! If you haven't already, read the abuser profiles in "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, he's probably Mr. Nice Guy. It helps to understand the pattern of his behaviour and to know that you are not crazy/overreacting/overly sensistive (you're not).

Unless you actively seek to block contact, he will have to be part of their lives for a while yet as their own wishes over who to spend time with won't really be taken into account until they are 12 or 13.

You haven't really mentioned how he is with you, but could you impede/limit his contact by sticking scrupulously to rules? As in if he has EOW, refuse to deviate from it if he makes other plans/wants to swap? And this could cause upset but you can tell the DC "daddy has a clear schedule and he has not organised himself properly." Of course this isn't really very effective if you are relying on him for childcare or you need flexibility yourself.

Just a random thought, but I had a friend who went through anger management counselling which is obviously about dealing with unpleasant emotions safely. She was advised to have a "safe word" with friends and family to communicate "I am feeling attacked/trapped/my anger is rising" in a way that allowed her to leave a situation and calm down in a way that didn't let the whole thing blow up or require explanation.

You could adapt this to your DC for emotions that they are too young to understand or express clearly, i.e. you can talk to them about feeling a bit sad/confused/left out/frustrated, and make it clear that if they ever feel a bit like that but don't know why, they can just say "penguins" and you'll know that maybe they need a bit of time/space/TLC without them having to lay it all out. It's tricky getting the balance right of modeling good behaviour and also leaving them some space.

Thank you @holrosea, it's made me well up that a stranger on the internet cares enough to help so much. I've taken everything you have said to heart and am now have some strategies going forward to deal with this. He absolutely is Mr Nice Guy. People love him.