I'm in a shit situation

[Elodiee]

I had my first child when I was quite young, DP is 10 years older than me and we weren't married. The pregnancy was unplanned as I was on the pill, but it was late into the pregnancy when it was discovered. We then talked about marriage, planned marriage, then I had PND and marriage didn't happen as he didn't like the PND version of me.

My Dad died, my mum moved away and I felt extremely lonely so stayed with DP in hopes of things improving and us getting married. I wanted a sibling for DC1 and so 5 years later had DC2, a decision I'll always be glad I made (please no flaming).

We are now 8 years later and still no marriage, I am older, wiser and know I was naive when I had DC1. I have worked part-time since DC1 was born (I anticipate another flaming- please be kind) through choice. This was after the breakdown in my mental health through PND which lasted 2.5 years. I've continued working part time as I tried full time again, only to feel myself deteriorating at the mental load of running a home and having a young family on top of this. I also work in a demanding profession and was exhausted and couldn't keep up with the workload. DP didn't pull his weight enough and no matter what I said to him, I couldn't make him either as he had an answer for everything. He spends his weekends with his brothers or his mates doing a whole load of hobbies, from motorbike racing, to golf, football, tennis. You name it, he does it.
I feel trapped and very alone.
I know I need to get out of this situation.
I know that my pension has suffered, I know I have few rights as a mere cohabitee. I have seen a solicitor, I know where I stand and I don't have much stance at all. Luckily, we own our home 50/50.
At home I feel like nothing more than a household appliance. There is little love, little affection. For 2 years, I have slept in the spare room. He is described as "lovely" by everyone who knows him, but I've been subjected to low level, subtle misogyny, not been valued, appreciated all these years and largely feel used. His parents aren't much better and are backing him up and defending him. I'm left feeling unhappy qnd yet also feeling like I'm imaging things. He won an award at work recently for his amazing contribution to his work. His colleagues think he's wonderful, he can't do enough to help everyone but me.

I know that to become financially independent and to buy my own place, I need to find full time work that pays enough to cover nusrery fees. However, I don't want to end up depressed in the same cut throat profession full time. I have no idea what to do? I don't think I'll cope with that type of work as a single mum. I feel trapped into staying here. I find parenting emotionally draining, although I love it. I'm just not sure I'll manage.

I have a plan, but I anticipate that it will take a good part of a year to pull off. I'm stuck here, living like this, with him, until then. I'm reluctant to invite friends over incase they pick up on the frosty atmosphere between us so we're becoming isolated in this house together. We definitely put an act on infront of DCs however and they don't appear to have picked up on anything but it must be affecting them.

I'm struggling to get my head around him not being the man I thought he was. He told my dad on his death bed that he would take care of me. He hasn't. He just takes, takes, takes. He's very sexist and yet to other women, he's fantastic. An older woman I work with once told me what a gentleman I had and how lucky I was. This couldn't be further from the truth. I feel like his hidden help, invisibly peddling away like mad in the basement.

I don't know what I'm looking for here.
But any kindness or well meaning advice would be appreciated as I'm feeling so low and helpless.

It's clear you are very unhappy with a man that seems resentful having you around, time to get your ducks in a row, it's great you already work part time, if you're renting then you'll be able to apply for uc to help pay rent, is it his house, do you need to move? don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself such as having to buy a home on your own, just get the courage to leave first then get settled on your own with the children. Remember you are already doing the childcare whilst working while he goes and does he own thing, you really don't need or miss a man like that.

You sound fantastic.
Well done for making sensible decisions regarding work and your mental health - that shows awareness and seems to be geared towards sustainability rather than doing too much and landing in a broken heap. Well done.
No one should judge you on your family choices.
I think you will feel better when you have made a plan. If it takes a year or so to completely come in to effect then fine, but if you break it down and every day you are doing something towards changing your situation then you will feel better, more in control and less stuck. You will be on your way to somewhere.
That could look like putting some money aside each day, decluttering your possessions ready for moving out, making enquiries into rental properties.
Tick the days off on your calendar and watch as you slowly reach your goal.
Try and socialise without your husband if you can so you are not needlessly isolated. You need to nourish yourself as a person during this time, that includes friendship and social contact.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your partner. You need to separate - that's ok. Making it happen (however slowly) will make you feel better. Good luck.

Don't give up on happiness and don't stay with someone who makes you feel less than you are. You feel trapped, and looking at a future without the stability you have is scary. But you can't predict what will happen or how you will feel. Start taking small steps to move forward into the life you deserve and the universe will begin to help you get to where you want to be in small ways. I know it sounds wacky, but sometimes we can overthink to the point of rendering ourselves immobile. I speak from experience. I hope you can find the strength you need. You deserve to feel valued and loved.

Have you worked out how much cms you would get? Surely he would have to pay half of the nursery fees. Child benefit adds up, free school meals and Universal Credit would help until you got established in full time hours.
If it is just finances holding you back, have a really good look at the help available.

Why would you need to pay all the nursery fees? Surely he would have to pay cm? And surely working can’t be worse than this?

Would your DP want to have /be persuaded to have the children at all after you've split up?
In which case if you come to a regular arrangement you may find you can work longer hours. If he holds up his end of the bargain, anyway..

OP. It's not worse, it's better. There's the horror of the thought that you're going to be locked in the house from bedtime for the next 10 years, but then that fades, as you realise it's not actually that bad, and you have all this spare time suddenly because you have the control over what's happening in the house, there's less washing/cooking/cleaning etc.

I ended it with my partner at Christmas, and 6 months on it's fantastic. I've got a childminder, we're in a routine, I'm out exercising, the house has never been tidier for much less work - you can do this. Make the plans, rip the plaster off, and you'll see how much better it can be.

The good news is that I've rarely read such a cogent, articulate, insightful description of their own situation. The trouble is that you have become fixed in your thinking and many of the PP have given you different views. I think you must start taking some actions now, for your own mental health. You are still young, you have your life ahead of you. You don't have to make all the changes at once but please start. I have a good feeling, you will manage this!

If you work part time then you will get benefits as a single parent as long as you don't have huge savings.

Leave, rent somewhere else for the time being, get the house sold (or he'll have to buy you out), and use your share of the proceeds to buy somewhere of your own. He'll have to pay child maintenance.

You’ve made the big step , you know your out ! The head bit Is the hard bit . You said you have a plan … fantastic… a year is nothing . Get organised , put you and DC in best possible position. Get back out there and get your network back up and running . You will thrive! Good luck 💐

Do the "Entitled to" calculator for benefits, you will probably get Universal credit and still be able to work part time - see how much it would cost to rent initially whilst the house is sold. Or how about if you asked him to leave whilst you sold the house? Can he go to his parents? I too admire you for knowing this early on (and trust me for you it is early) that this needs to stop. Get out now, or ask him leave.

Wow. Uttery blown away by the support in this thread. I'd imagined a total flaming.

I've calculated all the finances... even enquired as to how much I can borrow for a mortgage etc, so I've a good idea of where we'll be at financially. Even with DP paying half towards childcare, it's pretty tight.

If I hang on until Easter though, we're entitled to free childcare hours. I could plan and network socially, look at more jobs and aim to increase my earnings by then.

I need to work around 8 hours more, earning my current hourly rate, in this profession, to afford a home that will cater for our needs as a single parent.

If I won 100k tomorrow, I'd be gone.

Good luck OP

Have your friends round, tell them, get their support. They’ll want to help. Keep posting if you need support. You deserve better.

OP you sound lovely. Head screwed on
And do stop talking yourself down!

OP I am sorry you are going through this. I think ring with this man is contributing to your poor mental health. I think once you leave you may find that it improves drastically and you are able to work more hours.
Have you got any family you can stay with for a while whilst you get yourself sorted?

I meant to ask being* with this man

OP you do sound really lovely and very intelligent and capable, it comes across in your post. I really wish you the very best. You are still young too, you will feel so free when you lose that dead weight 🤞

I read your post OP and was overwhelmed by the hurdles you have to over come, but if you break it down into bullet points you may feel less
intimidated by the situation.

First up. He is not going to change, but you have an opportunity to start sorting your life out before you tell him.

Make the decision to leave or ask him to leave. Find out where you stand and get advice from Women's aid or a solicitor.

Stay strong. Do not cave in because it is all so engulfing. It sounds as if you have already worked things out financially but the life situation with him must be utterly draining. Keep your head up and put an end to this miserable carry on. No matter how poor you may be you will be happy and free and there is no price for those things. You have a right to live the way you want.
You sound amazing.

Go as soon as you can
Bit trite but feel the fear and do it anyway, it’s never as bad as you think
Some people are forced into the situation
ExDH left me for OW when my DC were 3 and 4, I found out one morning - he moved out that night, before I even knew that he was leaving he’d put a stop on all our finances
He gave me £50 to buy some groceries - I didn’t even have my own bank account!
I can’t tell you how - but it all eventually fell into place
I made myself a new career, embraced being a lone parent, realised there were fab men out there who made me feel good about myself and who I enjoyed being with
Admittedly I’m only now financially secure in my 50s, but am very proud that I’ve done it on my own
My grown up DC are very close and I’m happier than I ever thought I could be
Good luck - you won’t need it, though - you sound like you will smash it

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, and I cannot describe to you how much happier I am, and therefore the house and thus my children are, now that I'm divorced.

Take a simple chore, washing the dishes. I used to do it seething with resentment that Ex was sat on his arse, he should be doing it; the bitterness, the weight of that bitterness. Now, I do the same chore, but I sing and hum and skip whilst doing so.

It will be harder for you because of the not married situation, but you know that, he will still owe child maintenance.

Whatever your finances are now, they will only get better.

Regarding holding on till Easter, divorce takes a long time. It has taken us 2 years from deciding to finally getting the decree nisi and different houses.

If you start getting sorted now, it will be Easter anyway.

Can I just say as well - you sound awesome, there's no way anyone would flame any of your decisions, they were all made for the good of your children. Ultimately selfless.
For me, with similar traits in my ex, I tell anecdotes now about our life and people are horrified by how much I took on my shoulders.

Good luck op. You will be happier the other side. X

Such hopeful responses.
Thank you.
I don't have any family that I can stay with for the interim, but I've enlisted the help of an impartial professional to mediate some serious discussions between us now. He's agreed to attending this atleast.

Just keep thinking about the years I've been secretly unhappy whilst DCs have been little. I wish they could have been happier and more joyous for me on the inside. I dreamt last night that I was a few years down the line and I was chatting to a male friend about this relationship and I looked back at it, describing it as "joyless and loveless." I awoke thinking, yes, that's about right really.

I don’t think you should worry about everything at once. Deal with the separation first. Can you get by short term on part time money supplemented by child maintenance and maybe benefits?
A separation will be difficult and you will want to be emotionally available for your children. As your mental health means you shouldn’t overload yourself, I would say that trying to launch in to full time work in a new role while separating may be too much. Though IMO you’ve had a lot to deal with, two DCS, a demanding job, pandemic and relationship issues. It also seems as though you lack support from your own family It would be a lot for anyone so don’t be too hard on yourself.
You definitely sound to hard on yourself.
In my experience if you take the right steps things will eventually fall into place.

I was married to one that looked respectable and helpful to others on the outside too, but showed a completely different face at home.

Good luck to you.