Confused about relationship and friend

[cookies92]

I've been with my husband for over 9 years, married for 4 and we have 2 kids. Our relationship has been very up and down. Our first child was unplanned when we were both 21, we weren't ready and still stayed at home but we wanted to make a go of it so we moved in together and 7 years on we got married and had another baby who is now 2. Over the years my husband has done some pretty horrible stuff to me - texted other girls (no evidence of actual cheating but I wouldn't be surprised if he had), gambling, lying and the worst thing is his family who he has allowed to destroy me as a person who I had to cut out of my life a year ago. All these things have happened multiple times. Easter this year he moved out for a few weeks after losing the plot and smashing our house up and pushing me. He came back and we went to counselling but I don't feel he takes anything she says on board. Since April I've not worn my wedding ring and I've not been happy. My kids are the only reason I've stayed as they adore him and my son found it hard when he moved out.

The next part is where its all become even more confusing. After a very drunken night me and my best friend (girl) slept together last weekend. It was so unexpected, I don't know what lead to it. She has a partner and boyfriend as well. Afterwards we have both been really confused about what happened. She is very off and on with her feelings towards it, one minute she's wanting to leave her partner, she liked what happened with me and the next it's made her realise she does love her partner. She's my best friend and has been there for me so much, she's good with my kids and loves them like her own especially my youngest who's the same age as her son. I'm so confused on my feelings about her, but I definitely do not want a relationship and I do not expect her to leave her partner over this.

Last night I told my husband I don't want to be with him anymore and obviously he was upset and begging me to reconsider. I know what I did with my friend was wrong and still cheating but I don't even feel as bad as I should. I have tried to be the perfect wife and mother and I feel my husband has constantly done the opposite and done things that have hurt me over and over which have lead to this.

I'm in a constant state of upset and confusion to the point I'm finding it hard to be a mum. When he left in April I felt like I coped a lot better than I expected and also felt some relief he left. This time round, and I don't know if its to do with my feelings towards my friend Im just struggling with how I feel about everything.

Sorry for the long winded post. Anyone able to help dissect what's going on? :(

@cookies92

Sorry you have such turbulence at the moment.
Do you want to date your best friend?
How do you feel about her?

[quote Justa47]@cookies92

Sorry you have such turbulence at the moment.
Do you want to date your best friend?
How do you feel about her?[/quote]
No it's not what I need or want right now and she's not ready to leave her relationship. I think she's confused about it and even before this thing happened between us she's always been unsure but she's definitely not in a place where she wants to leave, and I can't expect her to cheat on him. She's definitely confused about us as well. She had my daughter overnight at the weekend and I went round for a drink and she said she liked what happened between us and would be jealous if I was with anyone else and kissed me but then she will change her mind and say that can never happen again and it's made her realise she does love her partner and is lucky to have him. I don't know how I feel but I obviously feel something it's just unexpected and in that worst situation to feel this.

Justa47, that's answered in the post: I definitely do not want a relationship and I do not expect her to leave her partner over this

OP it sounds like you need some time on your own to clear your head. Your husband isn't making you happy. Life is too short.

OP, the two things are separate.

Your DH sounds like a twat and you will be well rid of him. So carry on with plans to leave your marriage.

WRT your best friend, unfortunately the friendship has to be over at this point. She’s in a relationship, and if you’d slept with a married man the advice would be that you need to block him and never speak to him again, as would be the advice if your friend’s partner posted here that he knew she’d slept with you.

As hard as it is you need to block this woman and move on with your own life, and let her work out her own life without you in it.

I know that’s harsh, but once you cross a line there’s no going back.

You need some time alone first OP. Get out of that destructive relationship and heal. Then you can decide where you go next.

@ticktockriojaoclock

Justa47, that's answered in the post: I definitely do not want a relationship and I do not expect her to leave her partner over this

OP it sounds like you need some time on your own to clear your head. Your husband isn't making you happy. Life is too short.

I think that makes sense. I've never felt so confused, upset, numb and whatever else in my life. I'm not sure if what happened with my friend has just been a way to distract myself but it's obviously added more confusion. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I'm scared this causes us to fallout. We have a night away booked that was booked before the incident and I don't how that will go.

My husband has been crying and begging me and now he's at work he's saying he won't give up on us. I'm just in turmoil. I never wanted any of this.

@AlternativePerspective

OP, the two things are separate.

Your DH sounds like a twat and you will be well rid of him. So carry on with plans to leave your marriage.

WRT your best friend, unfortunately the friendship has to be over at this point. She’s in a relationship, and if you’d slept with a married man the advice would be that you need to block him and never speak to him again, as would be the advice if your friend’s partner posted here that he knew she’d slept with you.

As hard as it is you need to block this woman and move on with your own life, and let her work out her own life without you in it.

I know that’s harsh, but once you cross a line there’s no going back.

I really don't want to lose her. She's been a great friend to me and my kids love her. She's always been there for me in a second. If I lost her as my best friend it would kill me :(

Your husband is violent, he hasn’t actually tried until now when he realises that it’s over.

I know you don’t want to lose the friendship but tbh that ship has sailed. You really can’t stay friends with someone you’ve slept with when that person is in a relationship.

@Crowsandshivers

You need some time alone first OP. Get out of that destructive relationship and heal. Then you can decide where you go next.

Thank you for the advice!

I agree the two are separate but wonder if being with someone that loves you as a person and is kind is what got you in that situation.

Step 1 is extricate going yourself from a relationship that has kept you down for the entirety of it. He is an abysmal excuse for a human being and you need him gone.

The last thing you need right now is a new relationship. Tell this to your friend, take some space from her and perhaps get some counselling x

OP you need to be honest here. If you knew someone who was male or female and they slept with their (married) best friend of the opposite sex, would you think it ok for that friendship to continue? For them to continue to see each other sometimes with the oblivious partner in the picture, knowing what had happened, and with the sexual tension there?

This is no different just because your best friend is female.

Will you really be able to sit in the same room as her partner, and her kids, knowing that you two have slept together.

Continuing this friendship is a recipe for disaster, and it’s unfair on everyone involved, especially on the innocent parties such as her husband and children.

And FWIW I’m not judging what happened. Affairs happen. Often there is a catalyst for those affairs and life is rarely black and white.

But unfortunately there is almost always a price to pay.

@Windmillwhirl

I agree the two are separate but wonder if being with someone that loves you as a person and is kind is what got you in that situation.

Step 1 is extricate going yourself from a relationship that has kept you down for the entirety of it. He is an abysmal excuse for a human being and you need him gone.

The last thing you need right now is a new relationship. Tell this to your friend, take some space from her and perhaps get some counselling x

It could be. I went to me and my husbands counselling session alone last week so I could discuss with her what happened with my friend. She said I need to figure out what my feelings for her are as it could be something like you've described. I know I'm not in a position to want a relationship and I've made that clear to her but the thought of losing our friendship is hard. Before all this she was a great friend, she would jump for me in an instant so its hard to just let all that go.

I feel horrible mostly for my kids about leaving my husband. My eldest is nearly 7 and very aware, last time he was upset he moved out. I will have to move out and that will kill him too. I just want to be happy :(

@AlternativePerspective

OP you need to be honest here. If you knew someone who was male or female and they slept with their (married) best friend of the opposite sex, would you think it ok for that friendship to continue? For them to continue to see each other sometimes with the oblivious partner in the picture, knowing what had happened, and with the sexual tension there?

This is no different just because your best friend is female.

Will you really be able to sit in the same room as her partner, and her kids, knowing that you two have slept together.

Continuing this friendship is a recipe for disaster, and it’s unfair on everyone involved, especially on the innocent parties such as her husband and children.

I do 100% get what you're saying I really do it's just very difficult to imagine her not in my life at all.

Do you think that the sex with your friend could have happened because you just craved closeness to someone as you are going through a bad time with your husband . Prior to that , have you been sexually attracted to her ?

@Sunnyday321

Do you think that the sex with your friend could have happened because you just craved closeness to someone as you are going through a bad time with your husband . Prior to that , have you been sexually attracted to her ?

It is very possible that that's why.

We always flirt with each other but I've always assumed it as a joke but a couple times I've wondered if there was any meaning behind it, but I certainly didn't expect it to lead to where it did.

Perhaps it was an itch that was always going to be scratched.
You need to sort out what is happening in your marriage before deciding where you are going with your friend. Stop letting her kiss you.

I first and foremost it sounds like you really do need to leave your dh. After that spend some time on your own and then you can make a decision on what you want next.

As for your friend, I'd just have a concern with her, neither of you are in a place to even start to think about a relationship. Keep the friendship (although it will have changed now)