Ask him back?

[Lovepeaceandcoffee]

I have found out that my dp has been having an affair since before the children were born. We've been separated almost a year because of it. I miss him terribly. In your experience, can a relationship work after an affair if we get back together?

In my experience. Only if you are prepared to pretend it never happened and it will never be spoken of again. Only for him to leave six years later for someone else.

If he is genuinely remorseful and can talk openly about the problems that led him to the affair. Etc then you can maybe trust him enough to move forward together.

No

Does he want to get back together? I very much doubt this will work anyway though, well, I have never come across any such success stories anyway.

You have done a year, you have done the hardest bit. When I last had my heart broken, the first year was awful, but after then things only got better, because I could always see how much better I was doing versus twelve months earlier. You are nearly there, go forward not backwards.

@LovepeaceandcoffeeI am going to give you a bit of insight to this but just so you're aware I am a man and it was my wife that decided to end our marriage for a work colleague.

First my wife bounced back and forth between myself and the OM and she has now currently decided she wants to be with the OM, while living at home btw! so If your husband is trying to get back do NOT make it easy for him, he will need to prove he wants you back and if he is serious he will do that over the long term and stick the course. If you make it too easy you might end up in a situation like mine where he will come and go.

Next point is when my wife came back the focus I had about trying to get her back shifted and all of the things she had done took over my thoughts and I started to wonder if I could actually accept it, but I persisted because I love her and we talked about things but there was something there under the surface that seemed to have switched in our relationship, it was almost like we where strangers although we've been together over 20 years.

There is a fundamental shift in a relationship when someone does this to you its never the same, I am not saying it can't be better but it can only be that way if two people actually want that and are willing to put in the work. Just be very careful and take it slow

The question is...does he miss you as much as you do him? Sadly, maybe a year is too long to bring it back now. Are you missing the dream you had with him? Or just missing having someone around? A year is a long time to be separated, there will be a lot of moving on from him and yourself to a certain extent. He will probably continue to having affairs if you did actually get back together so you need to factor that in too unfortunately.

Save yourself the heartache and leave him alone. If he comes to you and is genuine and wants to do whatever it takes to get you back, then that’s different. But don’t go to him.

Even if your relationship could work out, why would you want it to?

I mean this is the nicest way possible, but if you think it's worth taking back a man who cheated on you (probably throughout your pregnancy too?) you need to work through learning how to love yourself rather than occupy your mind with a marriage.

Did he come clean or did you find out? Did he make an effort to try to make things work? Has be been asking to get back together?

To be honest regardless of the circumstances, an affair is not just a drunken mistake, he deliberately chose another woman and prioritized her over keeping your family together. Do you really want to share your life with someone like that?

Only if he genuinely wants to as well. What has he been doing in your year separation, did the affair end when you found out?