My Boyfriend’s female friendships AIBU

[Floramay123]

My partner is in his early 50’s, we’ve been together a few months, he’s never been married, bit of a Peter Pan character, no kids and has had lots of short term relationships.
I have young children from a previous relationship.
He is very sociable, has tons of friends and we never go anywhere without him knowing at least a couple of people.
AUBU to feel a bit uncomfortable that he has a what’s app chat group with two other women, one of which he used to sleep with? I bought it up but he said I was being ridiculous and that I was trying to stop him having friends. I said that wasn’t the case but just felt that as he’s no longer single it might be a bit inappropriate. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him spending a Saturday with them both whilst I’m at home with my children.
I wouldn’t do that to him as I wouldn’t think it’s very respectful. Am I being ridiculous, as he says, to feel a bit hurt?
Any thoughts and views would be greatly appreciated x

In my circle of friends it's very normal to stay friends (or at least in the same amicable circle) with exes,unless the relationship break-up was particularly unpleasant. I think it's a good thing, and a sign of good relationship skills, when people can keep a friendship after a romantic or sexual relationship has come to an end.

Get those women's numbers because when this ends at least youll have made some new friends. He's 50. He's not changing (nor should he have to) . He likes women friends, including exes. If you're not cool with that get out now before you become attached.

I’d bin him OP, there’s a reason his relationship history is the way it is.

My DP loves spending time with me, with or without my DC and he would never prioritise spending time with other women over us.

.. he does sometimes prioritise the boys/ sport over us, but I’m very very happy with that. They aren’t his DC and I like having time with them alone anyway

Some people are comfortable with their OH being friends with their ex's or previous FWB and some aren't. Just because there are a list of people on here who think it's fine doesn't mean you have to think so OP. If you're not comfortable with it then just call it a day, there's no point making yourself miserable because people think you should be ok with something. This isn't just a long term friend it's someone he shagged and it doesn't sound like he's making you feel like a priority to be honest. Maybe he's just a bit too extroverted or a bit too much of an attention seeking party boy for you?

@Tal45

Some people are comfortable with their OH being friends with their ex's or previous FWB and some aren't. Just because there are a list of people on here who think it's fine doesn't mean you have to think so OP. If you're not comfortable with it then just call it a day, there's no point making yourself miserable because people think you should be ok with something. This isn't just a long term friend it's someone he shagged and it doesn't sound like he's making you feel like a priority to be honest. Maybe he's just a bit too extroverted or a bit too much of an attention seeking party boy for you?

But why would he be ‘making the OP a priority’ during a time when she — quite rightly — doesn’t make him one because she’s spending time with her children? They both have other people who are important to them in their lives, as they should do, outside this fairly new relationship.

Trying to control a partners friendship circle is a massive red flag to me. As is trying to stop them socialising with others and laying on the melodramatic guilt.

If I was his friend I would worry that he was at the beginning of an abusive relationship.

I understand people not being super comfortable with their partner being active friends with rh an ex, I keep in contact with exes if they keep in contact with me and we are civil and touch base every once in a while, but not an active friendship as such.

Aside from that (or in addition to that) you've described his relationship history and character, he sounds like a bee going around flowers for nectar type, an eternal bachelor type. Someone said above 50.50 your relationship will go the same way as all his previous ones but I'd say higher than 50 50.

I wouldn't be investing your emotions and getting all oxytocin'd by shagging this guy. He's not really long term relationship material.

There's a chapter in the surprisingly good "he's just not that into you" book talking about the guy who is not relationship material because he has "two many queens in the castle", he sounds like that type.

You're wasting your time with Mr sociability, bon viveur, Peter Pan. Fifties with no history of commitment or kids is pretty unusual & hardcore, says a lot.

I read this a little differently, because of experience I've had with someone similar.

Have you been invited to meet these friends?
Does he do things with them / go to places that he won't do with you?
Does he praise them to you in ways which seem OTT?
Does he discuss your relationship with them and tell you their opinions?
Does he have a coterie of women, or are these genuine friends?
Does he go out of his way to put you at ease, or are you being dripfed info?

My point is, other posters are reading this as these women being genuine friendships but if it's drinking, flirting, ego boosting 'hanging out that the OP is excluded from, then that's something that happens and can be toxic when the comparisons, put downs and "I told Jenny what you said and she thinks you're way out of line" comments start.

OP only you know if these are healthy, normal relationships, or interactions which indicate a shallow, ego-driven, selfish and triangulating man, but the fact you feel uneasy is a message you shouldn't ignore.

I should say that the reason I understand people not being comfortable with a partner being active friends with an ex is that not many people are capable of truly genuinely platonic friendship, so there's often an element of attention, flirtation, validation, "back up" strategy, codependence etc. It's not truly a platonic, neutral friendship. And some people stay friends hoping it's a route back into a relationship at some point (if they're the dumpee), it makes them feel better about being dumped but they're fooling themselves.

To be honest OP I would feel uncomfortable with it too - which is why I wouldn’t date a 50 year old Peter Pan type. I see his point of view too— it’s how he is— neither of you are in the wrong, I just think this relationship will lead to a lot of insecurity on your part— I can almost feel the phone checking coming on when he says he is doing something else etc 6 months down the line. I think maybe you would feel more comfortable with a guy who tends to have more guy friendships and not a load of exes— which is perfectly ok— we are all different

As a back history - I met someone like this many years ago in my 30s—I was straight out of an abusive situation- and I found it very hard to cope with— mobiles were not around thank god or it would have been worse

I'd think very carefully about the 'Peter Pan' label which other posters are also echoing from the OP's usage -- because it sounds curiously as if you're suggesting that a 50something man could be considered to have 'never grown up' because he has never been married, doesn't have children, and has had short-term relationships. Really, haven't we got past the idea that marriage and children is a pre-requisite for adulthood? And how many longterm relationships would he have to have had to qualify as a grownup?

And as the OP says he's been friends with him for 'many years', it seems quite arbitrary to decide that, while she was one of his female friends for years, it's now inappropriate for him to have female friends (presumably the same ones as he had all along?) now that she's his girlfriend.

Myself and my previous partner were together for 8 years. We remained friends as our social group was formed over those 8 years. When i met my husband he didn't particularly like it and if i'm honest he made things awkward and difficult for me for a while because he'd not want to go somewhere he was going or not feel comfortable me being either. TBH I would never have been going out with my ex just the two if us it was always as part of a larger group (ie BBQs etc) In the end he got over it and actually became friends with him himself because my ex is a nice guy! BUT i do think if you are going to be friends with the opposite sex then your partners should be on friendly terms with them too. If my husband and my ex mutually disliked each other than i'd have had to distance myself. Also if my husband has/had a female friend i'd not feel comfortable if they didn't want to be friends with me too. I think I would say it would be great to get to know them too x