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Relationships

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Original poster

My Boyfriend’s female friendships AIBU

40 replies

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:07

My partner is in his early 50’s, we’ve been together a few months, he’s never been married, bit of a Peter Pan character, no kids and has had lots of short term relationships.
I have young children from a previous relationship.
He is very sociable, has tons of friends and we never go anywhere without him knowing at least a couple of people.
AUBU to feel a bit uncomfortable that he has a what’s app chat group with two other women, one of which he used to sleep with? I bought it up but he said I was being ridiculous and that I was trying to stop him having friends. I said that wasn’t the case but just felt that as he’s no longer single it might be a bit inappropriate. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him spending a Saturday with them both whilst I’m at home with my children.
I wouldn’t do that to him as I wouldn’t think it’s very respectful. Am I being ridiculous, as he says, to feel a bit hurt?
Any thoughts and views would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/07/2021 23:11

Does he also think he is your partner? Seems way too fast for someone you have been seeing only a few months

Anordinarymum · 04/07/2021 23:12

I was about to say the same thing. Does he see you as a girlfriend or just another lady 'friend'

Original poster

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:12

Sorry Ana, I’m not sure what you mean, what’s way too fast? x

OP posts:

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/07/2021 23:13

To answer your question I think YABU. Surely you haven’t introduced your DC after a few montsh and wouldn’t expect him to just sit at his hime alone while you are with your DC?

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/07/2021 23:13

Too fast to call a guy you have been seeing for a few months your partner

Original poster

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:14

Oh sorry I see what you mean, no we’re 100% boyfriend and girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:15

Sorry I should have said boyfriend rather than partner. I have known him for many years and we were friends before we started a relationship so he had spent lots of time with me and had met my children many times before as a friend.

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2021 23:18

I think you need to play this extremely carefully or you could trash an otherwise good relationship.

He has had these friends for a while. Just see how it goes. Maybe also go along?

Original poster

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:21

I don’t think it helps that I was in an emotionally and verbally abuse relationship previously with someone who cheated which has dented my confidence massively so I’m quite an insecure person anyway.

I’ll see how it goes and try not to overthink it too much.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/07/2021 23:24

Not an issue in my relationship. We both have a lot of friends of the opposite sex, including several exs. Have never understood why many people seem to find exs so particularly threatening: if I wanted to be shagging my ex, we’d still be doing so, rather than have broken up?m.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable and controlling to waltz into somebody’s life and, having only been around a couple of months, try to make them end friendships they’ve had for years because you’re insecure.

It doesn’t sound like you’re especially compatible - you sound resentful that he leads a social life whilst you have children to look after, which isn’t anything to do with him, and are unlikely to be able to come to terms with his friendships, which is going to lead to resentment on both sides.

Original poster

Floramay123 · 04/07/2021 23:36

Wow Comtesse! With friends like you…

I never said I wanted him to end his friendships. I simply said was I the only person that would feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend meeting up with other women, one of whom he’s been intimate with. I said it was whilst I was with my kids meaning that I wouldn’t be there too.

Everyone is different I guess and that’s great you very secure in your relationship. Unfortunately my relationship with my ex had made me a little insecure and sometimes a bit of advice or reassurance is needed.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 04/07/2021 23:38

@Floramay123

Wow Comtesse! With friends like you…

I think you need to relax a bit OP. Remember that not all men are like your ex. Also remind yourself why he is with you. There must be something he likes !

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2021 23:56

You’re not asking him for reassurance though, you’re asking him to stop chatting to his friends.

You can’t punish him because of how your ex behaved. Your insecurities can’t be used to control him.

He’s only been your boyfriend a few months, from him POV you’re trying to limit who he can be friends with. Most people would agree that’s not okay.

You’re disrespecting him and his right to choose his own friends, at 51, in a brand new relationship.

Glitterandunicorns · 05/07/2021 00:04

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear you had a rough time in previous relationships.

I've got to say that I think it's not on to ask your boyfriend to stop chatting or meeting up with his female friends.

Imagine if this was a thread written in which your new boyfriend was uncomfortable with you meeting your friends. He'd get (rightly) flamed and people would be talking about control and red flags.

It's good that you're asking about whether this is reasonable, but in this case, I'm afraid it's not.

If you're feeling that way, given your previous relationships, is it worth perhaps pursuing some help eg counselling to help you to feel more secure in romantic relationships?

Best of luck.

MMmomDD · 05/07/2021 00:13

OP - Comtesse has a very good point and you got defensive very quickly.
You know you are dating someone who doesn’t have experience / doesn’t ‘do’ long term relationships. He is 50yo.
But for some reason you are expecting him to somehow totally change himself/his life after a few months of dating you.
He is sociable. He has friends everywhere.
He has these two women as friends he regularly sees.
So - sure - one can expect that as your relationship progresses and you entangle your lives more - that his connection to other women would change. That is assuming that his and your lives do become more entangled and you spend a lot more time together.
But as is - not sure why you want him to drop his social life while you are not with him.
If he wanted to still sleep with the ex - she would not have been an ex.

As to your insecurity issues and being cheated in the past - it’s not really his fault. He doesn’t need to provide reassurances over something he didnt cause. However, given your history - is someone like him - a 50yo Peter Pan really the best bf you can find to not trigger you?
Why do you think he will change for you?
Don’t you think every woman he dated thought she’d be the one who’d change him?
This is a risky move and in all likelihood it’ll crash and burn and you lose him as w bf and as a friend.

Onthedunes · 05/07/2021 00:15

To be fair I don't think I would like a new boyfriend to be spending Satuday night with ex sexual partners. Duration of relationship would mean nothing to me 6 weeks or 6 months, it matters not.

But then I'd dump him as it would be far too much like hard work trying to make someone see it can be disrespectful to some women. No not for me, I would want to feel special not feel as though I had to nip to the local GUM clinic each week.

Wouldn't it be easier finding someone who is on the same page as you?

Maggiesfarm · 05/07/2021 00:28

I understand your feelings of insecurity Floramay, but your boyfriend has done nothing wrong.

Being on friendly, chatty terms with an ex is not at all unusual. Thinking about it, I was years ago. My husband didn't mind.

SD1978 · 05/07/2021 00:30

If none of his relationships have lasted more than a few months, it's a 50/50 yours will follow the same timeframe- he seems happy to have flitted from relationship to relationship. What's your concern with him talking to these women? Sounds like he probably stays friends with a few exes as the relationships are all very casual? I doubt you're going to change him much and if you don't trust him, given his track record, maybe break it off now so you can maintain the friendship?

MareMare · 05/07/2021 00:46

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair. I would find it extraordinary that a new girlfriend or boyfriend of a few months would think someone should be retiring their longterm friendships because it’s ‘disrespectful’ now they’re in a relationship. It’s pretty arrogant.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you’re still quite a new girlfriend, and you say he’s had lots of short-term girlfriends in the past. Even if he’s very smitten with you, he’s seen quite a lot of relationships end. He’d be crazy to zone out his longterm friendships for a new relationship that.from past precedent, may not have legs.

Also, would you like it if your friends dumped you every time they started seeing someone, and picked up up again after they been dumped?

Sampafie · 05/07/2021 05:15

@ComtesseDeSpair you hit the nail on the head. Nothing more to be said

ZenNudist · 05/07/2021 07:33

It's fine. Don't start dictating his friendships.

sammylady37 · 05/07/2021 07:57

@ComtesseDeSpair had nailed it, though it’s not what you want to hear OP.
You’re making him pay for the actions of your previous partner, with the trust issues excuse.
And it’s very controlling to expect him to stop seeing friends of many years just because he’s now in a relationship.

stellaisabella · 05/07/2021 08:04

@ComtesseDeSpair hit the nail on the head, you're very defensive op. Possibly because you know what Comtesse said was true. Absolutely do not bring it up again, and try guilt him out of people he has had a long term friendship with. You've been seeing each other a few months, you can't waltz on the scene and dictate what he does.

WimpoleHat · 05/07/2021 08:11

I would find it extraordinary that a new girlfriend or boyfriend of a few months would think someone should be retiring their longterm friendships because it’s ‘disrespectful’ now they’re in a relationship.

Completely agree. One of my friends is 50; I’ve known him for 30 years. If we wanted to shag, we would have done. Bizarre to think that I’d chuck that friendship because I had a new boyfriend (and vice versa for him).

seensome · 05/07/2021 08:34

I think yanbu to feel like this, that's your choice but it's stay or go decision. I had an opportunity to start dating a guy that had lots of female friends but decided I wasn't comfortable with it, when he asked if we could be friends I said yes but he soon started wanting more, I dropped him completely. Just had a bad feeling about it.

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