How do get over someone you love

[Rosewaterblossom]

Hello,

I split with my partner of 5 years last week. To be honest it had a toxic pattern for a good while, lots of arguing, ghosting from him, me running to make it good, a few days later us falling out. Sounds awful but it wasn't all bad all the time.
We never lived together, I have dc whom I share 50/50 with their dad and we co parent well. He has dc and has them every other weekend due to the logistics of where they live and doesn't have a good coparenting relationship, even after them being split for 8 years.

I'm heartbroken. I really thought I'd found "the one," my guy. I have days where I'm fine and get on OK then I have days where I just cry, and cry, and cry. I still love him so so much but I have the people around me saying no do not contact him, mainly due to the ghosting he does and the way he's treated me over time but I feel such a loss.
He comes across as "mr nice guy" to everyone and is mainly seen as a lovely person. To me he was like a different person where he only showed that side to me, the nasty side.

I have no interest in any men, and quite rightly at this stage, but I just cannot, and don't want to see myself with anyone again. He really was "the one" for me as I'd never felt that way about anyone before, not even my ex dh. I just don't want to want to be like my mum, who split with my father in the 80s and has been on her own since and gets lonely.
What a messed up situation eh..
I'm posting here because I feel sorry for my friend and sister who have to hear me going on all the time like a broken record. I know they say they don't mind but I don't want to be a burden.

I feel like I will never move past this. I saw a pic of us this afternoon and it flawed me but I'm not ready to delete anything yet or go through my (physical)photo albums and remove the pictures.
We have to self isolate this week due to being in contact with a positive person so I can't even change the scenery and not think about it.
Sorry for the rant but I'm feel so so low.

It’s only been a week. It will feel different in a month, and different again in a year. You just need more time. As you say, it’s entirely normal not to have any interest in other men a week after a five year serious relationship ends. That will change.

I would focus on keeping busy and distracted where you can. Listen to music, get out in the garden if you have one, online exercise classes, try out new recipes, watch a new tv series…

I’m in the same boat expect we lived together, it was a really toxic relationship but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them ❤️
You will get through it and feel better, the storm will pass even though it doesn’t currently feel like it

Use you’re time to focus on things you want to do and the rest will fall into place xx

Thank you for replying. I just don't know how to get over this. I've had 3 long term relationships in my life, the first one "first love," very teenage young love for a few years which naturally fizzled out as we got older. Second 2nd was married, 10 years, 2 kids etc. I felt relieved when we split. This time, I'm floored and have never felt real heartache like it before..

He was not 'the one' for you - and the way he behaves is proof of that.

I dare say he treated the mother of his kids the same way, which would explain why they still don't get on, despite having to co-parent.

@dodobookends I dare say I think you might be right.

But he's not "the one". To be brutally honest, if he was then you'd have lived together at some point. Five years and not sharing a home suggests a real lack of commitment to the relationship from one or both of you.

Write a list of all his negative qualities and stop looking at him with rose tinted spectacles. Just from what you've said he sounds immature, he ghosts, he quarrelled, he was nasty, etc.

Nobody's dream bloke!

He kept saying I was abusive and he's sick of "my abuse." I don't think I'm abusive.

He kept saying I was abusive and he's sick of "my abuse." I don't think I'm abusive, I have argued back to him which he then says I'm being nasty to him.

It sounds like he is trying to gaslight you. I think you have had a lucky escape. Try and fill your time with hobbies, family and friends.

Personally I got over exh by getting under a 3 month fling!!

No regrets.
Gave me a confidence boost and I met now dh soon after!! Married 6 years today!

He he as temping as that sounds(!) that would do more damage than good as I suffer depression. My mind is very on the edge on at the moment.

Your depression is not going to improve while you stay with him.

I'm up and down like a bloody yoyo. I feel OK one minute then crying the next!

I'm in a very similar position rosewaterblossom. Message me if you think it will help

Another thread just made me think of another thing.. if we ate out he'd always find a problem with the meal to get a free drink or a discount. It was mortifing! Why did I put up with it?

Time and the right person.

I was devastated by an absolute arsehole at 23. I wanted to die.

I met my now husband of 32 years a year later. Sparks flew within seconds and I learned what love was. The former was infatuation and lust: very different 😁

Look when thjngs end we don't want to start thinking awful things of a person we still 'love' as that would reflect poorly on us and our judgement but the fact is, if you were right together you wouldn't have split so no, he's not your one and you're not his and that's fine. Someone else will fit you perfectly, as they will him. Move on freely, when you're ready to, just as you did when you met him.

You sound trauma bonded and a toxic relationship does take longer to recover from. There is no closure just bewilderment as to why it ended. It sounds like you were in the devalue stage (idealise, devalue & discard)

He is probadly an expert victim and they are always the nice guy to outsiders. Calling you abusive is projection.

Read a few books on emotional abuse and you'll have a better understanding as to why you feel so low.

Overtime the fog will clear you will see his behaviour for what it was and yu'll realise that you loved who you thought he was rather than the person he is.

You may have been

You must listen when I say this. It will take a lot of time. Being with someone that long is like taking a constant drug. You have to learn to live without it/him again. You will cry and cry and cry and cry. You will lie in bed and cry, you will be driving and start to cry. You'll be walking down the street and be holding back the tears but I promise you this ... You will be okay. You have 1 life. Live it! Find a new hobby. Go out when lockdown has lifted. But most importantly go out and buy a nice nail varnish and a good tasty wine, put a face mask on and start a Netflix series. Self care and self worth is the way out of this one. The father of my two children left for someone 12 years older the day before my birthday a year ago. I felt suicidal, like I couldn't go on. I didn't sleep, lost 2 stone, was being sick all the time, wrote suicide notes even wrote my will for my children because I was absolutely heart broken. It was like my heart had been ripped out. You will get through this! I promise you. Sending love and hugs your way X

You aren't in love with him, you are in love with who you thought he was.

It takes a while after a long term relationship, but you'll get there.

Block him on your phone and social media. Work on living your life well.