'You don't do anything'

[Undermyunbrella]

Are the words thats just come out of my daughters mouth. Shes 11.

Bit of a basic back story, single mum to 3 kids 2 different dads. Both are paying half what they should be paying CM wise (better than most I suppose) I work part time and get universal credit.

They all go to clubs, swimming, football ect. But We dont really go for days out, our weekends (when they are not at their dads) consist of me doing house chores that ive not managed to do through the week and taking my LB to his football session. The 11 year old plays out with her friends and the other would just rather play xbox. Whilst my youngest would play with toys for 10 mins then destroy anything he can get his hands on whilst im washing up or whatever.

I just never seem to have the money to do anything with them. On paper I do. My outgoings are less than everything I got coming in by about £200 but I never seem to have that spare in my account and I dont know why. Ive gone through my spending multiple times and ive not spent anything other than what I should be, bills, groceries petrol ect.

So, no...we 'never do anything' but I dont know whether to feel guilty or unappreciated by what she said.

So never gone to the zoo, cinema, or a theme park? Ever?

Been the zoo a few times, days out to the beach, couple of holidays to cornwall. Not been the cinema in years with them, just the once i think. Been to gullivers world. But these days out a very few and far between.

This is tough, you’re trying your best and have a lot on.

But, doing things doesn’t have to cost loads of money, can you go out to a local big park, depending on where you live the beach, a picnic, a family bike ride?

Agree with PP, it's not about the expense, but just doing those little fun outings like picnics or a walk, something fun that's extra effort and excitement than the day to day. You can even do the cinema cheaply if you take your own snacks and get a good deal on discount tickets.

We don’t tend to do big days out at the weekend either OP.

We do go to the park, take the kids roller skating or bike riding, play games with them. They play with neighbours kids or we might have friends over. They have their clubs. There’s also a fair amount of them playing by themselves while we get stuff done.

What does your DD think you should be doing? Does she want big days out or maybe she’d be happy doing some more stuff at home with you?

We have started to do more things like that on a weekend..to be honest, I really struggle to get the motivation to do anything, I have 2 boys and they are a handful. And then I get the ' we never do anyrhing' line, just feel like whats the point

Big days out are few and far between here too as although we can afford it, Im not paying hundreds of pounds to go to theme parks etc on a regular basis!

Like others have said, cheap things can be great. I love taking mine to the beach, cheap day out.

to be honest, I really struggle to get the motivation to do anything

If motivation to go out is an issue, do you think you could be depressed?

Loads of stuff is free/cheap - treasure hunt, picnic, cook or bake with her, movie night.

Ask her to make a list of things she’d like to do with you, alone and as a family, and you can put them in a jar and pull them out. You and the boys can join in too.

I used to spend a lot of my weekends waiting for parents to ferry around younger siblings to their activities, and it didn’t really make me feel that important in the family.

Ah that seems tough OP. Try not to let it get you down though, she will know how hard you worked when she’s older. Do you go out for picnics, play ball/catch in the park or bike rides? This year has been harder without access to museums and galleries. Perhaps you could go to a museum if you’re close enough to one.

When I try to 'play'with them or do something at hone with them they get bored quickly, and my pre schooler looses interest. Its hard to find something for us all to enjoy together at home

Please don't beat yourself up.Your 11 year is being abit rude tbh.At her age she should have friends locally she could hang out with.

From what you say your bills are paid,the kids are fed and you take them to extra curricular activities.You do all of this alone whilst working PT and manage the household.

Well done for keeping it quiet about her dad not paying what's owed.Maybe one day she'll understand but she's abit young at the moment.

Do the DC's dads not have them regularly eg EOW?

Have you been to CMS?

Thank you for all you advice so far. I have suffered with depression in the past yes, Im trying my best to try and not get thar way again....Ive recently parted from my youngest father and though im happier in that sense, I think entertaining the three on my own is taking its toll. I have no family around me, parents passed away a few years ago. My children have their family on their fathers side which im thankful for, they only see them now and again though

Yes all 3 of them go to their dads EOW (inbetween the last minute 'cant do this weekend' texts)
Im with cms yes, neither of them are paying what my kids are entitled to but thats an ongoing battle

Could you maybe look into an annual pass for a local theme park/attraction? We pool any birthday/Xmas money when family ask what to get the kids and we buy an annual pass. That way we can pack up and just go whatever weekend or school holiday day that we like. The kids love it, and so do we and we most certainly get our money's worth with the passes that we get. It also means more memories and less toy tatt that gets shoved in a box after 5 days.

I think entertaining the three on my own is taking its toll.

OP, it's not your job to provide constant entertainment for your children. Give them the means to entertain themselves - books, games, craft materials and so on - and leave them to it. Learning to occupy and entertain themselves is a vital skill for children to acquire.

Also, your 11 yo is more than old enough to know that there are jobs such as shopping, washing, housework etc which have to be done for the benefit of the whole family, and you can't just leave them to go on days out.

Can you get someone to go through your finances with you? It would be useful to identify where that £200 is going, not necessarily to spend it on days out, but so that you can build up some savings.

Just wanted to say hats off to you OP you are doing more for your kids than lots of folk. Don't take her words to heart, 11 and beyond are difficult years x

Has she just come back from her dads? Sounds like the sort of thing she may have heard from him -

“Dad can we do xyz”
“Why can’t your mum do it with you, she never does anything” etc

I wouldn’t take it to heart - you’re doing your best. If she’s that bored she needs to make her own entertainment. She’s old enough to arrange a friend to come round after school or ask you to drop her to the park etc

My daughter plays out with her friends all the time...tonight I said for her to be back for 7 so we can get her showered and ready for school tomorrow and thats when she said what she did.

She hasent been here dads for a few weeks, he cancelled his weekend and havent heard from him since....this us a normal occurrence. Her dad does nothing at all with them, he doesnt even take them the park. They spend alot of their time on screens when at dads...

Maybe she means that you don’t seem to have time for hobbies or to enjoy yourself? It might be coming from a good place, after all people need balance in their lives and it sounds like you have a lot on. Don’t take it to heart, she’s probably not quite aware how much you have on your plate.

It certainly didnt sound as though it was for me to have hobbies! But boy she would be right there! I mean, Hobbies?? What are those