Parents negative attitudes

[NatMoz]

I don't know how best to title this thread but my parents have always told me I'm doing too much.

It's almost a running joke between my husband and me because it doesn't matter what I'm doing it's always too much.

It could be

Two days walking in a row.
Weekend camping straight after work.
Having 2 separate social gatherings in the same weekend (seeing friends for lunch on Saturday and visiting a friend for BBQ on Sunday).

The most recent one is us coming back from a week's holiday yesterday but due to having to rearrange plans, moving a weekend camping trip from 2 weekends away to next weekend due to a clash.

I am 4 months pregnant. I'm absolutely fine and have not slowed down. This would be my first baby. My parents have warned me for years that my life will be over and my dad basically rang me up earlier to say 'well I think you're doing too much but you never listen anyway, I suppose you may as well do it now because once baby comes you'll be doing nothing at all. Say goodbye to your lifestyle'.

Whilst I do acknowledge that things will be different when I have a baby and maybe I won't be able to go camping as often/do things on a whim, I do feel hurt that my parents constantly make comments like these pretty much all the time in an antagonising way to cause a reaction.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but my father in law has never been negative in this way, he keeps reminding us how our life is just beginning!. I never know what to say back to them. I've asked them instead of being constantly negative and pointing out the 'bad things' wouldn't it be so much better to talk about solutions and positive ways of how we can make changes to our lives. They usually respond with 'our job is to be frank and honest'

I think I just want to rant as I hate their negative 'life is over' attitude but as a first time mum of the future I can't say I have the experience of proving anything different.

I wonder if other new mums have experienced this and what they did to stop feeling down about the negativity and how true the reality of my parents words are.

My perspective on life has always been very different to my parents (grab every opportunity, see and do as much as possible, enjoy life to the full and not play things safe). They like the risk free approach.

Your problem is you because you share far too much with them. You are giving them the ammunition to keep being negative about your lifestyle when you know who they are and how they will respond.

You will never change them so you need to change how you interact with them.

Dear lord, I was thinking we have weekends with two commitments fairly often and sometimes it's a bit full on... For the toddler!!! Then I read that you don't even have kids yet!!! Enjoy your lifestyle! Yes, your life changes beyond what you could ever have imagined when you have children but so what?? Why would you start taking it easy now when you don't want to? Have to say that camping at 4 months pregnant would have been my worst nightmare, but there's no reason why you shouldn't do it! Unless you're constantly complaining about feeling tired, I don't see what their issue is. Could they be jealous of your lifestyle and/ or regretting not doing the same when they were your age? I would try to think of a stock reply like "It's not too much for me and I enjoy being busy." If they keep at it, "Why do you always seem to criticise my lifestyle?"

@Aquamarine1029 that's interesting and probably true. Maybe I do overshare which could be my downfall, I just get so excited about making plans no matter how small.

I appreciate I am not them. They like the simple life and only enjoy familiarity. My biggest concern is how true it is that my life is over after a child. I only plan on having one but acknowledge that things like camping/weekends away will be harder. I'm not concerned about seeing friends as I know my husband will help look after baby without me where necessary and vice versa.

I just feel hurt and down about it!!!

@Notthissticky haha thanks for the encouragement! I also went camping at the beginning of June which included climbing mountains in the Lake District with no issues so this time will be a breeze.

I'm not tired and have not suffered during pregnancy much. Any sickness has been controlled.

I don't know if they are jealous, more that they don't understand my choices. It's always easier to do nothing

Some people are negative Nancies and your parents sound like they are those people. It could be fuelled by anxiety, or maybe they were brought up to think that fun was for young, single people and parents had to be "grown up" and boring. My mum is very similar and I think with her it's a lot of anxiety and catastrophic thinking.

I agree with pp who said you have to change how you interact with them. If I told my mom even half of what i got up to she would go on and on about it so it's easier to say less. Is there a reason you tell them so much?

@TheBeesKnee I think it's old habits I suppose. Maybe I should refrain from discussing things.

It's funny because my father in law is of the exact opposite perspective and sees nothing wrong with our lifestyle as it is probably very similar to how he has lived

I can assure you, your lift is not over with one child! We still did LOADS when we were a single-child family. We’d host brunch and a Bible study every Saturday morning, we’d go out for dinner at proper restaurants at least every other week, we would travel to visit my grandmother in another city (by plane) at the drop of a hat… we even did a transatlantic holiday (although at that point I was first trimester with my second and had horrible morning sickness… THAT might have been overdoing it!). Now with three kids under 4 plus Pandemic, life has far fewer adventures. But I see this as a temporary stare of affairs! My parents had 3 kids and once the youngest was three years old they (and we all!) were back to a pretty eventful and fun life. Your dad is definitely being weird about this.

That's hard to listen to all the time OP, I'd have to agree with @Aquamarine1029 and say to stop sharing as much as you already know what they're going to say!

Our lives changed hugely with the arrival of my first baby, but he was very high needs (diagnosed with ASD + ADHD now) so it wasn't a regular situation. Now he's 8, and my second is 3.5, we do far more. This weekend DH has been out to the pub with his friends, he took DS1 out for lunch and a bit of special interest shopping, I took DS2 for a birthday party and a visit to my sister, and today we've been for a pub lunch and a walk. I'm so tired now but it's so nice being busy after the dull-as-dishwater pandemic months.

People vary. What is “far too much” for one person is a relatively easy day for another. Sounds like your parents are pretty low energy types and you are the opposite. So what they find hard or “too much” will not be the same for you, with or without a child. Added to which - children vary! My older DC is like the Duracell bunny, while my little one gets a lot tireder. So you adapt to the child you have.

But, honestly - if your parents are getting you down with their comments, stop talking to them about what you’re doing. Or just stick to generic “oh, been out and about” type comments. You don’t need their approval; you can decide what’s best. This will be even more applicable when the baby is here!

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words.

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers thank you for your perspective on things, it's just so refreshing to hear that life goes on!

Ahh don't worry. Some people are just like that. I have a 3 yo and still go weekends away (more glamping than camping but be more us than our son), had about 18 flights in his 1st year... Including transatlantic (have reduced due to covid)... Would go weekends away etc. The vast majority of weekends we do at least 2 things (brunch, bbq, visiting friends, housing friends, platdates etc.). Life changes but not that much! Though if you listen to my dh family you have to stop everything! We just ignore and do things anyway and often just tell them when we are somewherr

I have two boys aged 8 and 10. Before they came along we had a really busy social life, loads of adventures and holidays. I said nothing would change when they were born but it did 😬. Ds1 didn’t sleep through the night (or much at all) for three years, ds2 was more chilled but had them close together so was exhausted for quite some years 😀. However we did still do stuff and go on fun holidays with them, take them camping, have friends over etc (I just went to bed earlier). We’ve been all over the place with them since they were tiny (even skiing holiday when ds1 was 9 months old) and now they are older we have a great time with them again, surfing, kayaking, climbing, camping, theme parks, holidays. If anything I think I do more than I would have done at this age than if I hadn’t had them I think. They keep me adventurous 😀.
So I guess I’d say prepare for the possibility that your life might change, it but view it as a short term break to your adventures maybe so you don’t get too depressed if it does.

Hope that makes sense

Oh and my parents travelled Europe in a self built campervan with three children under 3! Can’t quite work out how they did that 😀

I read something the other day that I found very interesting: we want our parents to accept us as we are but we don’t want to accept them as they are. I think it’s true for a lot of us. Maybe try accepting them as they are - risk averse, negative and so on (as well as their good points) and just continue as you are and make the most of your own life. Perhaps that will take the sting out of how you feel about them.

I was told I’d have no chance at keeping my job if I had children (I travel at least two weeks a month to challenging places, some high risk, work days can be 4am to 11pm or days non stop without notice). I still have, love and thrive at my job. Parenting is what you make it: we have well travelled, trilingual and above all kind, happy children. All the naysayers go away eventually, don’t waste your life worrying about them - that’s a commitment you can and should turn away

Children will change your life but they won't stop you doing everything! Both my DC had been to three continents before the age of one, and we walked a section of the Great Wall of China with DS in a backpack when he was less than 18 months. Camping with small children was never my idea of fun, but you won't know until you try it.

Ignore your parents, and I would second the advice of an earlier poster to just tell them less. My mother worries and catastrophises about everything, so I have learned just to tell her after I (or my DCs) have done things, not before.

I took my daughter camping when she was a matter of weeks old. I bathed her in a washing up bowl in water heated up on the camping stove in the sunshine in front of the tent.

Prior to that I pitched a (2 man) tent on my own at 7 months pregnant.

Carry on doing you and stick a metaphorical 2 fingers up at the olds!

Ahh this is just going to be your next big adventure. Life changes but gets no less exciting!