Machiavellian

[Wannabehappy1]

What would you do if your family of origin and your significant other were all Machiavellian types? I have had lots of betrayal and dirty tricks played on me. I look at families with genuine love for each other and it’s making think what is the point to any of this.

I have just got off the phone to what I can only describe as typical tactics like triangulation and working to an agenda. I was called a “cunt “ too because he suspected I doubted him.

If somebody has no one they can trust in life and nobody they can turn to, what do you think happens to them mentally?

I am really struggling and I don’t know what to do or how to explain any of this. I have always been a fighter, but I am feeling hopeless.

First of all I'd get rid of the partner and then I'd probably cut myself off from the others and make some new friends I could trust.

Cut them out and get therapy so you can sever all bonds and lose the guilt.

The constant analysis will drive you mad. A lot of people are just arseholes, don't give them headspace.

If somebody has no one they can trust in life and nobody they can turn to

Then go to the professionals. Women's Aid to help with your partner's abuse and they will be able to guide you from there. Speak to your GP. Speak to us

If somebody has no one they can trust in life and nobody they can turn to, what do you think happens to them mentally?

Having these sorts of people in your life is actually worse for your mental health than having no one. I speak from experience.

They also are taking up space in your life which when freed up might put you in situations where you meet other, better friends etc.

And yes, you can turn to services and groups. I made a good friend through a support group- this can happen even if the group is viia Zoom, and you might end up meeting them IRL for coffee, food etc.

If a person or people is harming you emotionally or physically you should absolutely cut them out of your life and feel no guilt for doing so.

I'd do whatever I could to distance myself from them OP. I was in exactly the same situation, and now don't speak to my family of origin at all as they are really nasty people. I'm the family scapegoat, so you're not alone there.

I kept getting into relationships with nasty, selfish, sadistic types who were just like my family so I stopped having relationships as I thought that being alone was better than being involved with abusers.

I do not know how I will manage financially without my DP. Plus I have waited to leave when DC is done with school.

My father was the one who just called me a cunt. He is up to something but I can’t work out the game. It has something to do with getting money though that’s for sure. I was estranged to him for years until I was ill in hospital. I wish he wasn’t informed, as he hasn’t changed.

I tried volunteering to meet people but had no luck. I met a really nice woman at my old job and she seemed keen to want to meet up, but has not replied to my latest text. She has a lot to deal with so it’s probably not personal. It’s a shame as It is hard to meet people as you get older.

I crave kindness. Nobody gives a shit about me other than my DC. Some people enjoy breaking others down in the cruelest of ways.

username18702

Yes I have had different flavours of the same thing. I suppose when you grow up like that you just don’t have a clue what is normal or bad treatment.

DP walked in on me crying (I was crying about not knowing how to solve this), he just walked out. He doesn’t give a fuck. I don’t know why I keep being shocked or hurt by anything. It’s ridiculous really.

@Wannabehappy1

username18702

Yes I have had different flavours of the same thing. I suppose when you grow up like that you just don’t have a clue what is normal or bad treatment.

DP walked in on me crying (I was crying about not knowing how to solve this), he just walked out. He doesn’t give a fuck. I don’t know why I keep being shocked or hurt by anything. It’s ridiculous really.

It's because my tolerance for abusive behaviour is very high. I was brought up in a highly abusive household so it's what I'm used to.

OP here is what I suggest:

1. Start by going no contact with your dad. Calling you a cunt is unforgiveable, he hasn't changed, he's not going to change so give up the ghost.

1. Seek out therapy for support. You're going to need it as you try to navigate this.

1. Give up hope of your family ever changing. They are not going to suddenly have an epiphany and change into the Waltons. Sometimes hope is your worst enemy. It's hard but you have to accept reality.

1. Read up on scapegoating and toxic family dynamics. Try Toxic Families by Susan Forward. Also check out Pete Walker also try Co Dependence for Dummies which has lots of good stuff on boundaries.

1. Try to emotionally disengage from your husband. This means that you get to a point where his behaviour doesn't bother you. You sound very enmeshed in the family dynamics and the goal here is to get to a point where their behaviour doesn't bother you.

1. OP the situation isn't going to change. Stop expecting it to and start working on protecting yourself from them. Machiavellian types need someone to work on. Stop making yourself a target. Keep your distance and work on boundaries and protecting yourself from them.

username18702

Yes I agree with everything you have said. I gave up hope years ago.

I fantasise about running away. I have sacrificed a lot for my DS stability and happiness. I don’t have much longer to go, so I don’t want to disrupt him at the most crucial time, as I would have wasted all these years.

My father is the type to crawl in and find out things about your life and then do things to ruin you. For example calling your work or social services (he did that to a friend of his and my brother’s wife’s mother) He even tried to get me to make phone calls to a husband saying his wife was having an affair. He has done other things that I had better not mention on here. Women or men it’s all fair game to him. He threatened to come and beat me to death with a baseball bat once. One time he was insulting me in the phone and I politely stood up for myself and he came round and hit me. This is as a young adult. These days he is more psychologically cunning.

Hence, I am very frightened of him. He knows if you’re trying to distance yourself. He is very cunning and sees through excuses. I need to extricate myself without him noticing.