Husband’s 18 year old niece attacked by her mother

[Changingnames20]

I’m not sure which boards to put this in. My husband’s niece, 18, had a big argument with her mother where she (the mother) grabbed her, pulled lots of her hair out and had to be pulled off by her younger and older brothers. The girl left the house in a state and went to his mother’s and sister’s house where she’s been staying for the last few days.

The mother has ongoing mental health problems. (Not sure what, maybe serious depression). It happened after the mother had gone to the pub drinking and came back home.

What should the advice be to do?

My husband has very little contact with his brother, and so doesn’t really know the family that well. His sister and mum have had a lot of contact over the years with the kids. They’ve taken care of the kids when the mother has been ‘mentally unwell’ as they put it. I suspect there may be a drinking problem with both parents, however I have no real evidence.

My MIL and SIL seem to be minimising this in my view and I’m very worried. MIL went to talk to the mother - who said that it wasn’t as bad as the daughter attacked made out - and that the daughter had said ‘terrible things’ to her mother. SIL also minimising it, is sympathetic to the daughter but doesn’t want to ‘be the one that let out what happened’ so is kind of cross that her Mum told DH who she feels doesn’t have a say as he’s not had much to do with them.

DH asked my advice and I said that I think this needs to be told to social services and perhaps even the police. I don’t think it’s for ‘the family’ esp SIL to sort out as they will not do anything. The girl is now effectively homeless so I’ve also said of course she is welcome here. DH is trying to convince the family to do something but they won’t.

The police will be the right course of action. It’s an assault - actually bodily harm.
The poor girl.

I've come across this before (sorry, can't mention the source because of confidentiality). It was physical abuse of a mother by her daughter, but the relationships are irrelevant. Abuse is abuse, within the family or not. The police dealt with it very well, sensitively.

Or 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Thanks for confirming this.

I don’t think that the girl will want to report it to the police or anyone. The SIL doesn’t want to ‘be the one that reports it’.

Can DH report it himself? And then if the girl refuses to speak to them - what then? I’m concerned as this is within the home - in front of younger kids. Isn’t it a safeguarding issue also?

The police should respond to any report of assault, no matter who reports it but who knows about it.

As you say, there's a wider safeguarding issue for others in the household too.

There could be anything going on OP but it sounds like binge drinking and rages at the very least. The reason the family are minimising it is because they're obviously used to managing it. When you're used to drunken rages, they aren't as shocking as they are to outsiders.

Ripping out someone's hair is disgusting. I wouldn't have any compunction about protecting the other children by contacting social services and by making a report to the police. I would do that every single time I heard anything. I wonder if the 18 year old is still there in order to provide stability and protect the younger ones.

As others have said - it's assault. The daughter needs to report it to the police, and take their advice. The law changed a few years ago, so that if they deem it as domestic abuse, the police will take the choice to press charges against the mother out of the daughter's hands. Social services will also be informed and involved if there are under-16s in the home... especially if they were witness to the assault/abuse.

Downplaying what happened won't help anyone. I speak from experience, sadly, as my daughter assaulted me and left me for dead a few years ago - the police couldn't have been better about it, actually pushing for her to have a MH assessment which led to a diagnosis/ongoing treatment. I didn't press charges, because... actually my parents made it difficult for me to do so, and I knew that my daughter was mentally ill at the time, so hoped that things would get better with time (they didn't!). In hindsight, I know I ought to have, though.

If your husband's niece was an innocent victim, then she has nothing to fear by going to the police and reporting the assault upon her. By doing so, she may just protect the next target (ie, a younger child) of her mother's rage. Listening to your MIL and SIL who are downplaying a physical assault upon a young woman, seemingly for no reason, however, won't help anyone. At all.

If you or your husband are truly concerned, though (and I'm not saying that you aren't), you can report it to the police yourselves. I reported my daughter's rape, although I wasn't there and it was a while afterwards (when she broke down and told me because she thought she was pregnant). The police, again, were fantastic. Whatever happens, though, you know this isn't right - and someone needs to step in for all of those children, both the under- and over-18s.

Thank you @Danceswithwhippets and @username18702 my feelings exactly.
I’m so sorry @contrary13 what a tough situation you’ve been in, I hope that there is some stability for you and your daughter now.

DH is going to contact social services. He hasn’t done it yet - I think the sooner the better and have urged him but I get the feeling I’m now being slowly ‘shut out’ of discussions. His SIL does not like me and would hate it if I knew.

She has been getting angry with DH as he hasn’t had much to do with his brother in some years, and feels like she has been the only one. Yet I think she is a barrier to the kids themselves getting officials involved - she feels that she will ‘get into trouble’ for the daughter telling her. But DH went around and said the oldest son is quite prepared to go the police - he was there at the incident and tried to call them but his father stopped him. SIL had a go at DH for ‘doing something now that might get into trouble’ but luckily DH said he can see that it is absolutely necessary.

He also heard about other incidents with the younger kids which made me feel sick to my core. I feel that this is high alert. Honestly if DH does not call anyone in the next couple of days I am going to call the police and social services myself.