Posting on here because I'm looking forward insightful / empathetic responses and support as I'm lonely. I don't want to be labelled as PFB - which I think is really unkind and also incredibly unhelpful. So I guess this is about my relationship with my baby and with myself in some ways.
When did you (mums) feel able / fully ready to have your child looked after by someone else? Eg nursery / nanny / childminder?
I'm in a strange position in that my work has fizzled out due to Covid, so I've taken an extra 6 months leave. Very fortunate that we can (just about) afford it but don't really have much choice either. Run my own business and will need to invest some unpaid time in building business back at some stage. But I also feel like I'm claiming my maternity leave back - having had all of my actual maternity leave in lockdowns. Baby dd is now just 1yo.
I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed looking after her as DH works long hours and we don't have any other support, eg family. I love my DH so much but we desperately need time together to connect, and also we haven't had sex for months and we've been both feeling stressed. I also need time for myself - probably first and foremost actually.
I've looked into nursery but just didn't feel comfortable. I've had some people say I just need to bite the bullet and get her into a nursery part-time to give me some time off and also time in my business. I've had others say no way, 12 months is still a baby and you don't have to have childcare so don't feel you need to. Other friends were SAHP until their DC were 3 and seemed to really enjoy those early years. My friends who I met on the postnatal ward have all put their babies in nursery and tell me about how they've cried non-stop for weeks, scream when they leave everyday and one has stopped eating. As I am not in a position where I have to put her in nursery, I just feel in my gut this is not the right time for her.
I'm not enjoying the drudgery and feeling shattered all the time. Baby groups haven't been available and now I just started going they weren't very good for the mums as it's all social distancing, masks and no chit chat.
I only have one friend with a baby as I'm older and my friends have all done it a decade ago. So my days are looking after my mobile baby and cleaning etc. (I know this is the norm by the way)! But it comes as a shock, or at least it did to me as someone running my own business and then having a baby at 40.
I can't find time to keep fit like I used to. Used to run everyday, cycle and do half marathons, and go outdoor swimming. I'm now feeling old and tired and desperately want to find time to exercise. My body feels broken.
Buuuuut... whenever I look into nurseries it just feels wrong. I can't explain it but I get a massive pang in my heart. She feels too young and I don't feel ready! I well up and I feel like I should listen to my gut.
I looked into a part-time nanny site and interviewed 4 nannies but they didn't feel right. No clue about nutrition, no imaginative ideas about what activities they'd do. Two were just wrong, one was ok but I just felt sad and like I was doing the wrong think placing my child in her care. She seemed like she was just babysitting with no passion or love for the job, and no affection for my child. I feel like I'm the best person to care for my little girl. Is this normal? Again, please don't label me as a PFB Mum. It's hard enough without derogatory insults.
On the one hand I'm yearning for some time for myself, for my marriage and for my work - and these things are important. On the other hand I'm desperately sad and uncomfortable about a nursery and can't seem to find anyone I trust apart from my husband to look after my dd. I know this makes no sense!
So without grandparents around, what can I do to get a tiny bit of respite, exercise time, or work thinking time? Is there a solution out there? Do other mums feel this way about childcare?