Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The games never stop with a narcissist

25 replies

Hopefortomorrow3 · 04/07/2021 09:33

Well I presume he's one. We can't actually diagnose someone but it seems pretty obvious. The way at first I was incredible and the best thing to have happened to him in his 45+ years on this earth. At first I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. To find someone who really appreciated me and couldn't get enough. But then the cracks started to show.

Several other women.
Put downs.
Claiming I was always confusing him.
Lies and stories changing.
Mood swings.
Wreckless behaviour.
Bad attitude.

It was quite scary when I walked away. It was literally like everything he had ever said needed to be turned around and that was then the truth. The literal opposite.

This guy was so twisted he would send me things like "id never cheat because my dad cheated on my mum and I would never ever want to be like him"
"Men at work speak so terribly about women they are dating"
"I'd never use dating apps. Women are worse than men"

This was the man on dating apps. Messaging loads of women and who had cheated on his ex and lost her.

He was even more twisted that he does the same things for different women. So he wanted me to buy things that his ex had. Or drink wine like she did. I found out he sent the same memes and songs to me and another woman. He always wanted to take me out to the exact same zoos, countries and restaurants he took his ex. His ex loved steak night with him at a local restaurant. So he asked me very early on if I like steak. She liked wine with her Sunday lunch. So he asked me if I liked wine with Sunday dinner.

He messed me up so it took a few months and quite alot of tears and coffee with friends to fully see what was happening. he was using his mental health as am excuse to get away with things and watering down stories so he was victim.

In the end I saw red. I went to a cousin of his. I asked her some questions and she confirmed he was horrible to women. She said she loved him as he's family. But he needs to sort himself out. She said even she had backed off abit from him as he wont listen to her advice. I then spoke to a woman who had a brief fling with him. She confirmed he had wrecked her life and was a liar too.
Finally I contacted another woman who I was suspicious off.she confirmed they had been meeting up for sex. He found out straight away that I had messaged her and so he called me. Started yelling. I hung up and messaged him why I was finished with him. I'd pieced it all together. I blocked him on Facebook and messenger. He blocked my phone number when we had a row smd claimed he could t unblock it.
The lady he was sleeping with was mortified. Expressed concern about if he was clean sexually. Told me he was not good enough to her and she'd never have a realtionship with him as he's an ex drinker. She told me she had an 11 year old and she would not want him in her child's life. She then said his house was mucky and she had to clean it before she slept over.

It's been a month. All was peaceful. Then my friend told me she had seen he was writing on this woman's pictures still. So she decided to stick with being his friend despite me telling her he was triangulating us with many others.

It annoys me so much that he just keeps getting away with his horrible ways.

Anyway last night I popped on wattsapp to message my friend. I have never used it to communicate with him apart from once he sent me a link on there months ago. He blocked me on there when I ended it. Last night his pictures back. So at some point yesterday he thought he would randomly unblock me on there. not that he can see anything about me on there.

But I'm just in disbelief. After everything he still can't quite leave me alone completely. He knows how much he hurt me. he knows exactly what I think of him.he knows I rumbled him big time. He did not like that I contacted people to find things out. He doesn't know about his cousin though. Just the two women.

These men really never stop with their twisted games do they?

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 04/07/2021 09:45

No they never stop. What a horrible man, you are so well rid of him.
Don’t waste a second longer giving this man a moment of your thoughts.

Hopefortomorrow3 · 04/07/2021 09:48

Trying my best. I feel over him now. Nothing would ever happen again I don't like him. I am struggling with what he does though and still don't feel totally over what he's done and will carry on doing. So many women fall for his lies over and over.
Hopefully he won't start sending messages on there. But I'll block him straight away. I've not blocked him as I don't want to even feed his hobby by letting him know I've noticed him.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 09:55

I think theres almost a loss of innocence when you've dated a narcissist. It's like your eyes have been opened to how horrible some people can truly be. And its difficult to understand because they are so completely abhorrent. And so different from us.

You can go back and insecure things. And you begin to wonder as to this darkness. Why didnt you see it sooner? Why dont other people see it? How much more of these people are around, going un noticed.

You cant get your innocence back. But nor are you ignorant any longer. That's the trade off. You cant unsee it all but at least now you can watch out for more of his kind coming.

Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 09:56

*you can go back and insecure things (I dunno what this was meant to be lol)

Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 09:58

Ah! It was - you cant go back and unsee things!

Hopefortomorrow3 · 04/07/2021 10:38

It's something I never knew existed. It's a horrible type to meet isn't it. They hide it so well.
He never apologises. He never acts like he cares or feels shame. He never stops. He just keeps going. Punishes people. Comes back expecting open arms.
I hope I can get over it properly soon. I just hate to hear or see him flirting or messaging others. He doesn't deserve anyone. He is horrible and should be getting help for his messed up behaviour.
I feel for anyone who's experienced this.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 11:33

They're horrible but if you talk to anybody who's had experience with one, they are all disturbingly similar in their behaviours. He's not doing anything unusual for a narcissist. And no, he's unlikely to stop, and yes, the reason he does it is because he know how much he hurt you, rather than despite how much he hurt you.

What he deserves, whether he should be getting help, what he's doing with other people... these are all things you need to distance yourself from, avoid thinking about, block, etc.

Whilst you are not over it, you are still allowing him to abuse you, remotely. You're still under his control. Every time you catch yourself thinking of him, actively think of something else. Fill your time with things that keep your mind busy. Thinking patterns are habitual. You will be constantly 'telling the story' in your head at the moment. Stop telling the story. Writing it down can help. One final telling, expressing all your pissed-off-ness and shock, with capital letters and red pen and underlining. And then shred it and walk away from the story.

It's a story about the past. It will keep you in the past, when you need to come into the present, and be progressing towards your future without him.

DeclineandFall · 04/07/2021 11:38

No they never stop. So you have to block him permanently on everything. Never ask about him. Stop people when they start talking about him etc etc. Stop yourself when you start thinking about him. It's the only way.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/07/2021 11:48

The only time the games will stop is when you become completely uninteresting to him. When he can't play with your emotions he will move on to his next victim.

Grey rock all of the way. Cut him out of your life on every level and go completely no contact. Don't discuss him with mutual friends, literally act like he doesn't exist and if you hear any news about him just act completely bored and indifferent.

Do not react, confront or respond in ANY way to him. Don't expect apologies or expect him to care what he puts others through.

Its difficult and can be so heart wrenching to do but stepping away from a narcissist is an act of self preservation.

user1471538283 · 04/07/2021 11:56

No they never stop and cannot learn. This is because other people are not important and don't have rights, opinions, feelings and value.

This goes for men and women narcissists. They repeat the same behaviour with different people fully expecting different results.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/07/2021 12:00

Also meant to add:

If you leave the door open even a fraction for him he will exploit that and hurt you again.

Manipulation is a sport for narcissists, in fact it is often their favourite pastime.

MzHz · 04/07/2021 12:08

The only thing you can do is to erase him 100% from your life

Block him on everything, if possible even change your numbers

Sure it’s hard and feels so cold, but this is a battle you have to win.

Fake it till you make it. Be strong, come talk to us before you think of caving.

We’re here for you.

xsquared · 04/07/2021 12:53

No, they never stop with their games because that is how they view life. If you've managed to escape them, they just find a new victim to repeat the same shitty behaviour with.

The only way to rid them from your life is to go no contact. They will ignore this though and find ways of breaking that by hoovering methods. Block them from everything, redirect their emails to the spam folder so that you don't even see their name in your inbox, move house if they know where you live, call police if you have to.

I still live in fear of my narc hoovering me after 10 years.

Get counselling or trauma based therapy to work on yourself to heal.

Timeforredwine · 04/07/2021 13:00

Is there no way you can have watsapp without him popping up there. Take him off contacts list & block on everything. Although if you are on his contacts is that why he shows on watsapp, genuinely dont have a clue but wish you the best of luck with the future without him in it.

Timeforredwine · 04/07/2021 13:01

Someone said change your number, good idea too.

Hopefortomorrow3 · 04/07/2021 13:17

Thank you. I definitely will keep silent and he won't ever get a response from me now. I'm sure he's blocked now everywhere apart from wattsapp. If he sends anything on there I won't open it I'll block him. Just hoping if he doesn't think I've seen him on there he will clear off. He's not said anything to me yet so not sure yet what he's thinking. But hopefully he gets distracted and forgets.

I know it's only been a month but I already feel positive about the future and the idea of meeting someone new is exciting. I'm not sure if I will meet anyone again or how easy it would be. But I kind of feel open to that thought now. A couple of months ago I felt like nobody could compare to him. Now I don't even know what made me feel that way.

This woman he's speaking with still spoke to me a month ago. She's 48 and I'm early 30s. She told me when you get older you wise up. She used my age to tell me I'll learn with experience. Yet here she is still letting him be her friend. Goes to show it's not about age. It's about the wising up part she hasn't done I guess that's how he finds his victims. There's too many women prepared to not question things or notice what's right there. One of the women he used let him come and go for two years. He wrecked her marriage. She got back with her husband. The narc returned. She started talking to him again. His ex girlfriend of 8 years also tells him everything about her life still. Calls in for coffee. Texts him all the time. I just think how do these women keep dealing with his nonsense. We were together for less than a year and that was enough for me. I only really discovered who he was in April and may this year.

I am ready to move on with my life. It's incredibly hard to stop playing it over and over. But it's turned from love to hate really quickly. Sometimes I feel sorry for him and feel guilty for contacting people behind his back. That's not the kind of crazy woman I want to be. But he pushed me to behave abit erratically. That said I knew and was correct about the people I suspected. So I take comfort in knowing I didn't get it wrong. I know he's likely told this woman I'm mad. Stalkers. Crazy. Too young for him. Obsessed with him etc. But I have all the evidence of every message he sent me. So I know I can proove myself if need be.

From experience do you think he will attempt contact again then? We left it on a really bad note and me telling him I had found him out. So I find it hard to believe he would attempt to speak. He never emails me or anything.

I've read up some stuff. I think he's possibly a covert narc? He plays victim alot.

OP posts:
Hopefortomorrow3 · 04/07/2021 13:22

I guess it's because his number is in my phone still. Its just so I know who he is if that makes sense. My number is blocked as far as I know. He blocked it in march and claimed when he spoke to me again in may he didn't know how to unblock me.

I can block him on wattsapp easily. But I'm wary of him knowing I've done it. Because then he knows Ive noticed and I'm feeding his ego with my reactions. I'm sort of really really trying to not do anything.

Aghh I've had this number forever but If he contacts me I guess I will need to consider that. It's just the number on everything everywhere. Good idea!

Hopefully he will scurry off again. I guess it was me who abandoned him and took control. So he is probably hoping he can proove to himself I still want him. That's my wild guess. That said he isn't fussed about me at all. He's got the whole of tinder to hunt through now he's on there. Sure he el find a new victim or two soon.

The thing that's always stood out to me is he hates most his family too or they don't like him. This behaviour seems to flow through to all areas of his life.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 13:33

You sound obsessed. I felt like this too after my brush with a similar sort of person.

You are thinking about what he's doing, how he's treating people, what those people are like, what he will think if you take this or that action, what he might be thinking about how things ended...

None of this is important for you taking care of your present and future. What he thinks/does/how he treats people is as meaningful for you now as the behaviours of the man who live at number 3, 6 streets parallel to yours. He can do, think, say, behave however he likes. He can treat people like crap. He can change and become a dream man. He can physically abuse people. He can avoid his children. People are doing these things all around us, all the time.

Choose to see it as irrelevant. If you're blocking him, you won't know what he's doing anyway, so all you're offering yourself by thinking this way is a bunch of tantilisingly unanswerable questions.

Focus on what you think, how you treat people, how you view yourself if you behave in this or that way. Block him on your phone and block him from your mind.

Maze76 · 04/07/2021 13:36

I married one- it’s a nightmare. Prior to entering into the relationship I never knew such people existed, so I believed he truly loved me and without realising, I modified my behaviour to suit him. I wish I’d spoken to his ex partner, I don’t know if that would have prevented the pain he’s caused, but I would have perhaps had my guard up, I don’t know. Think yourself lucky that you didn’t get more involved or married to him. Walk away knowing you deserve better.

Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 13:37

There is helping it op. If it helps you - then think of him as a psychopath. He may well actually be one. Either that or a sister cluster b personality such as a narcissist. He isnt mentally ill exactly...he is just a predator. Theres no changing.

Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 13:37

*is no helping it

xsquared · 04/07/2021 13:38

It is possible that he may contact you again if trying to extract supply from former targets don't work.

He may accidentally bump into you on your way to work or place you frequent, he may send you an out of the blue text or email about how sorry he is for his behaviour and love bomb and guilt you back into contact, he may even feign an emergency in order to get your attention.

That was my experience. I had to avert my eyes when he tried to get my attention in public, he would deliberately create a scene so that it would provoke me into reacting sibthat I looked like the crazy one. With phone calls, I simply put it on silent one time after hanging up on him. The email I've deleted from my inbox. You may need to keep them in case you need to report him for harassment.

Read up stuff to understand what you went through bhut don't neglect yourself. You need to heap so focus on you by getting counselling and maybe do the freedom programme. I've just received a copy if The Gift of Fear and its a fascinating read about not ignoring your intuition.

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 13:41

I've not blocked him as I don't want to even feed his hobby by letting him know I've noticed him

So bloody what if he notices. Just block him everywhere now. Stop giving him access to you and you will eventually stop thinking about him altogether. And if your friend ever brings him up in conversation shut her down straight away. You don't need to know anything about him anymore.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 04/07/2021 13:55

By not deleting his number from your phone and blocking him everywhere you are playing his game.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 20:27

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

By not deleting his number from your phone and blocking him everywhere you are playing his game.
Not really. I didn't delete my ex's number because I wanted to know that if a random number called, it wasn't my ex.

His game is an irrelevance. As long as OP looks after her own needs, it doesn't matter if it 'plays his game' or not.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread