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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fairweather friend?

5 replies

Katekarate · 04/07/2021 08:40

Struggling a bit with this and outside views would be helpful. Don't want to go into too much outing detail but have a longstanding, decades long, friend. I feel like our friendship is fine when all is well, but recently I was really struggling with something and she just disappeared, totally blanked me. I realised looking back she's done this in the past, when I lost a parent I didn't hear from her for over a year for example. She's not good with emotion I think. But I've been supportive to her when she was going through difficult times herself, so it feels like a one way street.

She lives a way away and it's hard to get her to meet up, I tend to go to her or meet in the middle, she's never been to my place.

Would you stick with a friend who's only there during the good times and disappears when things get difficult? I wonder if I'm just hanging on to it because I've known her so long rather than anything else.

OP posts:
PoopMaster · 04/07/2021 09:45

Hi OP, sorry you've been struggling. I've had a similar friendship in the past and weighed things up, I realised that I really enjoyed their company when we were together but couldn't count on them for support. For me the enjoyment was enough and I knew that would be all I'd get out of it. I didn't put a huge amount of effort in on that basis, and we did eventually drift apart over many years.

I think if I hadn't had the fun side of things, I wouldn't have bothered at all. I guess it depends on what you get out of the relationship vs what it costs you.

userrnamemn · 04/07/2021 09:49

I have the opposite to the above. I have a friend where we support each other when things are bad, but honestly, I really don’t have much fun with her. I’ve learnt that you’re friends with different people at different times for different reasons - and that’s okay!

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 12:24

Why does it matter what other people would do? There's no right or wrong here. You can dip in and out of the friendship just like she does.

What does 'sticking with' a friend look like? What's the alternative? A dramatic announcement that it's over? A few 'no, sorry, I'm busy's?

Just see her if and when you want to. Why do you need to make a firm decision right now?

Orgasmagorical · 04/07/2021 12:30

I'm along the lines of PoopMaster - if you get anything out of the friendship then keep it for that benefit but know that that's all you'll get and don't expect any more. If you don't feel that's enough for you then do what is right for you.

It's horrible when you have the realisation that you don't seem to be important to them as they are/have been to you but I think that can help with any guilt you might feel for using them for the good times only. Does that make sense?

Katekarate · 04/07/2021 17:26

It's horrible when you have the realisation that you don't seem to be important to them as they are/have been to you but I think that can help with any guilt you might feel for using them for the good times only. Does that make sense?

It does and you're right. Thank you to everyone who's replied, I've found all the comments and perspectives really helpful. It has bothered me I think that maybe I hadn't noticed how one sided in many ways the friendship was, it makes sense just to dip in and out without guilt, and not to maybe do things for that friend that they wouldn't do for me.

OP posts:
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