Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support

14 replies

Stepmum1996 · 04/07/2021 07:54

Hi!

Abit of backstory (very short hand) I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years and I have two step children from him. We’ve lived together just over 4 years, in that time we’ve had major struggles with him drinking and cheating on me.
Last year I moved out, and in that time he worked on himself and really did change, I went back after two months.
Fast forward just over a year later, some changes didn’t last and I’ve just decided Im not actually happy with him. I broke up with him last week.
He’s begged me to sort things out but I feel like it’s all too little to late?
I suppose I just want some support on knowing that breaking up is okay?
I’ll be honest I’m 25, and I did everything for him so I get why he’s upset as he’s about to lose that, but I somehow feel guilty that he’s going to have to start his life again? Even though I do too?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/07/2021 07:55

Of course breaking up is ok
It sounds like you did the right thing

DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 07:56

OMG you are so young, please leave him. Don’t have children with him. Go find a good, stable man - they are out there.
Of course he wants you to stay. You’ve put up with his crap before and he wants you to continue do it.

Original poster
Stepmum1996 · 04/07/2021 08:31

Thankyou so much 🙌🏻 I’ve stayed out all weekend as I’m scared he’s going to come home drunk, as he’s been at the pub all weekend - I really want to ask him for his key back, but I don’t want to start an argument 🙃 I really don’t know what’s best!

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 08:33

Is it your place ? If it is don’t go for the confrontation, just change your locks.

Original poster
Stepmum1996 · 04/07/2021 08:36

We rent together, but I do all of the sorting of the house etc, he did agree to go to live at his mums but as it’s the weekend and football has been on he’s been on the piss all weekend

OP posts:
Itsbeenalongwhile · 04/07/2021 08:40

25! You are so young. You are absolutely doing the right thing. He will not change. One week or even two months for that matter, is not enough time to demonstrate long term change.
Sounds like he has a key to yours..just change the locks.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 04/07/2021 08:42

Just seen your update. Can you move out? Have you anywhere to go until you can get a place of your own?

DinosaurDiana · 04/07/2021 08:42

I’ve never rented so I don’t know how you go about getting him off the agreement. Hopefully someone will come along who knows about it.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 04/07/2021 10:43

Can you speak to the Landlord and get his name of the lease? And have a new agreement drawn up....

Original poster
Stepmum1996 · 04/07/2021 19:45

Yeah I’ll be able to sort the lease no problem! I just can’t get rid the guilt of breaking his heart? He has hurt me a lot in the past but I feel so guilty for doing this to him and seeing him beg and cry is so painful? Is it normal to feel this way? Will it get easier?

OP posts:
Itsbeenalongwhile · 05/07/2021 07:12

@stepmum1996, It is normal to feel this way. And it may hurt for a while but think 5yrs from now.... the last thing you need is to be in a relationship with this person.

PieceOfString · 05/07/2021 07:23

Imo It is your inclination to overly consider his feelings and put them ahead of your own that has enabled you to tolerate behaviour from him that many would have walked away from sooner. That is to say you are obviously very kind and caring but at times when that is to your own detriment you need to try to reign it in, channel it towards people who deserve it at times when it can make a difference - this isn't that. If he's heartbroken maybe he'll treat his next partner better, he should be looking in the mirror asking himself if this isn't just the natural consequences of being a twat not looking at you asking you not to dish out the obvious reaction to prolonged mistreatment and being all 'poor me' about it. Where's his personal responsibility and why is glossing over it your job, you've wasted enough time. Be strong.
You moved in and took him and his children in after only one year which really isn't looking enough to know someone on a level where life partner and children are a good idea, but you know him pretty well now and if you had a crystal ball to predict the next 5 years of your life you could guess what they'd be like, focus on that, not his heartbreak and protect your future from this point, 30 year old you will thank you for it.
It struck me that you said 'he really did change' and 2 months later you returned. No-one really fundamentally changed habits that are years long in two months. He held it together for 2 months until you came back, now you're nervous of asking him for his keys in case he starts an argument. A decent guy who knows he deserves to have the keys taken wouldn't react in a way you'd be nervous of.
Wonder why he's no longer with the mother of his children, do you think you'd have more in common with her than with him these days? 🤔

PieceOfString · 05/07/2021 07:25

And yes, you're feelings are really understandable because you genuinely care and are a kind person. He should have treasured that, but he didn't. His disrespect for his partners are costing him valuable things, but if nearly losing you didn't teach him a lesson he'll never change.

Original poster
Stepmum1996 · 10/07/2021 13:42

Thankyou all for responding… I’ve been really strong the past week and now it’s all falling down around me

We’ve had 0 contact, which kind of helps but all I keep thinking about is his face when I ended it and hearing him cry, it’s haunting me and I just feel evil for doing that to him. I hate not knowing how he is, I know we aren’t right together but breaking his heart and broken me.

Does this get easier?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page