Divorce. Head literally all over the place

[Goneanddonedit]

Just that really.
Nisi came, went to pieces.
Still going to pieces.
Think he is interested in someone else, a month after I filed for divorce. Now going to pieces again. I am so jealous and upset at the thought he may be looking so soon, I am just putting one foot in front of the other and he’s moving on?????

I chose to divorce, but the way I’m reacting I’m not so sure it’s the right thing. I mean should I be this upset over something I wanted? I miss the familiarity of him and although I’m used to it I’m scared that apart from the children I am now on my own
He is not the sort to step in and help, as far as he’s concerned if you don’t want him then you don’t want his help and you certainly aren’t getting any money (and he’s stuck to that one)

He’s an abusive pig and most of the time I didn’t like him, there was EA, DV and some financial carrying on throughout our marriage, he was a rubbish dad and we were always lonely, but one of my main thoughts now is not the fact he’s withdrawn all financial help, or what he’s been like for years, it’s how angry he’s going to be that I’ve got a solicitor and I’m “going for his money” I literally don’t sleep for stressing over how he will react. I can only assume this is a by product of years of treading on eggshells, but whatever it is it’s causing me great anxiety that he will be upset.
Thing is, if it was the other way round he would (and had) shown me that he doesn’t give a damn if what he does hurts me. He’s always done what’s best for him and it’s just tough if it hurt me or the children really.

However, for want of a better expression, I find myself arselicking and crawling round him to almost try to dilute what I am doing.

I am rambling a bit, but I just want to get this down. I’m struggling to get my thoughts in order at the moment. I don’t sleep and I’m a misery, I’m on my own bar the children, I’ve had to change jobs to one with more hours to address the financial shortfall that he’s lack of help is creating so I’m worried how I will fit it all in.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore. I didn’t think I would find it this hard or painful if I am honest

It's very clear you are doing the right thing: He’s an abusive pig and most of the time I didn’t like him, there was EA, DV and some financial carrying on throughout our marriage

I pity whoever he has his sights on.

You feel uncertain at the moment because this is a huge change - you'd got used to putting up with this man, it was just the way things were - and now there's an empty space that used to be filled by coping with him.

You will adjust and come to see it as a weight off your shoulders. You are free now - enjoy your freedom.

“You will adjust and come to see it as a weight off your shoulders. You are free now - enjoy your freedom.”

How? How do I do that? I don’t think I’ve had a day in years where what he’s going to think about what I’ve done hasn’t factored massively in my mind. I agonised over divorcing for several years, I left but we kept drifting back together and not necessarily for love on my part, but for fear over how it would be if I divorced him.

I’m having to mediate over the children or go to court (long story and very outing) and I’m going to end up in court over money as currently he has everything which is not an insubstantial sum and frankly I have bugger all right now.

Maybe because he is carrying on seemingly unhindered by anything after destroying your life and confidence.

It's grief for the life that you were promised and that he is now promising someone else.

It's the realisation that his feelings were so shallow and easily moved on, whilst you have doubted yourself at every single step.

But he isnt something to pine for, he is a cancer who thinks only of himself. You need to start prioritising your needs. Your DC needs.

He is an abuser, unfortunately he won't be called to account for that abuse. You need to forgive yourself for that relationship and accept that nothing you could have done could have made it work.

There's no overnight solution - it just takes time. Living with an abuser takes up a great deal of mental energy, and when you lose that focus - even though it was on something horrible - you feel adrift, and it takes time to find your feet again. All you can do is focus on the moment - keep going, put one foot in front of the other - but at some point in the future, you will feel the weight lift.

The problem is that even someone completely toxic is A.N.Other person in your life, and you feel their absence when they're gone - because alongside the abuse, they did all the mundane, everyday things with you - there were probably times when things felt OK - and when all that goes, you feel the loss of the other person, and it's easy to fall into the trap of minimising the bad things.

Only time can give you perspective. You're on the journey to becoming another person, and when you get there, you'll look back in disbelief at how you tolerated so much and for so long.