Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and crap friends

23 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/07/2021 22:14

I've recently moved in with my DP of 2.5 years, and since restrictions have been lifted I've been going out and seeing friends again.

I've noticed that although DP has a small group of friends from his hometown, they don't seem to really include him. It's normally DP initiating the conversation on their shared messaging group, but I know the other guy's have their own chat without DP (one of their girlfriends mentioned it in passing). They all normally play online games together but I've noticed the guys have been coming online and starting games without DP. I know he doesn't have to be included in everything but it does feel he's being shunned or is last to know what is happening. This used to happen a lot in their houseshare as well. DP would be in the kitchen and the others would come downstairs, DP would ask where they were off to and they'd say 'oh just going to the cinema with x' before leaving and hopping in the car with the other friend.

Now DP has not mentioned this too much, and it's not something I want to bring to his attention, but I'm pretty sure he's aware he's being left out. I just feel helpless and wish there was something I can do, it's just awful seeing someone you love being shunned.

As to not dripfeed:
They all have partners too so not single guys
They have all know each other since school
DP hasn't done anything to offend anyone as far as I know but can sometimes be a bit jokey which doesn't go down well. I've met these friends before and they're very 'injokey' and boring, but I've always made an effort. They're just not my type of people.

Has anyone else been through anything like this with their DP?

OP posts:
earminted · 03/07/2021 22:18

What does being a bit jokey mean?

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/07/2021 22:32

@earminted - nothing vulgar or offensive. Will just crack a joke about a game or get very into the games and jokingly tell the guys off. I can see how that would be annoying, and they tell him off too in a more 'tut tut' sort of way....I'm not making a load of sense :(

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 03/07/2021 23:02

So, all the blokes have moved from the same hometown to the city you now live in, and shared a house until you and DP moved in together?

Could it be that they really just don't have much in common with your DP any more other than all coming from the same place?

Branleuse · 03/07/2021 23:05

Hes a grown up. Please dont try and fix his friendships.

greenlynx · 03/07/2021 23:14

What exactly are you worried about? Is it about you going out more than him? Or is your DP upset about their behaviour? Or is it about his social manners?

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/07/2021 23:23

@Branleuse and @greenlynx , you're right. I think DP thinks a lot of his friends as they've known each other since school and they're his only group of friends. I think if he lost them it would hit him hard. I think he's kind of in denial about what's happening but as an outsider, I can kind of see it happening in slow motion.

@fetch, they all come from city A. Half still live in city A, one lives in city B and DP lives in city C. All are within half an hour of each other

OP posts:
greenlynx · 04/07/2021 00:56

In this case I would mention now and then what you think about their behaviour but gently. And I would encourage him to get new friends whenever possible e.g support his hobbies.

I suppose in a way it’s a confidence thing for him especially because you’ve got a lot of friends so he might think that he should as well.

Maggiesfarm · 04/07/2021 01:22

I would encourage your partner to be more independent of them, distance himself a bit. He needs to build up his confidence. He has you and I expect you have friends. There are other people in the world other than this group. He might actually find he is treated with more respect if he isn't so eager to fit in with them, or 'jokey', and has a life outside of the group.

These things can take time but I guess (I don't know) that he, and you, are young twenty-somethings so he has time to mature and get things in perspective.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 04/07/2021 10:06

Thanks Greenlynx I'll have a gentle word with him when he's back from work

@Maggiesfarm you're right, both of us are late 20s. I don't think he fits in with them really, they are pretty hard to get on with (and I can drag a conversation out of almost anyone!) and don't say much, but when talking to each other it's all injokes etc so hard to jump in anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 08/07/2021 21:30

So I spoke to DP and encouraged him to invite his friends around for an evening. Half ignored his message and the others got back with 'i can't do that day sorry' with no suggestion of other dates.

They're all on the Xbox now together without DP and he's just messaged the group and asked if he can join the game. Ones read and ignored, and noone's invited Dp to the game.

So frustrating to see this happening, I can see how hurt DP is

OP posts:
Bassetlover · 08/07/2021 22:11

Encourage him to get another friend group, maybe ask a few people at work out for after work drinks or take up some hobbies or join clubs. They don't sound like a very nice group.

Elisandra · 08/07/2021 22:18

You seemed to agree with the advice from pp to encourage finding other friends and hobbies (if you are going to get involved). Seems odd to instead encourage him to invite this same unenthusiastic group over and be rejected once again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/07/2021 22:21

@Elisandra

You seemed to agree with the advice from pp to encourage finding other friends and hobbies (if you are going to get involved). Seems odd to instead encourage him to invite this same unenthusiastic group over and be rejected once again.
Yeah this seems like a strange thing to have done, it was rather setting him up to get hurt. Not on purpose but if you'd have thought it through you surely would have seen it was a likely outcome?
Northernparent68 · 09/07/2021 09:17

I mean this nicely but I expect they’ve picked up on the fact you do nt like them, and do nt appreciate being told off.

NannyAndJohn · 09/07/2021 09:26

Maybe they're in the wrong to exclude him.

Or maybe he's a massive dick.

Hard to tell.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 09:28

Stop flogging a dead horse (and stop interfering, you're making it worse by focusing everyone's attention on an unspoken, possibly uncomfortable but accepted element of their group dynamic).

He can carry on with them to the extent he wants to and/or withdraw with dignity. Sounds like that will happen over time anyway. Having his girlfriend trying to fix his friendships by inviting everyone round to tea, so she can supervise them playing nicely, is excruciating.

Surely the two of you do things together, could meet new people through new activities and he could get to know your friends better?

nettie434 · 09/07/2021 09:43

I agree that encouraging him to find new friends is the way forward. Just ignoring him when he asks to join a game is not kind. If he has offended someone (unlikely), they need to explain why.

Do any of your friends have nice partners who would invite your DP to join them doing something socially? If he likes gaming, are there any online groups he could join? Is your DP working from home? I suspect that a lot of people in your age group wfh have missed out on drinks after work. I don't agree with the comments about leaving him to negotiate this himself. Unless he is very self sufficient (which doesn't fit in with wanting to move in with you, asking to join an Xbox game, and being jokey), it sounds as if he would like more social activities but isn't sure about how to change things.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 10:29

By jokiness do you mean self-deprecation? Or do you mean sarcasm, little put-downs that he means as funny but might not be received that way? Is he mucking about when other people are trying to take something seriously? Or the opposite, pulling people up on things when they're trying to have fun?

Somehow or other he doesn't quite fit in to this group. From what you say, they seem to regard him as a hanger-on, perhaps a bit awkward, or a bit of a PITA, or just not on the same wavelength.

You could help him spot and mitigate those tendencies - so to avoid rubbing people up the wrong way - if you think it's partly him. But in the end, it sounds like these just aren't the right friends for him and he'd do well to find new some ones.

FetchezLaVache · 09/07/2021 13:05

That must have been hard to witness, OP.

...is he a bit lazy, socially? He just seems to have latched onto these lads from his home town who have clearly outgrown him and doesn't seem to be getting the hint that they're just not that bothered. Does he have any other mates? Doesn't he naturally make new friends through work, hobbies, you?

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/07/2021 16:33

@FetchezLaVache Yes he's quite introverted and I would say a bit lazy socially. He seems content with his old school group and isn't bothered about being surrounded by people

@lottiegarbanzo Thank you, it's hard to hear what they talk about as he will have his headset on, and I don't actively listen. I think his humor is less sarcastic and maybe jokes about games, movies, jokingly teasing if his friend looses in a game.

@nettie434 - DP works in a department where WFH isn't possible so does go out to work but is in a small team, where members communicate in their own language at times, and don't speak much English. I think DP would like to be more social but is afraid of rejection.

@Northernparent68 - that's the thing I'm really nice to their face. When I was first brought into the group to meet everyone, I found it was me doing all the conversation making and asking questions. It would have been nice as the newbie in the group, to have had it a bit easier... It was like listening to a conversation between Jim Royale and family Confused

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 09/07/2021 17:22

I think this can be a problem with old or hometown friendships: you’ve all grown up and now have different lives, views, opinions, interests and personalities to when you first met, you don’t necessarily all have a lot in common any more, but can’t exactly say “hey Dave, this just isn’t working for us anymore, we don’t really enjoy your company like we used to.” So you just sort of distance yourself and ghost a bit.

Agree with others, he needs to forge new friendships away from this old group, with people he perhaps has more in common with now.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/07/2021 17:23

Why did you set him up to be rejected again??

Whilst he is an adult I suppose there is no reason why you can't support him during the hard time he is going to have when he finally accepts that he is only tolerated by this group.

Encourage him to try new hobbies and meet new friends Smile. Sounds like he is going to need your push.

FunMcCool · 09/07/2021 17:38

but can sometimes be a bit jokey which doesn't go down well.

It seems he has annoyed them.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page