Living together while separated after 15 years

[oak55]

We've been married for 15 years and like any marraige we've had our ups and downs..I have been married before with Ex in another country and child who is now 21..This has been a sensitive topic over the years hence our ups and downs..Over the past few years it's gotten a bit intense as my daughter has finished school and has been more in contact now than the earlier years of her life..
I'll be 50 this year and my wife 42, i love her to bits and will do anything for her...We've made a life for ourselves here and are happy with own home and myself working from home and my wife works close by in the area...

We've reached a point now where she has asked me to completely forget, disown, my child and have no contact with my ex even if it is to do with my daughter..who is 21 and not working, extremely difficult to get a job but also does not help the fact that she did not do well in school so that makes it more difficult and with the current pandemic and recent restrictions in that country it's now twice as hard to find work..
The problem is that i buy her toiletries, monthly airtime (if needed) and a small allowance..if anything is needed then i pay online so as to not deposit any monies which is another long story..My wife seems to think this is going to go on forever
My past has made her bitter and resentfull..I think shes correct

We can be so good together and after our last arguement/disagreement, whatever you want to call it, i seriously thought/assumed that was the last...
I try my best and have done not to let my past come into my marraige but my wife is obsessed with every detail that goes on with them..
Sadly this is the major contributor to our problems

I'm just reaching out to others who are in a similar type of situation or thoughts, advice regarding the subject

At my wits end

(sorry for the long post)

Why did you marry a woman who couldnt accept your past including a child?

No normal person asks someone to stop all contact with their child even when they're an adult.

Why is she so insecure?

You've having to support your daughter in secret which doesnt bode well.

Hello,in defence of her she did accept the fact that I had a child when we 1st met...but things did change over the years
She’s aware that I give my daughter an allowance only cause she’s not working but her argument is, how long is this going to go on for.

My wife feels they are using me and taking me for a fool..that being said, a lot has happened when I 1st met my wife (now) and she was blamed for breaking up a marriage which obviously was not the case..
It’s been a rollercoaster with my ex with lies, dishonesty, money missing etc and in the beginning my wife used to buy my child clothes, help me out to buy stuff for young girl..
My child was very young when I left and all what was said did come from my ex and I suppose it’s now reached a point were my wife has had enough..I just spoke to her now and she’s displaying much hatred and resentment which I know is my past and I feel is to blame for the change in her
Sadly she can’t see past the fact of what we have and accomplished together but so focussed and obsessive over this situation
😕

Your poor daughter.

Seems like she's spent her life stuck between a dad who has prioritised his new wife, in a new country and all their many 'accomplishments' and her understandably bitter mother.

I do understand and agree with what you’re saying...I’m guilty of the way my daughter has turned out..many times I would just think that she’s missed out on so much with me not being there when she was younger

I love my wife and I wont let my daughter down a 2nd time..
At my age I’m not at a point to just up and start a new life
I’ve lost friends and family in this pandemic and now life is so precious as you never know what’s around the corner

Just 2 days ago we were so good, no I feel drained

I don't care what your ex did or didnt do, I care more about yoir daughter who had an absent father for nearly her whole life and now his wife is asking him to cut contact and stop supporting her.

I can't believe you think you're too old to start again, so you'll let your wife push you around until you give in and then you abandon your daughter.

You need to get your priorities straight.

I would not do that to my daughter a second time..we’ve been having brief chats tonight and I said to my wife that’s she’s asking me to do something that I can not and will not do

Is your wife deliberately trying to engineer an argument? Because she can't seriously expect you to disown/cut off from your daughter, however old she is.
Normal parents carry on supporting their children for however long they need support, financially and emotionally. If your daughter hasn't got a decent education, maybe you can find ways to help her with that? Just because she didn't do well in school, doesn't mean she can't study now.
I can't imagine why your wife would expect you to dump your daughter, has she always been this selfish?

Hi sadly and absolutely hate to say it, yes she is a bit selfish
You’ve just mentioned what I’ve been trying to get through to my wife for the past couple of months, I need to help my daughter get on her footing with either work experience, studying or part time work..

This all started yesterday morning when she knew my daughter 21st is today 3rd July and seems like she just saw red...
I’m just downstairs and she up with our pet dog who’s like a child and even the slightest stress the dog senses she starts to get really stressed out, I want to adopt as we can’t have kids but she’s totally against it saying we’ll have endless problems as all the kids are from broken, drugged up families and my reply was more the reason to adopt and mould that child for the better

This is the 1st time I’ve been on a forum like this, somehow it feels like a bit off the load is being taken off..

Don't adopt any children with this woman!!!!
I appreciate life has been very difficult in the beginning and this has coloured her views and made her bitter but you have to stand your ground here 100%.
She has to understand that your daughter is a non negotiable part of you and that's it end of not up for debate.
You don't want to split up so whether that means that the your daughter and ex are no longer a point of discussion or she seeks some therapy to work why she is still so bitter about your ex, your wife has to accept that your daughter is going nowhere.
Your wife needs to sort her head out

@misssunshine4040

Don't adopt any children with this woman!!!! I appreciate life has been very difficult in the beginning and this has coloured her views and made her bitter but you have to stand your ground here 100%. She has to understand that your daughter is a non negotiable part of you and that's it end of not up for debate. You don't want to split up so whether that means that the your daughter and ex are no longer a point of discussion or she seeks some therapy to work why she is still so bitter about your ex, your wife has to accept that your daughter is going nowhere. Your wife needs to sort her head out

It’s been a week and it’s been, well, back to normal, whatever that is after it all calms down..I just thought we made headway this week as surely after such a near miss of separation, me looking at the valuation of our house, contemplating getting it on the market and what the hell would I do now after 15 years of being together, it starts again this morning... Seems like any little ground we make gets overshadowed by her obsession...and knocks our relationship back 10 steps.. I’m afraid that one day I won’t have the strength and energy to claw back out of this, to be again trying to reassure her and make her understand that I do very much love her and what we have together we should be happy and live our lives?? I’m beginning question myself now that what if I brought all this upon her with my past and having a child...

I read what other couples do through and it’s always never that easy to understand, especially if you’re in a similar sort of situation...
I’ll be 49 this year and still want to adopt and have a life with a family and I also thought this will give my wife something else positive to focus on ..she’s not into adopting anymore..

She’s a lovely, kind and giving person but this situation just brings out another person in her ...obviously I don’t want my marriage to fail and fall apart, it’s just to draining at times like this