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Original poster

Billy no mates

27 replies

TragicKingdom · 03/07/2021 18:14

Is anyone in the same boat... I find myself at the ripe old age of 45 with hardly any friends. I've never been that good at making friends but have always had a handful of people around me. After moving away, various job moves, lockdown, a marriage break-up and generally being a bit crap with people, I find myself feeling really lonely.

Anyone else felt this way? Anyone got any tips? I have wallowed enough!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 03/07/2021 18:17

I usually keep busy with different projects , then make chit chat here and there, then as I see x person more often see how it goes from there, sometimes people are great to be around, other times people's psychology and behaviour and perspectives, can be puzzling too at times.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/07/2021 18:17

When you say youve got hardly any friends how many are you talking about? Because when it comes to friends - quality beats quantity hands down

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 03/07/2021 18:21

I agree... I guess going through a break-up has been an eye opener. I've let friendships lapse and, my family aside, there's not one person I'm close enough to talk to, or ask to meet for a coffee. Tragic isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TragicKingdom · 03/07/2021 18:23

Thanks for your reply. Yes been trying to keep busy but there are times I get cabin fever and wish I had someone to call up and go for a cocktail with. Or just have a natter.

OP posts:
MarketingMess · 03/07/2021 23:56

@TragicKingdom
Do you have a faith ,OP?
I have just moved to another area, and have been for a cuppa with the vicar of my nearest church. She has put me in touch with other church groups. Blessings.

Literarydevice · 04/07/2021 00:14

If you can deal with groups then I recommend checking the WI in your are. Some have a good mix of ages and have a wide range of activities . Once lockdown ends they will hopefully be re starting meetings. Ours have had sessions on still life drawing, bread making, putting together reusable period kits for girls in places where they don’t have access to sanitary towels. There’s a supper club, book club, walking group as well. I’ve met some really amazing women there.

quickisticki · 04/07/2021 07:52

How long have you been single for and why did you let your friendships 'lapse'?

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 08:39

[quote MarketingMess]@TragicKingdom
Do you have a faith ,OP?
I have just moved to another area, and have been for a cuppa with the vicar of my nearest church. She has put me in touch with other church groups. Blessings.[/quote]
Thank you for your post, I don't have a faith but that sounds a lovely community to be part of.

OP posts:
Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 08:45

@quickisticki

How long have you been single for and why did you let your friendships 'lapse'?
Have been single since January and it's partly being an introvert and laziness on my part.

I've always been a homebody and enjoyed my own company, and in the past I haven't made as much effort as I should have at maintaining friendships. I guess I'm also sometimes not that confident and have worried about reaching out to people and being rejected.

I put my big girl pants on yesterday and got in touch with two ladies I used to be friendly with frim a previous job. One of them doesn't want to meet for a drink but the other does. Yay.

OP posts:
Darker · 04/07/2021 08:52

I think this can happen from time to time. I’ve got just one friend I see regularly at the moment but that’s all I want. Lockdown has turned me into something of a hermit as far as friends are concerned, but I’m working and volunteering so I’m busy and a bit worn out.

I lost friends when my relationship broke up many years ago. I lost others while I was mired in family stuff and didn’t have time to see people or the emotional energy to invest in new friendships. But that’s ok. Some were never really friends and some will be there again in the future.

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 08:59

@Darker

I think this can happen from time to time. I’ve got just one friend I see regularly at the moment but that’s all I want. Lockdown has turned me into something of a hermit as far as friends are concerned, but I’m working and volunteering so I’m busy and a bit worn out.

I lost friends when my relationship broke up many years ago. I lost others while I was mired in family stuff and didn’t have time to see people or the emotional energy to invest in new friendships. But that’s ok. Some were never really friends and some will be there again in the future.

I think you're right, I just sometimes look at people who have amazing friendships and feel envious and annoyed that I have lep friendships lapse.

I work but mostly from home and I guess the relationship breakup from my best friend and living alone for the first time ever has made me feel quite lonely at times. Plus I found the last lockdown to be be so hard.

Like you, I'd be happy to have one person I can spend time with. I have an urge to shake off my hermit ways.

OP posts:
Mrsnippycat · 04/07/2021 09:15

OP I'm in exactly the same position, for the same reasons. Only been single since May but after 20 years together there is a lot of loneliness. I've reached out to a few people and am meeting up with some, which is lovely. But I know I need to make a real effort to get out there and meet people. The question is where to go... I live in a small village with a more...mature...demographic, so I need to do some research and find some options.

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 09:30

@Mrsnippycat

OP I'm in exactly the same position, for the same reasons. Only been single since May but after 20 years together there is a lot of loneliness. I've reached out to a few people and am meeting up with some, which is lovely. But I know I need to make a real effort to get out there and meet people. The question is where to go... I live in a small village with a more...mature...demographic, so I need to do some research and find some options.
It's hard after so long with someone isn't it. Like you, I'm now in a small village but it's incredibly rural and dispersed.

Based on another reply I have found a local WI group this morning so that may be an option, like you I'm thinking of the demographics of the area 😊. I'm thinking of looking at local walking groups, ideally I'd like to find something that involves drinking cider.

I hope you find something

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 04/07/2021 09:36

Hi OP, I’m a man, but am often envious of women create close friends that men don’t seem to, I was similar to you in my 40’s, failed relationship & lonely, last few years have doubled up on a hobby, joined a club got involved and now and busy almost every weekend and quiet a lot of week day evening s (too much sometimes really), still have no real ‘close’ friends, but a wide group of acquaintances with shared interests, we have done days out, weekends away, weekends in Europe loads of stuff

Mrsnippycat · 04/07/2021 09:37

I'm also looking at walking groups, it's a beautiful area that I tend to take for granted. A cider drinking walking group sounds ideal Grin

JustAnotherOldMan · 04/07/2021 09:44

@TragicKingdom
Just noticed you said you like cider
Things like beer festivals and craft beer/ cider are massive these days, got any local festivals to just go along to and enjoy

Hazelnutwhirl · 04/07/2021 09:50

I also find myself without any close friends, i have people I see and chat too but no one I can hang out with, last close friend turned out to be a narcissist and I lost all our mutual friends.

drspouse · 04/07/2021 09:53

I'm in a similar position but due to having a DS with SEN. Everyone told me I'd make friends at the school gate and we did but now I'm persona non grata and the invitations to go to the park dried up years ago, it's all jolly jolly when I see them in the street and false "we must meet up".
I'm in a cycling group but the older women on the short rides are fine for small talk but so little in common with them. I have more in common with the ones in the bigger group who are 20 or even 30 years younger and are professionals (but much better riders than me so I don't see them on that many rides). I'd feel really intrusive on their age group asking to meet up with them.

I do have two friends I can have coffee with but I feel like I'm always asking them rather than the other way round. I have one mum that gets it (her son has much less severe needs) that's trying to support me but she keeps agreeing to meet then not able to make it so again I don't want to push it. And another local SEND mum is still "nervous about COVID" or else away on shopping outings which doesn't quite fit but again, you get to a point where you don't want to push it.

Thirtyrock39 · 04/07/2021 10:01

I'm 44 and since turning 40 have felt increasingly lonely. I had a huge party for my 40th and would really struggle now to have many people to invite if I was to organise a similar thing. Part of mine is life changes- kids getting older so losing that automatic social side to having young kids, I used to do lots of volunteering (committees, brownies etc) which was a good way to meet people but due to increasing work demands I just couldn't fit in now. Also a few really good friends have moved away and I've changed jobs a few times which means work friendships have changed. I'm also more introverted and quite happy in my own company and often have to force myself to make an effort with people - made worse by covid . The things I do find hard is dh has got a huge group of friends that have developed as mine have dwindled - while I was a sahm with a lovely close group of pals and he was working all the hours god sent he only went out once a month maybe with old uni mates and now he's out all the time with a close group of local blokes he's met through football

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 10:06

@JustAnotherOldMan

Hi OP, I’m a man, but am often envious of women create close friends that men don’t seem to, I was similar to you in my 40’s, failed relationship & lonely, last few years have doubled up on a hobby, joined a club got involved and now and busy almost every weekend and quiet a lot of week day evening s (too much sometimes really), still have no real ‘close’ friends, but a wide group of acquaintances with shared interests, we have done days out, weekends away, weekends in Europe loads of stuff
Thanks for your reply. I think joining a club or something is the way forward.

As much as I crave a close relationship I'd love to have a couple of close acquaintances for doing things with.

There are often cider/beer festivals in these parts, I guess it's being brave about going to these things by yourself. Thanks for the suggestions though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 10:08

@Mrsnippycat

I'm also looking at walking groups, it's a beautiful area that I tend to take for granted. A cider drinking walking group sounds ideal Grin
Hehe it does doesn't it. Not in Shropshire are you Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 10:10

@Hazelnutwhirl

I also find myself without any close friends, i have people I see and chat too but no one I can hang out with, last close friend turned out to be a narcissist and I lost all our mutual friends.
That's so hard isn't it when someone you're close with turns out to not be a great person.

I just find it hard to connect with people, I think I probably try too hard sometimes and can be a bit intense.

OP posts:
Mrsnippycat · 04/07/2021 10:15

Sadly no, Scotland! Big fan of Shropshire though, beautiful place.

Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 10:18

@drspouse

I'm in a similar position but due to having a DS with SEN. Everyone told me I'd make friends at the school gate and we did but now I'm persona non grata and the invitations to go to the park dried up years ago, it's all jolly jolly when I see them in the street and false "we must meet up". I'm in a cycling group but the older women on the short rides are fine for small talk but so little in common with them. I have more in common with the ones in the bigger group who are 20 or even 30 years younger and are professionals (but much better riders than me so I don't see them on that many rides). I'd feel really intrusive on their age group asking to meet up with them.

I do have two friends I can have coffee with but I feel like I'm always asking them rather than the other way round. I have one mum that gets it (her son has much less severe needs) that's trying to support me but she keeps agreeing to meet then not able to make it so again I don't want to push it. And another local SEND mum is still "nervous about COVID" or else away on shopping outings which doesn't quite fit but again, you get to a point where you don't want to push it.

I hate that we must meet up, I have an acquaintance that says that whenever I see her, or used to, but she has such a full life with close friends and is always busy. She's never been able to make things when I have asked her in the past and like you, I don't want to push. I'd love to have someone who wants to contact me. Silly huh!

I imagine it must be challenging with your DS and having time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TragicKingdom · 04/07/2021 10:26

@Thirtyrock39

I'm 44 and since turning 40 have felt increasingly lonely. I had a huge party for my 40th and would really struggle now to have many people to invite if I was to organise a similar thing. Part of mine is life changes- kids getting older so losing that automatic social side to having young kids, I used to do lots of volunteering (committees, brownies etc) which was a good way to meet people but due to increasing work demands I just couldn't fit in now. Also a few really good friends have moved away and I've changed jobs a few times which means work friendships have changed. I'm also more introverted and quite happy in my own company and often have to force myself to make an effort with people - made worse by covid . The things I do find hard is dh has got a huge group of friends that have developed as mine have dwindled - while I was a sahm with a lovely close group of pals and he was working all the hours god sent he only went out once a month maybe with old uni mates and now he's out all the time with a close group of local blokes he's met through football
I'm similar to you, am introverted and usually have to force myself to engage with people. I've made some nice friendships with people at work but have let those lapse as I've changed jobs.
OP posts: