What do I need to disclose to family and new partner about past abusive relationships?

[Fightingback16]

There are some things that I have been through that I find incredibly hard to talk about. In real life only one person knows and that was my IDVA. People will judge me if I tell them because they will have no understanding of narcissistic abuse.

I am worried that when and if my ex gets some kind of contact with our daughter he will be using her to get to me via the things I’ve done in the past.

One extremely painful thing was he would not wear protection and literally ripped off condoms and I was young and had no idea what was going on. I chose to have an abortion which broke my heart. He was mad at my decision called me names, smashed up out flat and used this against me for many years, etc etc anyway not the issue….. I went through this twice before I realised what was happening and found the pill.

I really don’t want to tell my new partner of 9 months or my mum because I just don’t want to. What am I supposed to do?

There are other things I did that I am ashamed of but I know I was abused so that’s why I did it, others will not understand.

Why would you need to tell them?

Because he will tell our daughter once the court allows contact. I already have a message telling me that he will tell her all about her real mummy. She will not understand and will tell people in her life.

That is Parental alienation, make sure that your solicitor has that Text message.

Yes we have already been through all of this at court and he was found guilty of abuse and ordered to attend some courses etc before they look again at contact. But the judge has informed me that they are looking to reinstate contact, safe contact. He is a narcissistic ass so he will do this. Then everyone will know things I don’t want them to.

Having been in an awful relationship and had to go to a refuge and then completely relocate I totally understand your concerns.
A part of being in an abusive relationship is being coerced into doing things you wouldn't normally do and I hope you know that none of it or any decisions you have made because of it is your fault.

I have made a lovely new circle of friends who have no idea and when asked why I moved here from so far away I just say I wanted a change. One difference is my mum Knew slightly but has no idea of half the stuff that went on.

You don't need to tell anybody anything, if he tells your child anything about you then I would take it back to court and tell them what he is doing.
He is still trying to be in control and have you in fear of him and what he might do.

Him saying things about you shows more about him than you and people will see that.
Please don't feel obliged to tell anyone anything you don't feel comfortable with.
Could you raise your concerns with your solicitor? Honestly they would have heard it all before.