How do you get over resentment?

[BettyBet]

I know this is a problem that most of us mums have so feel free to let me know if I'm overreacting.

I'm not even sure how to word it but basically I feel like I massively resent my partner lately for doing whatever he wants, whereas I have to look after the kids and can't really do anything without permission.

Our DS is 18 months old, we broke up about two months after he was born due to me developing severe Postnatal Depression, I talked to him about it and he kept going out with his friends and leaving me with the kids... this was when Covid first started so I was stuck in the house not seeing friends and family but he was still going to work and his friends houses. I basically walked out on him because I felt so overwhelmed and I was suicidal due to the PND, but felt like he wasn't bothered.
We were separate for about a year, my mental health has got much much better thankfully and we decided to try our relationship again only three months ago. We don't live together but I've told him he can come see me and DS whenever he wants, but he only comes over two days a week and I sleep over at his once a week.

Over the past month he's gone out every weekend, and still only come to see DS twice a week. The first one that annoyed me was when he changed his work shift to start earlier so he could go to the pub to watch the football, I have no problem with him doing that except he only told me last minute and it meant he was with DS less than normal (if he saw him more than twice a week it wouldn't bother me as much). Then he went away with his dad overnight over that same weekend, so he didn't see DS that weekend. Sunday's are one of the days that he sees DS. I'm always the one to go to him to get him to spend time with DS on other days.

Then the next weekend is the one that's really got me. I told him I was going out on Saturday with a friend who lives a few hours away and I only see once a year. I only ever go out once a year and I'm always back by 11pm as I don't like getting drunk or staying out late. I gave him a weeks notice of this, but the day before I was going out I asked if he wanted to go anywhere together with the kids before I went out and he told me he couldn't because he's going drinking with his friends all day and sleeping over until Sunday night. Which meant I couldn't go out with my friend because my partner is the only babysitter I have for late night. I then told him I had already booked and paid for a nail appointment at the beauty salon, I never get any beauty treatments but I booked it ready for my night out and as I'd already paid for it I wanted to go, but then he told me that he was leaving early in the morning so I couldn't go.

The thing that bothered me most is that he told me all of this very last minute, literally the night before. Even though I told him I was going a week before! Then he got so drunk on the Saturday, he couldn't take care of DS on the Sunday!

It's left me massively resenting him. Why is it ok for him to just go off and do things without thinking about me or our son, but I can't do anything. I have to get my mum to babysit during the day for work, but I don't have anyone to babysit for anything else other than my partner.... DS's dad!

I asked him last week if he wanted to take our son to his playgroup whilst he's off work, he told me he couldn't because he got a notification off the NHS app to say he had been in contact with someone who had Covid and he needs to isolate. But he continued to do the school run for his other son, he went to the pub for breakfast with his friend and he took his other son to soft play... instead of isolating.

I have become more sensitive since having PND, so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. Hence why I'm here asking you 🤷

My partner's going out tonight to watch the football and I know that's not a problem, but I've found myself getting really annoyed because he's just doing it. Again he only told me this morning and it was very much, I'm doing this tonight bye. No second thought, I sleep over at his every Saturday and I have no problem with football, but I understand why he wants to go out to the watch it. But again I'm going to be left with our son, he'll probably be asleep by the time the match starts so I know it's not a problem and it's just because I'm annoyed at the other things but I'm starting to resent every little thing, even when they're not real problems.

I'm still taking medication for my PND and I speak to my GP regularly to make sure I don't get bad again. Is it just because I'm not fully over this? I feel like I'm being controlling if I say I don't want him to go out but I also feel like I'm very much on my own with DS.
I have spoken to him about it all recently, and he's said he knows he need to buck his game up but nothing has really changed since then.

Do not move back in with him! The only way to get over the resentment is to dump this loser!

@NotaCoolMum

Do not move back in with him! The only way to get over the resentment is to dump this loser!

I definitely won't be moving in with him anytime soon! I do still care about him and I want to make it work for our sons sake, is this even possible when I'm feeling like this?

You have to get over it or it will eat you alive. It's totally unfair, but it happens ALL THE TIME to mothers. It's shit, but try not to let it ruin your life.

You don't 'get over' resentment. You see if for the signpost it is.

No I don’t think so because he’s acting selfish and picking and choosing when to be a father while you do all the heavy work

He is not a partner. Or a decent father. He is not taking any responsibility at all, not is her offering you any support. I’m not surprised you feel resentful, and I don’t think you should try to get over it unless he has a radical behavioural shift first. Sounds as though you’d be happier on your own, then you wouldn’t be being constantly let down. You are doing ALL the heavy lifting anyway.

*nor is he offering you any support

Unfortunately you can't force a deadbeat dad non resident parent to step up and put in some effort. It's totally infuriating.

This isn't going to fail because you can't get over your resentment. Its going to fail because he sees being a Dad and partner as a very part-time job. Most men would have rearranged going out so that you could go to your nail appointment which is a small ask.

Why on earth would you want to get over there resentment. That resentment is a good emotion. It's telling you something is very wrong and needs to be addressed. He's an immature selfish arsehole.

There is a very good reason you began to feel better without him being part of your life.

Thank you so much everyone, for letting me know I'm not overreacting. I always second guess my gut feeling so having you let me know I'm not crazy has really helped my confidence in this matter.

@BettyBet

Never second guess your gut feeling. Your brain will lie, make stuff up, make excuses, hide the truth, and manipulate. Your brain is the bit of you that can be trained, and moulded, by your experiences, and by the way people treat you. It picks up habits, it learns tricks, it is a game player.

Your gut is the raw beast of you. The real you. The uninhibited truth of you. The heart of you.

Overreacting is when you do something, an action, which is excessive according to your own judgment. Not somebody else's. If somebody else thinks you're overreacting, you are reacting too much for them. There is no objective correct level of reacting.

Overreacting is an action, not a feeling. Feelings are signposts. Follow them. Spend time with people with whom you feel content and secure. Move away from those who make you feel worked up or resentful or any other negative thing.

'Oversensitivity' is often a bit like having a blister on your foot. You can barely handle any pressure on it at all because it's been pressured so much already. Yes, the area is sensitive, but it's got a good reason, and you don't cure it by continuing to add pressure, and ignoring the pain. You cure it by taking the pressure away.

You're not too sensitive. You're not overreacting. Your feelings of resentment and anger come from the real and raw you, and until that you is settled, you won't be able to feel that you're content, or respecting yourself. The real you is clamouring to be heard; listen to her. Respect her.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is just using you as a weekly shag . You will be much better off without this weight . You mental health will continue to improve .

It's no point giving up resentment when he's got no consideration for you or intention of changing. That would just turn you into a doormat and a robot.

Resentment is a valid emotion to feel in these circumstances and it is valuable - trying to tell you the situation isn't right. You're basically having the piss ripped out of you.

I bet him being a shit partner played into your PND originally.

Trying to make it work with someone this selfish (and controlling really - he sabotaged your plans to go out on purpose) is a huge mistake.

It's not in your son's interest to grow up watching a dysfunctional relationship where one parent does all the parenting, thinking and sacrificing and the other doesn't give a shit.

Don't let him move back in and don't keep trying to maintain a romantic relationship - I would absolutely break up with someone so disrespectful and immature.

He gives me the ick, he doesn't even care enough about his child to make the effort to factor them into plans - he just sees the child as an extension of you and therefore your responsibility by default.

That isn't what good parents do. It isn't what good men do.

Honestly OP, he's a shit partner and sounds like a shit dad too. You've done well to tackle the PND and being with someone like him will only drag you down.

You'll be a better version of yourself if you aren't in a relationship with him