I have been with my partner for 24 years. We have an 11-year-old son.
We never got married, I wanted to, but it never happened. When my son was born, my partner asked me to marry him, gave me a ring and then nothing was mentioned about it again. No plans were made and the subject was changed whenever I brought it up. I stopped wearing the ring because I thought it meant nothing.
Because I thought we were going to get married, I registered my son with his father's surname. I now feel like the odd one out in the family, like I am not worthy of the family surname.
Our relationship is sexless. The last time we had sex was the night my son was conceived. My partner pushed me away so eventually, I stopped trying.
About 3 weeks before my son was born, I found messages on my partners' phone, they appeared to be from another woman. I know I shouldn't have been looking. When I confronted my partner, he said they weren't his messages. It was a second-hand work phone he'd only just got and the messages were on the phone from the previous owner.
4 weeks after my son was born, my partner told me he was going abroad on a business trip. I later found out he didn't go to the country he said he was going to. He was in a different country altogether and it wasn't a business trip. He told me he couldn't cope with a new baby and had to get away for a break. He told me he'd book some counselling to deal with his issues. I forgave him, but I was gutted.
Four years ago my mum died of cancer and in her final year I visited her many weekends and stayed over as she lived a couple of hours away.
About a month after my mum passed away, my partner told me he had to go away on business, to the south of England. As the trust in our relationship had been damaged before, he showed me his phone with the booking for the hotel to prove he was going there. He phoned me once he'd got there and talked about his drive down and how bad the weather had been. He only staying one night and I got slightly suspicious because he packed about 3 changes of clothes that included a new casual outfit.
He was already back when I got home from work the next day, his bags unpacked and all his clothes were in the washing machine. I had a feeling something was going on so the next chance I got, I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't have.
On the booking site I saw that he had cancelled the hotel he said he was staying at but he'd booked another one in Scotland. I also saw multiple hotel bookings. Some were cancelled, others coincided with dates when I had been visiting my mother before she died. I was shocked. One of the rooms had cost £250. I have never stayed in a hotel that cost that much with him in our entire time together.
I confronted him and he totally denied going to Scotland. He was adamant he was in southern England on a work trip. I asked to see his work calendar so I could see the meetings booked in. I hate that I demanded he to prove to me where he was, but I feel he drove me to it. I knew he was lying, I could sense it, and I wanted him to admit it.
Finally, he admitted he had been in Scotland and not on business. He used to go there to work and said he missed it, so he decided to go there one last time and spend some time on his own.
I told him I wanted to leave, but I didn't have the strength. I was grieving my mother. I was also told my job was under threat at that time. Once again he said he would get counselling.
I pushed the issue aside and tried to get on with things. Four years later it's still on my mind. I don't trust him. I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone but I couldn't help myself. I don't know for sure what has gone on. All I know for sure is that the two times in my life that I have been at my most vulnerable, he has let me down. I've tried to forget it, but I can't get over the fact he blatantly lied to my face. I would never do that to someone.
I want to sell the house which we jointly own, leave him and move back to my hometown a couple of hours away, but I don't think I'll be allowed to do that because we have a son together.
I don't like living in the town I'm in. I've longed to move for years but my partner won't entertain the idea, even though he knows I'm unhappy. If I move, I'm worried I will lose my son.
We generally get on ok day to day, but I feel like I'm living a lie. We're not married, and there's no chance this will happen now. We never have sex. There are trust issues because of the lies. Whenever I discuss things with my partner, he says that we are both to blame. He feels like he is constantly living under the threat that I will leave because I don't want to live in this town. He's a good father to my son. Do I just carry on living this existence to keep the peace until my son has grown up, or should I leave?