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Original poster

What happens regarding children in separation?

27 replies

FluffieBabies · 03/07/2021 13:15

I want out of my marriage, but we have 2 children age 5. I thought we could have 'joint custody' so we both look after them, eg have them with me for 3 days and with him 4 days a week, as they are a handful and I wanted both of us to be involved, so the other can have a break. I heard on Mumsnet that one of us needs to be a primary carer. Does anybody know how it works or throw any more light on it for me?

OP posts:
Sakurami · 03/07/2021 13:25

We do 50/50.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 03/07/2021 13:28

It's usually up to the parents to decide, unless you both can't agree and then it would be decided by a judge. You can't force him to have more custody if that's not wants, but if you're both happy with 4/3 split of each week then you can share custody that way.

DaisyFeather · 03/07/2021 13:52

If you want 50/50 you need to do it in the way that best suits the children and you.

The most popular options are one week with each parent, 4/3 (but bare in mind that means one parent never gets a weekend) or 5/5/2/2 which does mean weekends are shared but can be more disruptive for the children.

You need to have a conversation and then it will be written into the separation agreement. Mine currently states I have DD during the week and STBXH has three weekends out of four but that when he returns to live nearby this will become one week alternating.

There’s nothing wrong with a 50/50 split and don’t let anyone try and make out there’s something wrong with you for not just wanting him to have EOW. I’ve had some horrendous conversations with family where I had to be explicit in that I know I will be a better parent if I get time to reset and DD will be a happier child once we can go to 50/50.

PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 13:54

Ignore what people say on MN and do what you want; I don’t think they are very keen on 50/50 on here so going to get views reflecting that

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 13:55

If he's keen on 50/50 then you can do your plan as long as he's willing to live near you so he can do school and nursery runs.

If he's not keen on 50/50 then he only has to have them as much as he's willing. The "average" is every other weekend and an overnight stay or dinner during the week that he doesn't have them at weekends.

Not sure 3/4 is the best way to do things since having a whole weekend is great for quality time (assuming that you both work Monday to Friday) as it means you'll be able to go away for the weekend to see extended family etc

category12 · 03/07/2021 14:04

It's up to you and your ex, what works for you all.

If you would be happy with 50/50 then why not? As long as you and he work to make sure it's easy for the dc to adapt and thrive. if they struggle you may need to rethink how it works.

I think being primary carer is only important if you actually want more of the residency of the children, or you expect child support or to get all the child benefit/any tax credits.

CiaoForNiao · 03/07/2021 14:19

If he's not keen on 50/50 then he only has to have them as much as he's willing.

What if OP isn't "willing" to have them more than 50/50? Why does the man get to decide?

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 16:38

Because the alternative is the children being cared by someone else like the grandparent or going into care. Many RP have the kids at home around the NRP's work because it's better than the NRP not seeing the kids at all.

CiaoForNiao · 03/07/2021 16:49

@TotorosCatBus

Because the alternative is the children being cared by someone else like the grandparent or going into care. Many RP have the kids at home around the NRP's work because it's better than the NRP not seeing the kids at all.
Well yes obviously. That wasn't my point though.

Why does the Dad get to decide he wants them less than 50%. Why does he get to chose to be NRP.
What if OP just said she was leaving and would see the DC Thursday-Sat for eg.

PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 16:51

Well she can but if he doesn’t want to have them either then they go into care which not many parents would be happy to do Confused

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 16:59

Because these kind of NRP knows that they can do what they want because the RP won't see the kids go into care and will pick up the pieces for their sakes.

Hopefully the Dad in this case wants 50/50 too but ime most NRP don't change their working pattern after divorce never mind actually have the kids for half of school holidays (6.5 weeks)

CiaoForNiao · 03/07/2021 17:01

Of course they would and no that's not what most parents want.

But again, my point was, why are we assuming Mum as default parent. Why does Dad get to decide he's not keen on 50/50 then he only has to have them as much as he's willing. If Mum decides she only wants them 25% of the time then Dad either has to provide the other 75% of care, or outsource it. Whether that's to his parents or SS is his issue.

CiaoForNiao · 03/07/2021 17:02

And at the moment neither parent is the NRP, and we don't know who works what hours.

PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 17:04

Because you can’t force someone to be a parent if they don’t want to? My kids dad doesn’t see them at all, no one can be forced man or woman.

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 17:07

Maybe the Dad wants 50% or more but the OP hasn't mentioned what her h is likely to want. Although this is not universally true, men who want 50% are a minority ime and are happy to see the kids one of their days off and have mum pay for childcare out of maintenance even when they know that maintenance is less than childcare.

Cotswoldmama · 03/07/2021 17:07

When my dad and step mum separated they shared custody 50/50 and change over day was Wednesday so they would have every other weekend with them.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/07/2021 17:10

Those people I know who do 50:50 do it along these lines:-

Monday after school to Wednesday drop off at school - with dad
Wednesday after school to Friday drop off at school - with mum
Friday pick up to Monday drop off - alternate

So a pattern of 2,5,5,2.

This seems to work well as mum can decide that she wants the kids to do swimming on her night and dad can choose brownies in his night (or whatever) and that always works. Plus kids know that eg Wednesday is always with mum. Also works better from a work point of view as can always stay late on a eg Tuesday,

CiaoForNiao · 03/07/2021 17:13

Exactly. We can't make parents of either sex do more than they want to. Therefore OP has that choice too. And she's already said she wants them less than 50%of the time.

monty09 · 03/07/2021 17:18

My ex has them Friday evening to Sunday evening eow then just Friday evening to 5 o'clock every other Friday. That was at his request and won't do anymore.
My DP has his every weekend and more where possible.

Livandme · 03/07/2021 17:25

Mine are older and I am driven by what they want. Ex now wants to change as he needs a break.. (he currently has them 1 night each weekend)
I've refused to change as its not what the dc want. He chose this routine and I'm not prepared to change every time he fancies it.
At 5 years old, I would say you need a pretty rigid system so the dc know where they are. Obviously I'd still allow for changes but not too many but that's just me

PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 17:35

Then the dad will be the resident parent so they will have a resident parent

Original poster
FluffieBabies · 03/07/2021 18:11

Thanks so much for all your help & comments!
I would prefer us to have them 50% of the time each, but originally said 3 days as I assumed one of us had to be a 'primary carer', ie have them more than half the week, but I was getting confused. He paid for the house so I thought he should keep that and thought he would need be primary carer for that reason, as I could only afford a small flat.
I am sure he would be fine with 50% care, obviously if not I would have them.

OP posts:
dreamsarefree · 03/07/2021 18:17

We do 50:50 - XH having Sunday - Wednesday, then me Wednesday - Saturday and we alternate Saturday nights. Total flexibility on weekends away and holiday as we are fair on a reciprocal basis as long as DS is happy. We've never designated one of us the RP/NRP and make joint decisions on things like school and medical care.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 03/07/2021 23:29

Unless your marriage has been very short, and even then maybe, houses are pensions are usually marital assets, meaning you will be entitled to a share. See a solicitor. 50/50 is fine. The 2255 mentioned above means DC get full weekend with both parents and 2 set weekdays/nights with each parent. If you want 50/50 might be a good option.

category12 · 04/07/2021 02:16

Is there a reason you're aiming low with the split of assets and outcome for yourself? (Guilt, low self esteem, being convinced by him you're not worthy?)

Please bear in mind you need to be able to support and house your children decently. Don't take less than you're due. Get proper legal advice.

If, for example, your work life took a hit due to raising the children while his did not, that is just as valuable a contribution to your family as any he made.