Anger & Communication issues - said something I shouldn’t!

[Onslow1964]

I’m wondering if someone could provide some advice. My husband and I have experienced three miscarriages during lockdown which has put a great deal of stress on our strong relationship. We’ve been together 10 years, married 5 and this is the first trauma we’ve experienced together, all in a short space of time. Both working from home during lockdown so not a lot to take our mind off things. I’ve been experiencing ugly feelings of anger through my grief, which I am guilty of taking out on him at times. He doesn’t communicate his feelings which did build up feelings of resentment and isolation during this difficult period. We are under a fertility centre and I’m having tests, he’s been told to quit smoking and is smoking more than ever working from home. Whenever I try to have a calm, adult conversation with him about a serious issues that’s bothering me he blows up, tells me I’m starting something and I need to pick my timings (no timing, day or night seems appropriate to him).
I tried to broach the subject of smoking last night calmly and maturely, which resulted in him storming off. I remained calm, followed him and told him I would not be treated like that when trying to have an adult conversation with my husband about something that is bothering me. It is adding stress that I do not need right now. He storms to bed, tells me I’ve spoilt the night and doesn’t speak to me until the next day when he pretends nothing has happened and acts all affectionate. This riles me even more. I try to explain, he tells me I’m starting it again, interrupts, doesn’t let me speak and I can feel my blood boiling. I tried to remove myself from the situation by going for a drive he races after me and I tell him ‘you’re no good for me and my mental health’ which is so awful I know and I actually meant ‘this situation is no good for me and my mental health’ I feel dreadful for saying this and explained myself but now I feel myself sinking. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression through all of this and receive counselling. This seems to happen every time as I don’t feel heard and then I get angry, and feel guilty and low for days afterwards. I keep telling him we need to work on communication, suggested counselling. All he does is tell me i keep repeating myself (because it doesn’t change) and nothing really changes. This happened when I tried to broach the subject of children years ago (he wasn’t ready, I was, I waited until he was and then this happens ). We can’t through life communication (or not communicating) like this.

Hi,
First of all, I am very sorry to hear you are going through this.
I myself was in this situation when trying for DS1 (turns out I have PSOC) in fact could have wrote this myself back then.
It is very hard not to resent your husband, expecially if he's not forthcoming in sitting down and talking things through.
I'm not really sure what the turning point for us was, but it was only about a year ago (we had a very rocky relationship all through my pregnancy with DS1 and until he was a year old - that's a whole other story though).
Anyway, turns out he was feeling unappreciated and that my attention was not on him. My constant 'nagging' and going over the same thing was irritating him. My suggestion of counselling was dismissed, (he now talks to someone and it has helped him deal with communication and affective techniques to express his feelings - turns out he has adhd too which was never diagnosed as a child - not that I'm saying your husband has, but if he chats to someone who isn't a part of the family it can help to pick up anything that my be more than just general communication issue's).
It may be your husband isn't sure how or what to say, he may not know how to support you so avoids the topic. It also has helped that I now try to word things a certain way that he doesn't feel attacked or nagged at. We have made a pact to never push the other to talk about something they dont want to but we explain why. (I.e - I don't want to talk about that right now, it upsets me or I'm not sure how to answer the topic without hurting your feelings). If the topic has to be addressed there and then though, we tend to take 10mins appart and think about what we want to say, or write down the points we want to make and take it in turns to speak whilst the other listens. ( was suggested by counseller). Doesn't always work but it's helped divert many arguments and gets us back on track.
I don't know if these will help but didn't think anything could help me and DH after what we went through, but when we were both open to the idea it's actually really helped out.
I wish you all the best and hope everything works out well for you both.

Sorry you're having a tough time op. But to be blunt, I dont know why you are considering bringing a baby into this 'relationship'. Especislly when you already have your own battles with depression to deal with. Doesnt sound like either you or the relationship are in a healthy place to be bringing kids into the world any time soon. Heck, it doesn't even sound like you like eachother very much.

Honestly op if I were you I'd take a massive step back, reevaluate the relationship, get my mental health back in track and then play things by ear.