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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave my partner?

26 replies

Mamaoftwo2112 · 02/07/2021 21:12

Ok so this might be a long one.
So my partner and I got together over two years ago. He is everything I've ever wanted apart from the fact
He sometimes likes to take cocaine (sometimes meaning at least once every six weeks)

When I first got with him I didn't realise he took cocaine or at least (very naivley) did not realise how much he enjoyed doing it and how much he saw it as a regular activity he enjoyed doing with his friends (girls and boys). Doing it with his girl Mates rightly or wrongly irritates me more as he will stay out late with them passed midnight sometimes until the next day.

As I spent more and more time with him and we went out partying he would use cocaine. I am very anti drugs and everytime he would take it out would make me feel uncomfortable, he would never want to leave the party and always say he was coming to bed and carried on until early morning the next day sometimes even 9/10am.

During the early days I tried to give him an ultimatum that I never want him to do it again and I won't be able to continue a relationship if you can't stop. He said he would stop as the drugs were not as important as me (stupidly I believed him). However as weeks passed he started to hint at taking it again and when I would try to bring up his promise he started saying things like "you are trying to control me, you don't want me going out with my friends" etc.

He has since lies about taking the drug when he has been out which I have found out about numerous times.

Now we are in a situation where I don't want him to go out because 1. I think he will be likely to take drugs (all his friends do) and 2. Because if he does I'm scares he will lie to me and will never find out.

I am going completely out of my mind over this and part of me just wants to leave this relationship so I don't go through this vicious circle with him.

This is my first post and I know I have made some silly decisions so please be honest just not too brutal!!

Thank you to anyone who takes out the time to respond to this!

OP posts:

Geppili · 02/07/2021 21:15

I would think seriously about leaving him. He has a drug problem.

Elmer83 · 02/07/2021 21:16

Yep 100% leave! You are not suited. Coke makes people very selfish. He is already putting it before your relationship and your officially in the “honeymoon” stage so….RUN

BashandWhizz · 02/07/2021 21:17

Kind of been there and a leopard never changes his or her spots.

nimbuscloud · 02/07/2021 21:18

Leave

RaginaFalangi · 02/07/2021 21:23

Run for the hills op

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2021 21:25

Why are you still compromising your own anti drugs stance and principles by being in a relationship with this man?. You may well love this man but you may be confusing this with codependency. You’re in a dysfunctional relationship with an addict and drugs for him will always come first.

You must be getting some need of yours met out of this because why would you be with him otherwise?. Does part of you still hope that he will quit his use of drugs because you love him?. Only he can decide if he wants to quit and he simply does not want to. He neither wants your help or support and besides which what can you do to help him?. Nothing, you cannot enforce change and you can only change how you react to him.

I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood and love your own self for a change. This man does not love you and you cannot rescue and or save him from the choices he freely makes.

Unanananana · 02/07/2021 21:27

He will choose drugs over you every single time. Plus it makes users so very dull. Self absorbed arseholes.

Is that how you want any future children to be treated? Do you want that to be your long term, second best to shit that he spends family money on then snorts up his nose?

You are worth so much more.

B1rdflyinghigh · 02/07/2021 21:39

You said how you felt. He's ignored your thoughts. Move on

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/07/2021 21:44

He's made it VERY clear that he's not going to stop using coke. So you either kick him into touch and find someone whose attitude to drugs more closely matches yours, or you just accept that you're fucking a coke head, enjoy the sex, and always use condoms with him because cokeheads are even more likely than the average human to fuck another cokehead whilst sniffing. The boring bastards.

floatingboater · 02/07/2021 21:44

Yes you should. He won't give up the drugs for you.

chickenyhead · 02/07/2021 21:46

Oh OP.

Think 3/5 years down the line. You have a child, he still does this. Would this be OK? What if you were both saving for a house and he wasted money on this?

For me, being anti drugs, this would be a no. Having a healthy boundary is not controlling anyone but yourself. You CHOOSE whether to be around people who do this. He CHOOSES to do it despite your boundary. It is a choice on both sides.

You clearly cannot trust him and I am not surprised. No trust, no respect, no relationship.

seensome · 02/07/2021 22:02

Yes you should leave him, his life style is not yours, you're not compatible, I wouldn't want to be with a man that takes drugs and parties a lot, not many would! He's not going to change, at least for a very long time, he's not the kind to want to spend cosy nights settling down with you.
Out with girl mates lol you've got your blinkers on, he's fooling around with other women, cheating on you most likely.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 22:02

Regardless of the drug problems, and purely looking at your emotions, yes, you should leave.

People who feel that they are in a healthy relationship with a partner who is good for them don't post this question. So you know, really. You just need validation.

QuimKardashian · 02/07/2021 22:12

By not leaving when you say you are, you are just condoning his habit

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 02/07/2021 22:24

I'm not anti-drug, but I do think that cocaine is particularly dangerous. It is incredibly addictive. I think it should never be legalised. I'm basing that on having been stuck in a cycle like this in the past.

He's going to need to want to quit this himself. Making him feel guilty about this will not cure his addiction, unfortunately.

The first step to quitting, if he wants to is for him to give up alcohol. Alcohol and cocaine mix together in the liver to form cococetalyte, which increases the feelings of euphoria. It's also very toxic. I would recommend suggesting that he reads up about it.

He would also need to stay away from his friends, unless they're not taking it. It takes an incredible amount of willpower to be in the same room as other people who are taking it and not have some.

In this particular case, the frequency of these parties and even some drug-taking wouldn't bother me. But the fact that it's cocaine, and he's coming in so late, which also means he's clearly taking a large amount, really wouldn't make me keen on continuing the relationship.

tct131416 · 02/07/2021 22:44

I've literally just gone no contact with my DP of 2 years and this was one of the main reasons.

He also made out he did it very irregularly, turns out everytime he's drinking he does it as do all his friends. I tried to ignore it and my own thoughts on it but it just eats and eats at you.

I've had all the conversations: ok I'll not do it (very early in relationship), it's not your problem what I do when I'm not with you, you're trying to control me, you're trying to change me, you're trying to stop me seeing my friends, you're only against it because it's illegal it's only like alcohol or smoking.

I concluded that either you accept them doing it despite knowing you're compromising yourself or they end up lying to you about doing it. Neither are a good option.

I personally think it points to bigger problems ie. why are his friends all drug users (they do say friends are a reflection of yourself), why can't he just not do it (addicted), why would he choose to do it despite knowing I hate it (disrespect), what is wrong with him that he HAS to do it.

Sorry, not a very positive reply but I'm in such a similar boat I had to reply!

tct131416 · 02/07/2021 22:47

Also, the problem is when all their friends do it is that they normalise it and try to convince you it's you that's just naive and a prude. I also got told that a lot too.

Original poster

Mamaoftwo2112 · 02/07/2021 22:54

Thank you!!! Very helpful and empathetic response at a time I feel so low about it! I hope your situation also works itself out!

OP posts:

Frownette · 02/07/2021 23:04

Don't stay, I just turned down someone who likes me because he does coke once a month. Lovely bloke, but no. Don't abandon your principles.

You'd always be worrying. GL with it

Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 23:12

Do you live together, Mamaoftwo, and if you don't mind me asking, how old is your boyfriend?

Coke has never tempted me but I've known people who did it occasionally, socially, when they were in their twenties. Then it stopped.

minmooch · 03/07/2021 10:11

From your user name I think you must have children. Do you want them brought up with this in their lives?

You know he takes drugs. You are still with him. He knows your threats to leave him if he continues are empty.

He won't stop if he hasn't already now. The drug are more important than you.

nimbuscloud · 03/07/2021 10:20

I’ve just seen your other post this morning about him going to watch football tonight leaving you - yet again - with your newborn baby
Please get him out of your and your children’s lives

MarshmallowSwede · 03/07/2021 10:21

When choosing a partner ultimately you have to choose someone who has the same values as you do.

You said you are anti drug, therefore you do not share the same values about drug use as your partner.

This would be a deal breaker for me as drug use does not align with my values. So I would leave. If you think this is something your partner can work on and change, and you’re willing to invest time on that then work on it.

Again personally, I would not invest more time on a man who does drugs, but ultimately you have to decide if this is something you think is actually an occasional thing or actually an addiction.

6 weeks is frequent. Just in general drug use I consider anti social and not something you want in your relationship. So I would just leave and find a man who doesn’t do drugs.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/07/2021 17:45

As I spent more and more time with him and we went out partying he would use cocaine.

He has since lies about taking the drug when he has been out which I have found out about numerous times.

You've got kids. They aren't his.

What are you thinking having such a shitty relationship in their orbit?!

nimbuscloud · 03/07/2021 19:19

You've got kids. They aren't his.

Her brand new baby is his.

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