Friend lied to me and I feel used

[Touchtoomuch]

I have been friends with this person for nearly a year. I kind of got the feeling I was being used a bit the last couple of weeks and now it has been confirmed and that they lied to me. It isn't actually over anything particularly major, I wouldn't have been bothered by the truth in the slightest. But being used and lied to has hurt and don't know whether I'm being ridiculous. I would like to stay friends as we have similar hobbies but I get the feeling I was just someone to fill some time with and I now don't trust whether they actually want to continue being mates or whether they are doing it out of sympathy. We're meant to be meeting up this weekend for a shared hobby. I'm not sure whether to just cancel it or to swallow what I'm feeling down, put on a friendly face and hopefully go and enjoy myself. I don't want them to feel obligated to go so really unsure what to do.

Could you give a bit more info about the lie ? If it's not outing. Might help to determine if you're justified.

Also, will there be other people at the shared hobby ? If there are it would be a shame to miss out on something you enjoy because of this.

In time it will hurt less and you can break away.

Go if you would enjoy it. Don't if you won't

Stop altogether and permanently with questioning whether or not your feelings are ridiculous, and whether you should hide them.

Your feelings are all you have. Put yourself in situations and with people who make you have good feelings. Avoid all else as much as you can.

This person has lied, and yet you are concerned about their feelings. Why is this the dynamic? If they were concerned about your feelings, they'd have know that lying would make you feel bad, and they wouldn't have done it. So there's an imbalance.

I'm not necessarily suggesting you do it, but what would be their response if you said to them 'When you lied about xyz the other day, it really bothered me. Why did you?'

Thanks for replying. My feelings to be are more important but I care about my friend and their feelings. But I guess mine need to come first.

The hobby is sometimes a group setting but this weekend was just meant to be us two.

I worry that if I call this lie out they'll just drop me. Which actually answers my own questions. There is no friendship as we should be able to talk about things.

The lie is convulted and outing but really isn't important to the friendship. It doesn't make me feel different about them but the lying does.

I worry that if I call this lie out they'll just drop me. Which actually answers my own questions. There is no friendship as we should be able to talk about things

Good to recognise this.

Small inconsequential lies are worse than big ones sometimes, because with big ones, it makes more sense why they lied. With little ones, it's more about fully not understanding the motivation for lying, which is destructive in itself.

I really hate lies on all levels. Even if they are small, it makes you feel like you have to assume everything the person says is untrue and that's no way to have relationships.

I know you're feeling rejected but you'll pick yourself up in time & move on.

@Blueskytoday06 thank you. I think my mum always hated us lying so I see them the same way. Tbh I don't trust them any more and I know that sounds dramatic but I thought I knew them better than this. Now everything has been thrown off course.

I'm going to wait to see if they contact me. If not I'll drop a text before we're due to meet to ask if we're going or not. Then leave the ball firmly in their court but I'm now not bothered about going at all.

Just keep them as a hobby friend not someone to rely on too much.

What was the intention in the lie? To decieve you? Or to save themselves embarrassment, keep something private? Couldn't be bothered to go into detail?

The reason for the lie would be a big factor for me. Also a big part of being a friend is someone to fill time with, that's not a negative. If she enjoys your company and makes time for you and vice versa that is a big part of friendship. If either finds it a chore to see the other then it is a problem.

Without going into too much detail - a friend told me dubious stuff this week that conflicts with previous conversations we've had.

I'm wary now of what she says but think I understand why she lied. I suspect the truth does not reflect well on her.

I've decided to be less invested in the friendship but remain having regular contact. I'm disappointed in the dishonesty and would rather she'd said nothing that lied.

@Sally872 tbh I'm not entirely sure why lie. I guess it was to keep things private maybe but we had already spoken about the topic before and I'm actually pleased for them over all, which is why I don't understand why lie to me about it.

I know it makes sense about filling time but half the things suggested are ultimately not going to happen and I'm finding that nearly all the leg work is coming from me. It's upsetting because I'm going through a bit of a tough time and I thought they understood and wanted to help support me as I have done in return but actually I feel they have used me until they have got their life back on track.