Sensitive person - how to navigate life? Anyone else?

[doorornottodoor]

I’m really sensitive and take things quite deeply to heart. I worry a lot about what people think of me.

I really envy those who don’t seem to care what others think, who let criticism or friendship issues wash over them.

A couple of examples- being left out of group meet ups really upsets me and makes me not want to bother with friends at all. I had a criticism at work recently (partly fair partly unfair) and I am really upset about it, running over and over it in my head. Slight falling out with a friend who is very bossy, on a day out she bossed me about/ criticised my driving and I pulled her up (jokingly) now she’s pretty much blanked me on SM and I am really upset. I don’t know why as I don’t even like her that much.

Anyone else? I have had counselling recently as it was affecting family relationships (I was resentful of step sister as I have helped and supported her over the years but she is quite dismissive of me which hurts deeply and makes me resentful) and the counsellor seemed to think I was just very emotionally tender and I should accept/embrace that part of myself and the upsides of being sensitive. But it doesn’t make it any easier to navigate others and relationships.

Anyone else?

I try to assume things are probably not about me - someone might be having a bad day, etc. In the last 2 days two situations where I felt a bit hurt, it has turned out both times it was due to the other person's circumstances.

@Powerof4 thank you. Yes that sounds like a good idea. I think it’s exacerbated by the fact I’m probably both quite intolerant and sensitive. Deadly combination! I would just love to move on and not let things get to me.

I’m very similar to you OP. Powerof4 amazing advice!!!

Sensitivity is a super power. Yes, things hurt a lot, but those hurts are signals, and they are to be respected and listened to. Your navigation task isn't about having more favourable responses to being treated in the ways you mentioned. It's about steering away from situations and people who make you have unfavourable responses in the first place.

In short, your sensitivities are signposts. If you feel bad in someone's company, then be in their company less.

Your feelings are the basis of who you are. The upset person inside of you probably had her hurt feelings shushed as a child, and now has the habit of shushing herself on a regular basis. She's never been heard. Listen to her; she's the real you.

When I was younger I thought I was quite sensitive, but it turns out I was just surrounded by people who weren't very nice! So I was being triggered a lot basically.

I stopped hanging out with most of them and started being more selective with friends/relationships (this took a while). I'm still a bit sensitive but I find it much easier to talk myself out of it now, because normally things are pretty good.

So I agree about embracing it but it will be easier if you don't have too many unpleasant people in your life. Bossy friend sounds awful.

Have you tried CBT instead of counselling? It will help you get perspective where you know you're possibly sensitive.

Nobody who cares about you will minimise your responses by saying you're being 'too sensitive'. People can't control how they feel (or we'd all fall in love with the right people at the right time, and make ourselves 'want' to go to the gym and hate chocolate)

We can only change our reactions to how we feel.

Sensitive people sometimes suffer from anxiety and low self esteem. Self care and establishing boundaries with others is the key to surviving those overwhelming feelings. I was trampled on in my youth, but by mid-life I had changed and learned the word 'no'. I value my time as I don't have that much free time. With that came a certain guardedness towards 'bossy' people and such like. This is the approach I suggest you use to deal with difficult people and situations. Put yourself first. That is not selfish. People who like you will do so unconditionally. They are good friends. The rest are just cruising alongside you, and may or may not cause you offence. You need to turn the volume down on these folk so they cannot tunnel into the real soft centre of yours. This is not an overnight skill, but you have to firstly learn to let go. If you feel rejected, badly treated or ignored, then just let go of those feelings. Meditation helped me to do that and it is liberating to not care about the negative impact of others. It leaves you feeling powerful. You can retain empathy and tolerance for others, but also have boundaries about what you will accept from others. Your bossy friend would have been walking home if she started on about my driving!

God you lot are amazing . I feel a bit tearful really ❤️. I’m going to reread all your brilliant words again. Lots to think about. And it’s so good to not feel alone. My husband is really supportive but he’s very different and just shrugs off these situations. He’s quite level whereas I am much more passionate about things, people, ideas and places.

Funnily enough I have met a friend recently who is really like me and it’s been lovely to connect on that level. I also have a few other really good friends who “get it.” You’re right I should focus on those people.

The other people are ones I share a hobby with so I was really pleased to get to know them as friends rather than acquaintances as we have our hobby in common but being left out, bossy friend etc.. has left me feeling down.

I think another thing is I invest a lot of emotional energy into my friendships. Maybe a card, a text, a gift etc… try to be thoughtful. Not in a stalker way just in a good friend way. So when that’s not reciprocated it is hurtful and I take it personally. But I’m learning that we’re all different and that I need to maybe lower my expectations of them.

Ps I think it is possibly related to low self esteem. As my parents were always quite critical of me growing up.

Sounds like generalised anxiety. Something I suffer with and take meds for. Took a while to kick in but once it did all the over analysing situations and conversations went away and it didn't bother like it used to.

Someone told me recently that you need to surround yourself with radiators not drains and I quite liked that as a piece of advice.

Spend time with people who make you feel warm - not those who suck your energy from you.

The thing is that when people hurt you, it IS personal, but not in the way that you mean.

It's personal the other way round. Your hurt is your natural revulsion to them, or to their behaviour. YOU are making a personal judgment of THEM.

The only reason you haven't been seeing it this way is because you don't respect your own feelings and you put theirs on a pedestal. It's like being punched and then worrying that your black eye will offend the person who punched you.

Your hurt is a valid thing that you need to listen to. It's very important. It's crucial to listen to it, otherwise you won't learn to avoid it. And then you will have more hurt than you need to, and less room in your life for things like hilarity and affinity and understanding and other warm, fluffy, cuddly feelings.

I have adhd, which comes with a dollop of rejection sensitivity.

I mostly just avoid people now.

Wow OP I could have written this myself. I totally get where you're coming from.
I struggle so much with friendship rejection (eg if I text a friend to arrange a meet up & they don't reply). I over analyse it and get upset and it makes me feel low.
I try my best to brush it off, pick myself up and concentrate on those who love me but fear I'm papering over the cracks. The feeling keep pushing their way through.

What TheFoubdations said resonates, wise words which I will try to remember myself.

Have you read any self help books? I think that may work for me but am unsure which book(s) are relevant (there's so many!). Might work for you too.