Those that have knowledge of narcissistic abuse I would like a few mins of your time please.

[Fightingback16]

I think over the past few weeks I have learnt a few things and just wondered if anyone thinks this sounds about right?

It’s been over two years since I left emotional and narcissistic abuse and boy it has taken me down as far as a person can go. I’ve been lost in space, no ground, no identity no idea what has gone on and no way to actually get my brain in a state where it can or wants to process it. I’ve just been surviving.

I think I have come to realise something and it’s been quite profound for me. There was actually nothing wrong with me at all, he instigated all my shame and my fears. He used them not because he was actually effected by them or because they are bad but because they worked as a tool to manipulate me. He created things to use against me and he figured out things that I struggled with that a normal healthy person who loved me would not. Everybody has traumas of some kind and in healthy relationships these are nurtured.

So I’ve been ashamed of my emotions, I don’t let them show, I run from people who want to hug me or console me because I think I’m over emotional and not normal. Unfortunately my upbringing made me like this, my mum is to blame. But no I’m not over emotional I’m a normal person who feels and sometimes acts out and sometimes makes mistakes that later I can apologise for. It is my right to react the way I do it is who I am. I had an emotional breakdown at the end because he stopped the natural flow of energy and it destroyed my brain and body.

So I’ve decided that a) there is nothing wrong with me, there never was, In fact unfortunately I was chosen because I was something he wanted to be, someone who could feel. I have my childhood traumas but that doesn’t make me unloveable and someone who loves me me will never deliberately hurt me with this.
And b) I am allowed to be emotional, I am allowed to make mistakes, throw my toys out of the pram, argue, say things that I can apologise for when I realise I’ve made a mistake, loose people and be sad if I am wrong and all those other normal human things.

I’ve also come to realise that my entire 10 year marriage was a lie from beginning. The good times were created the bad times created. That is why when I look back I don’t know the person I was, I was a stranger to myself, I had invisible strings…

What a truly awful thing to now have to realise.

Firstly,

Secondly, yes that sounds like you are starting to make sense of your experience. I spent quite a long time working out what had happened to me. I read widely. I had therapy. It's necessary.

I certainly felt like my relationship had been a lie. That HE was a lie. A self carefully constructed and I was used and manipulated. A few years later and I feel a bit better about it. I don't think I was wrong to think it was a lie, but it was his lie. I was genuine. I tried. I loved. I didn't fail. I can now think about some of the good times and feel they were real.

Keep going. You can be angry or whatever you are feeling. It's valid. Just keep moving through it.

Yes @ConfusedNoMore I was genuinely in love at the beginning even if it was all created and I was genuinely scared out of my mind and disassociated. A truly terrifying experience to look back on.

Wow! Look at you go! You’re making such huge steps!

People who did this to you did it to make themselves look better by making you worse than them.

I told my ex “to make me look bad, you have to lie. To make YOU look bad, all I have to do is tell the truth!”

And this is it in a nutshell

You’re a good person, you may not see all of it, but others will if you let them.

Time for you to rise and soar now! Well done on getting out the other side.

Are you having any therapy? I’d highly recommend it to help you keep momentum with the reclamation of yourself

All the best of luck to you!

You are spot on to say that everything you have with this person was creates. Narcissists manufacture situations to get you to react because they feed off your emotions.

Well done on getting out. You have learnt so much since, and I would recommend therapy or counselling to heal yourself further.

So that means I have been right standing in the way of him and my daughter. I’ve stopped him for 2 years now having any contact and I’ve doubted myself and I’ve stood and represented myself and felt bloody awful but my heart and my gut says he is a danger. If only the court system really understood.

@Fightingback16

So that means I have been right standing in the way of him and my daughter. I’ve stopped him for 2 years now having any contact and I’ve doubted myself and I’ve stood and represented myself and felt bloody awful but my heart and my gut says he is a danger. If only the court system really understood.

Do you have any support from Women's Aid or similar with that?

I agree with the others who have said therapy is a must, it makes such a difference in the way and speed with which you will recover

It is very very hard to represent yourself in court and very very hard to make judgements on risk about your child and their father.

Have you got some support from somewhere?

I never stopped contact but went through lengthy court proceedings to make my son safe. Everyone has an opinion. Loads of people like to say they would do this or that. You can only do your best and speak up for what you think is right.

It takes a long time to unravel the hurt and damage caused by a narc. It will always be with you, that fear that someone can distort your reality but you are wiser.

You sound as though you are begining to believe yourself, it can only happen if you distance yourself from them. You know they never like to lose a hold on you so any reason for him to control will be used.

With you it is your daughter, this battle is something he wants to win, you know that. Many others do not understand, even profesional bodies and that will be hard to get through as he will try to discredit you.

On another note my partner was a narc but it seems it is genetic in our case, one of our children is also like him and how they admire one another for it.

I hope you keep going upwards with your recovery, it's a hard slog, there is so much to repair and so much that can be unbelivable that it's impossible to garner understanding from others as quite frankly it beggars belief. The years passing will help and others will see you are not irrational as he portrayed you, others will begin to believe you.

It's all part of the show, all the worlds a stage for them and it takes time convincing the audience that you were not the baddie.

Good luck

Nothing to add really, other than to say congratulations on getting away and the scales falling from your eyes
It really is shocking when you see things as they were. I have been there and still feel the pain of realisation 5 years and 3 bouts of therapy later.

Yes I’m going through the courts and they have denied contact at the moment. They do see a little of what he was like but I doubt very much they understand that fully as they want contact to resume once he has passed some of there tests. I unfortunately know exactly why he wants contact so I’m trying to fight my hardest but I unless he gets bored which I doubt it is going to be so very hard.

@Fightingback16

Yes I’m going through the courts and they have denied contact at the moment. They do see a little of what he was like but I doubt very much they understand that fully as they want contact to resume once he has passed some of there tests. I unfortunately know exactly why he wants contact so I’m trying to fight my hardest but I unless he gets bored which I doubt it is going to be so very hard.

The problem with court is that it is drama. Narcs love it. Once they rule and things settle down, hopefully it will get easier as it did for me.

Ex never wanted the contact he asked for. He just wanted to punish me and to appear to be a good father, not actually be one. It's hard but an awful lot easier than it was.

Keep going. You'll get through.

One breath at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Heat felt congratulations on getting out.

I’ve been feeling so flawed and ashamed of myself I’ve been wondering what was wrong with me for him to be so bad to me, what did I do so wrong and it is a relief to realise that there is nothing wrong with me and that those bits I do not like were created by him so I can let them go.

Finding my feet and my voice again is challenging when in those 10 years I have been denied my identity and my growth and I’ve stagnated in all the issues he gave me. My identity became about making it up to him and making his life better and worrying about what I was doing/not doing.

I’m actually an ok person I think but just have these awful memories of the things I did and the person I became. I barely recognise my memories, I’m really in them.

I’m going to try and live for all the good things now and forget about him. I will try and let people in and trust them when they are being kind to me.

Be kind to yourself. Don't be ashamed. It wasn't your fault. I'd really recommend counseling if you can access it.

The good times were created the bad times created

Thank you. I'll keep that nugget close to my heart. That sums up my relationship with the narc in my life.

I'm just enjoying the post mini-hoover silence.

Also, 'to make me look bad you need to lie. To make you look bad all I have to do is tell the truth.'