Friends not involving me any more

[IAmJustWondering]

I grew up in a friendship group of 6 people, right from reception until the end of highschool when we all stayed in touch, known eachother for 22 years this year. Best friends, always met up even when we went to different colleges and unis / apprenticeships in different locations but now we live further apart, around an hours drive but most of them drive and I can't afford. I also had a rare diagnosis 5 years ago and it had an impact in my ability to travel. But I did went along when I could and always communicated to say why I could not go. Tried to do phone calls to stay in touch as well.

One of the girls got married last January. Her and her wife had 6 bridesmaids each at their wedding and the other 4 were bridesmaids, along with 2 other women, but I wasnot asked. I only found out on the day of the wedding, as no one spoke about that before. I was not sure why this happened and wondered all weekend if something is wrong between us. It was her wedding her choice, I tried not to be upset about it, but I was, as we have always been as friendly to eachother as we are to everyone else in the group.

I keep seeing them posting photographs on Facebook when they meet up but no one is telling me or sending invitation to me and I feel sad. When I asked about it, it was brushed off or they say it was short notice planning and they thought I couldn't make it so did not mention. I have a step kid but I'm not the only one of us with kids and my step kid doesn't live with me full time so I am sometimes available.

Am I unreasonable to feel hurt that they don't seem to bother with me any more? I have tried to discuss but it gets brushed under the rug. Im debating between deciding not to bother any more or to make a plan for a gathering in my flat and invite them all and try to make mends. I do not have other friendships so this is hard for me.

English is a second language for me so I apologise if this is phrased a bit wrong.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Whatever their reasons, its incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end of their behaviour. When you raise it and its brushed off, its a form of gaslighting (maybe unintentionally but even so).

Honestly op, as much as it hurts I think you need to move on from them. They are clearly not going to give you the answers you'd like and will probably turn it round on you and make you feel in the wrong for pushing the matter. T

The very best thing you can do for your self esteem and sanity is to build new friendships. It will take time, but you will find other friends who will become close (I speak from experience).

You might also find that once you let it go, some of the group come back to you. Sometimes with friendships "least said, soonest mended".

In the meantime, focus your energies on other and new friendships will bolster your self esteem and stop you from being perceived as the 'sad' friend.

I also have a friend who is very sensitive to perceived slights (not likening her to you btw!) but every possible spontaneous catch up between more than 2 of the group, or any missed communication is taken personally - they feel left out every time. Its very challenging for the rest of us as this friend genuinely has the wrong end of the stick. I'm not saying you do, but I'd be surprised if the whole group has turned against you, so if you focus on friendships which pay out as much as you invest in them, you'll probably find things improve with those friends in your group who aren't deliberately excluding you. Whenever I've seen this happen before, it tends to be 1 or 2 people who are the driving force and the rest are ignorant of what's going on or just staying out of it to keep the peace.

Oh, thank you so much @TaraR2020. I feel so incredibly validated hearing someone's outside perspective. I do suspect that it is maybe 2 of them who are driving this strange lack of communication with me, like you say. I did even wonder if one of them might have stated they asked me if I could go to their recent meeting up and told everyone else I couldn't go without actual asking me, because it seems out of character for a couple of the others to not include me at all, they usually make so much effort to include all people. But that is just speculation. But you are right, maybe some of them will come back and start talking to me individually if I withdraw away from the larger group.

I just feel so hurt and left out. No body likes to feel this way... But I feel extra hurt because they are my only friends. I am so anxiety-full, it is hard to meet new people. But I'm so so lucky I have my husband. He and my other family are the main people I need in life so perhaps I focus on these for a while and see what happens.

Thank you for reading and for validating me so much.

Having been in a similar situation I'd leave them to it. No point chasing people.
Find other friends who you can rely on.
I know it really hurts but people like this are not good for your wellbeing. They don't deserve you.

I'm glad you feel we helped, op. It's not easy but things will work out.

I appreciate that you struggle to meet new people, I'm very shy and was the same, but I kept putting myself out there and it got easier to do so. Just remember that a lot of people are shy/reserved when first meeting even if they seem confident - its not a reflection on you. Summon your courage and find ways to meet new people - local activity groups and clubs etc and you'll find another tribe.

I.hate when women operate like this - I'm not aware men do but I may be wrong. Its so cruel.

How about planning something like a party or BBQ that's lovely for your family and focus on that for a bit?

Do you have a wider friendship circle? Other friends you may have in work or local to you ?
Sometimes these things happen and as we get older our priorities change
This says more about them than you . They don't sound very nice at all
You deserve better 💐