I've been battling depression for years now and just when I thought I had it under control it rears its ugly head and I start feeling flat.
I have to admit, I've never been in love with my H, I won't use the DH as he's definitely not D. We've been married for many years, children have grown, one has moved out, the other has a full time job but still lives at home. Up until Covid stopped me, I did quite a bit of volunteer work at a local primary school while getting some relief work as a teacher's aide. I still get relief work but it's not enough. H has been supporting me since I gave birth and still does, but again, with the cost of living rising continually, it's not enough. At my age and trained for nothing, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get back into the workforce.
This is where I feel trapped.
I can't stand the sight of my H. The older he's getting, the more abusive he is. A few weeks ago, I got verbally abused, the finger pointed at me, screamed in my face, all because I opened a window in the toilet.
It's winter here, he had the fireplace going but the toilet in question is halfway up the house behind two closed doors.
I feel another lashing this afternoon when he gets home because someone left his bedroom door open and one of my cats got in there and peed on his bed. Yes, it's gross, Yes I understand, it would piss me off too, but no one was home all day but me and I didn't go anywhere near that bedroom until he got home. I went to the loo and noticed the door was open. Guess who opened it? Him, not me, him. In case you haven't put 2 & 2 together, we haven't slept in the same room for over a decade. He snores like a freight train and when I asked him if he would consider going to a Dr about it, I got a hard NO, end of conversation. So what am I suppose to do? Never sleep again. So I moved out.
Back to the cat. There's no way he's going to take responsibility for the door, because in his opinion, my cats, my problem. So what does he expect me to do? Follow everyone around the house making sure all doors are closed at all times so the cats don't go in. They have clean litter trays so that is not an issue.
I just want out. I can't stand this anymore but I have no money of my own. I could do some courses, get some certificates behind me, but that takes money. To pay for the courses I need a job, If I had that, I would need the certificates.
A while back I got abused because the children's guinea pigs had no water. I got the pets to teach the kids responsibilty, so why blow shit out of me? Have a go at the kids, not me.
I know not everyone on here is not going to agree with me, and that's ok, but I'm feeling so fragile, please be kind.
I just don't know what to do anymore.