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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Given him another chance but..

17 replies

Mum330 · 01/07/2021 20:25

I gave my partner another chance very recent for our relationship but since we have talked he has said he doesn’t like my mum and other members of my family and wants little to do with them, my mum and dad recently said they would take us on a weekend break and pay for it, as my partner suggested this last year but he said he couldn’t think of anything worse! I said I still want to go with the kids but he isn’t keen. Now I’m thinking if if he doesn’t like my family will we work? Am I in the wrong still wanting to go away?

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 01/07/2021 20:35

Hello OP. When you say you gave him a second chance, what do you mean by that? Did he cheat on you? Is he violent? People sometimes do not get along with their in-laws but they should still be civil and respectful. This does not have to be the reason to break the relationship, it is all about how he treats you. If he does not want to go I think it is fine, but you should definitely go, that is if you want to, of course.

Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 20:48

Thanks for your reply loveyourself2020, no he didn’t cheat or wasn’t violent saw a nasty side of him a few times but he would never hit me, our relationship broke down he didn’t want to communicate with me or be affectionate or sleep with me, he would be sarcastic a lot of the time been like this for long time he said he was happy and thought that was normal. He hasn’t had a good reason really not to like my mum as only seen her once in a year due to covid, yes want to go away but wasn’t sure if I should, but at the point where will do what I want why should I miss out and the kids if he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
66babe · 01/07/2021 20:50

I'd thank your parents from the bottom of your heart and take just you and the kids away for a wee break while he gets the fuck out of your life
What a tosspot

Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 20:56

66babe that’s what I feel tbh but I’m to nice trying to keep everyone happy but think as time goes on will just not care any more if carry’s on! Are men worth it?!

OP posts:
66babe · 01/07/2021 20:58

Some men are worth it yes ... this one is not
Have some time on your own to rethink your expectations and concentrate on your children
Enjoy your wee break ! 💐

Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 21:01

66babe thank you for being to the point, needs to hear that!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/07/2021 21:04

Go on the Weekend break with your Parents, and tell Him to be gone, with all his stuff by the time you get back. 🌸

loveyourself2020 · 01/07/2021 21:14

How long have you been together? My STBX and I have been together twenty-six years. He is not violent, never cheated on me (as far as I know Grin), is a good dad, however he has a difficult personality, can be rude and obnoxious to everybody, is controlling, selfish, has no compassion etc. I am complete opposite so living with him was wearing me down to a point where I became so unhappy, grumpy, and sad. I started doing things by myself and the kids long time ago, but this did not feel so great as I would always think of him, how he does not approve of this, and this would spoil my mood.

Finally, two months ago I decided to call it quits. He was shocked and keeps telling people he does not know what happened, why we are splitting up. I finally realized that I only have one life and deserve to be happy. I wish I had done this years ago, when my kids were smaller and I was younger, but I say better ever then never.
And if you are asking me, I would say no, they are not worth it.

Nobody is worth your happiness and mental health.

Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 21:14

QueenBee52 yes that will probably happen! I don’t always know how much s**t to take from someone or when you should walk away as try to see the good in ppl or in this case my partner.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 01/07/2021 21:15

he didn’t want to communicate with me or be affectionate or sleep with me, he would be sarcastic a lot of the time been like this for long time

Why have you set your relationship bar so low? He sounds awful, also towards your parents. Please don't let this be the role model you give your kids.

Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 21:23

Love yourself2020 good for you he didn’t sound like a nice person, you did the right thing, we put up with it just because we think we have to have to, I will leave him I know I will just need to get my self together mentally and emotionally as I break down so easily, and know he will make it my fault why we split thinking he hasn’t done anything wrong, would be happy on my own with the kids think when u think like that that’s the end of the relationship. Such a shame that certain people can’t see something good I’m front of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum330 · 01/07/2021 21:56

Iflyaway I know he does give me hope sometimes but goes back to his normal self. Don’t think no one really changes.

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 01/07/2021 22:04

@Mum330
No they do not. If it is a certain behavior or a habit you may be able to change or adjust it, but a personality cannot be changed. Also, you have to be able to see that you are doing something wrong and willing to change. With my STBX that was not the case. He could never see when he was doing something wrong, could not apologize and would not change (b/c "there is nothing wrong with him"). Could not take it any more. Last year, I turned 50 and thought to myself, "I cannot take anybody's BS any more" and that was that for me. No looking back.

Separation process is painful, no doubt about that, and we just started it. But I know that it has to get worse before it gets better and I am patiently waiting for it. "Freedom" is my light at the end of the tunnel. Smile Freedom to be myself again.

ahoyshipmates · 01/07/2021 22:05

@Mum330

66babe that’s what I feel tbh but I’m to nice trying to keep everyone happy but think as time goes on will just not care any more if carry’s on! Are men worth it?!
It's not your responsibility to keep trying to make this obnoxious man happy. He really isn't worth the effort.

What does he do to make you happy?

Aria999 · 02/07/2021 01:20

A partner should be a partner. Work with you, have your back, think about what you need and what makes you happy, be civil to people who are important to you even if they don't like them.

Relationships need that kind of commitment (both ways) to work.

What is he actually bringing to your relationship? Sounds like you just try to keep him happy and he does what he wants?

layladomino · 02/07/2021 12:19

Agree completely with @Aria999. Is your relationship an equal coming together of two people who respect each other, support each other, look out for each other, and generally make each others' lives' easier and better? That is a healthy relationship. If you are making yourself unhappy to make your DP happy, then something is very wrong. And your DP should be worried that he's making you unhappy. Is he posting on forums asking people how he can make his DP happy and make her life better?

Go on the holiday with your DC. Have a lovely time. And reevaluate what you want from a relationship. Someone who doesn't make your life worse should be the bare minimum.

Justcallmebebes · 02/07/2021 12:24

The problem with trying to keep everyone happy is that a/ you usually can't and b/ it usually comes at the detriment of your own happiness.

Take your kids away for a break with your parents and leave him to sulk at home. Don't compromise your own happiness for somebody else, especially somebody undeserving

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