When he's both the best and the worst

[literaryloves]

I really love my boyfriend and there is so much good in the relationship. Friends and family say we are obviously made for each other and he makes me really happy. We fit together like two peas in a pod. But he has some issues. Partly because he has ASD, partly because he has a lot of trauma from his past. Sometimes he can really hurt me.

We have parts of our relationship that are fantastic and would be hard if not impossible to ever find again. However, I know there are times it is less than I deserve (he knows that too). I am just at a loss really. He's a good man, who sometimes makes the wrong decisions. He can be a wonderful, loving partner and he can also really let me down sometimes.

We are two flawed people who love each other very much, and I am worrying. I read on here all the time "it shouldn't be this hard". So why is it so hard? I feel like I met the person I love more than I have ever loved anyone before, and I know he feels the same, but often his past damage comes into the relationship.

He's not a fully healthy person, emotionally. I know this. There are limits and issues there and loving him is not always easy.

I don't know what I am asking for here really, but when I read these threads they often fall into "perfect husband" or "complete bastard" and I feel like I love someone who is somewhere in between, or who can be both.

We are at the point of marriage now, and I can't picture my life with anyone but him, but I feel like I am struggling at times. I am not sure how to process that I know I tolerate things in this relationship that I should not.

I'm confused really. I have had other relationships where the person never did anything I needed to post on Mumsnet about, but I wasn't as happy overall because he fits so well with me in so many ways. I am just sad that we have problems I can't seem to fix :(

Are there imperfect relationships out there with imperfect people that sometimes hurt? I am just confused about what to expect.

Only you know what you can tolerate. I was with a 'difficult' man for 10 years and in the end I just became so resentful. I ended up fearing him and his reactions so much there was no pleasure left in life. I just wanted what everyone else has and wondered why I was unworthy of being loved properly.
For ages I thought I could handle it because I was tough and resilient but he wore me into the ground. I'd think quite carefully about making a big commitment but as I say, only you can know.

Can you tell us a bit more about how he hurts you? I'd say he needs to want to explore why and how this happens and really make a change before you consider marriage.

If he doesn't want to change, then he doesn't care about your happiness enough to be a good husband, I'd say.

He hurts me by not being able to hear when I say something hurts or makes me feel unsafe. He sort of decides what he feels and can't compute that I might not feel the same way. So he can't take on board my feelings. It's hard to put into words without a long explanation. It's like a blindness to what my perspective might be and if I tell him (I am a good communicator) he doesn't really take it in. So this escalates to me getting very upset if it continues to be an issue and then I leave and come back within 48 hours. It's just crap. Happens every few months

I’d cut your losses, he doesn’t sound like you will be able to share a lifetime with him - and that is what marriage involves.

Like everyone, including me, DH can be a dick. But he is kind, it is in his nature, so he just can’t help being basically kind to people - waiting staff, friends, strangers, my family, me. I am pretty decent too. Your partner sounds like he lacks that basic decency. Maybe that isn’t his fault and is the result of his upbringing. But I suspect it will make you deeply unhappy over the long haul, so better to cut your losses now.

Dear OP, I see posts like these so often where people say that their partners are sometimes great and sometimes awful and I wonder how that is possible. If a person is "sometimes" awful than they can never be "great". Please think about this. Like some other poster said, we do not know enough about your partner to judge, but imagine this, you have someone who is amazing 99% of the time and then once a year he hits you, or yells at you, or tells you are stupid. Would you be with him?

The thing is people are not best or worst, most of us are actually in the middle. The key is how do you feel about your relationship? If you ask me I would tell you, if you are questioning it something is wrong with it. I am not saying you should break up, in fact you should try and work things out first, like counseling, if it is available. However, things rarely get better on their own and people rarely get used to being mistreated over the years, quite contrary, things will only get worst and you will become more and more unhappy and resentful.

Most important thing is, do not take this relationship to the next level until you have no doubts about it. I hope this helps.

It doesn't sound great OP, I'm sorry. I'm guessing theae incidents are related to your sex life? If so,this is when you are making yourself completely vulnerable to him,and he can't respect that? And doesnt see you as a separate person, basically. That is how abusers operate.

I couldn't marry someone who just saw me as an extension of himself , however loved up I was. You will be very stuck then.

Yes @loveyourself2020, exactly. I saw my ex recently after a couple of years and it reminded me that he's attractive, could be really good fun and we have a lot in common. Part of me still yearns after him a bit tbh but I know he's also made me feel as unhappy as its possible to feel. I'd say it was maybe 50/50 happy/awful which is not great therefore not sustainable.
OP, from your update it sounds like this is a pretty fundamental problem. Is he likely to change? It's very hard when you love someone and you're willing to make it work. Question is - is he?

@literaryloves

He hurts me by not being able to hear when I say something hurts or makes me feel unsafe. He sort of decides what he feels and can't compute that I might not feel the same way. So he can't take on board my feelings. It's hard to put into words without a long explanation. It's like a blindness to what my perspective might be and if I tell him (I am a good communicator) he doesn't really take it in. So this escalates to me getting very upset if it continues to be an issue and then I leave and come back within 48 hours. It's just crap. Happens every few months

He doesn't respect your wishes when having sex I assume?

You feel unsafe and vulnerable and he won't stop, to the point where you are so upset that you leave for a couple of days.

OP if this is the case then this is not ok. It's abuse.
Do not marry this man

Sorry, I see I've accidentally mislead. Nothing sexual, he is not abusive, he is kind and gentle. It's more issues, which healthy couples would sort out quickly with a simple conversation and compromise, but we don't because he won't see anyone's perspective but his own.

Example of the current one so you can understand how confounding his logic is.

We currently both have people chasing after us. Me a guy from work, him a girl from work.

Girl who with him wants him and makes no bones about making that clear and has even propositioned him openly for sex. In his mind this is meaningless because she's not as pretty as me, not appealing, he doesn't fancy her, loves me, nothing is going to happen and he's told her that, therefore he's decided it's not a problem.

If I try and explain it is a problem for me, and ask him to please not go to office drinks if I can't go as she tends to get a few drinks in her and be inappropriate and I find it - aside from anything else - undermining and embarrassing.

By contrast, the guy chasing after me is much more subtle. A few texts and asking if I fancied a walk a few times in lockdown. He told me he fancied me and I shut it down. My BF got insanely jealous, extremely threatened and so I told the guy we could have no more contact and completely avoid him.

This is a prime example. In his head, that was reasonable because he thought the guy was better looking / richer than him so he had logical reason to be threatened because he says he could not compete with him, whereas I could compete with this girl. So as his ASD brain can't see logical reason why I am threatened he ignores it when I tell him that I am.

This is just one example - it's like he applies logic to it and then sort of can't see that my feelings might not fit with that.

Then what happens is, I get upset, it builds over weeks or months, I feel insecure which is compounded by his failure to respond to what I need for reassurance. After all attempts at communications fail, I threaten to leave, this kicks in his abandonment fears and he begs me to not leave / really panics.

Then he is distant and sad for ages because he thinks I was going to leave him and this re-enforces his idea that I am too good for him, that I am not a safe partner, that it's a matter of time before I leave him for someone else.

It's not healthy and I don't know how to make him see we would never get to that point if he could listen and compromise and just hear what I am saying long before it builds.

@loveyourself2020

Dear OP, I see posts like these so often where people say that their partners are sometimes great and sometimes awful and I wonder how that is possible. If a person is "sometimes" awful than they can never be "great". Please think about this. Like some other poster said, we do not know enough about your partner to judge, but imagine this, you have someone who is amazing 99% of the time and then once a year he hits you, or yells at you, or tells you are stupid. Would you be with him?

The thing is people are not best or worst, most of us are actually in the middle. The key is how do you feel about your relationship? If you ask me I would tell you, if you are questioning it something is wrong with it. I am not saying you should break up, in fact you should try and work things out first, like counseling, if it is available. However, things rarely get better on their own and people rarely get used to being mistreated over the years, quite contrary, things will only get worst and you will become more and more unhappy and resentful.

Most important thing is, do not take this relationship to the next level until you have no doubts about it. I hope this helps.

He doesn't hit or shout or say mean things. He just had blindness to my feelings sometimes. If it were so overt it would be easy to say he was a bad person. I could list all the qualities of a healthy, happy relationship and we have loads of them but not all :(

He treats me like I am the best person in the world
So affectionate
Looks after me if I am poorly and makes sure I eat properly
Helps me with anything I need no matter how busy he is
Always listens to my thoughts
Supports and encourages me
Has great fun with me
He is totally reliable and honest to a fault
He is very, very kind
He is thoughtful and sweet
He is totally committed
He is gentle and forgiving
He always appreciates me

But we have a problem with empathy, boundaries and him being able to give things when I ask even if he doesn't understand why.

I love our relationship, but sometimes it makes me sad too. What a horrible answer, I know it should never make me sad. Maybe counselling is a good idea.

Speaking as someone with ASD, I’d say he needs to do a lot of work on himself. But I’d he willing to do that? You often find that autistic women work harder to make themselves empathetic ( yes, you can will yourself into developing empathy) and fitting in with neurotypical people, while autistic men just cruise along expecting to be accommodated- and that’s down to social conditioning.

If he is genuinely willing to do the work on himself- and this kind of thing is never quick or easy- CBT worked miracles for me. I can see it helping with the jealousy thing.

How long have you been together?

Empathy and compromise is vital in a relationship. It's what makes a relationship work long term. Never stay with someone who doesn't have empathy.

I think the scenario you however is fault on both sides. He is entitled to have work drinks and shouldn't have to avoid a group if one person is there. You can't police him and have to trust him.

Equally it isn't up to him to judge your boundaries. If you are trust worthy then he should alow you to police your own boundaries. However he has less choice to avoid a work colleague.

Does he have psst childhood trauma?

Has he been diagnosed with ASD?

If I try and explain it is a problem for me, and ask him to please not go to office drinks if I can't go as she tends to get a few drinks in her and be inappropriate and I find it - aside from anything else - undermining and embarrassing.

This is your insecurities speaking. Essentially you want to chaperone your partner because ……. What are your objections exactly? Are you upset about the double standards, do you not trust him, where does your hurt come from? In the example you’ve given, I understand his ‘logic’ a lot more than I understand your emotional response.

I’m not saying that all people on the spectrum would respond the same way but his ‘logical’ way of assessing situations, is not an unexpected behaviour from someone who has ASD.

It’s interesting that you’ve made your hurt (in this example) entirely his responsibility. Nowhere, have you shown the same level of insight in your behaviour that you expect from him and his and he has ASD.

I would be interested to hear more of your examples.

You say he’s failing

The deliberate vagueness of your first few posts were a sign that hurt was not entirely your H’s responsibility.

Oops
You say he’s failing
The deliberate vagueness of your first few posts were a sign that hurt was not entirely your H’s responsibility.

All the best op

This is a toxic relationship. It’s not normal or healthy. You can’t fix another person. You shouldn’t expect your DP to not go somewhere because someone else fancies him. Storming off for 48 hours is the behaviour of a teenager - you need to figure out something different. You haven’t mentioned if you would want children in the future but you can’t behave this way if you choose to have children this would be so damaging for them.

Why are you worried about him going for work drinks? If he has completely shut this woman down as you say he has, what is she doing that is causing you discomfort? Or do you think that actually he entertains her flirty behaviour at these events? If I felt my DH had properly shut down another woman's advances and that he avoided her in group settings and would firmly shut down further attempts at flirting, I wouldn't be at all bothered about him going for work drinks. If, on the other hand, I suspected that actually he allowed the flirting to happen at these occasions (even if only because it was an ego boost) I certainly wouldn't be happy about it. If he's doing the latter then he's not as straightforward as you make him out to be. If it's the former, then I think the issue is your own insecurity and actually I think his logic is perfectly sound.

I think you need to give deep consideration to what you are actually asking in your OP. You want him to see things from your perspective - fine. That's a reasonable request of a partner. But are you seeing things through his eyes too? Is what you're really asking, "how can I turn him into a neurotypical person?"

I would like to say two things on this.

1. You talk about how you can’t fix this issue. The problem is, it isn’t yours to fix. What really matters is does HE recognise it as a problem, and is HE willing to take steps (relationship counselling etc) to address it? If not, you need to understand that he can’t or won’t prioritise how you feel.

1. This one is more important: you can love someone more than anyone else in the world, and they can love you more than anyone else in the world, and it can still be completely toxic. It’s unfortunately the case that love is not enough. It’s a necessary part of a relationship, but it’s not the only necessary thing; mutual respect, understanding, tolerance - all of these are just as essential. You will break your own heart trying to make a relationship work with someone who can’t respect or understand your feelings.

I think in a relationship how far you can tolerate someone's faults is more important than how much you value their good points. We get very complacent about people's qualities over the years, yet their faults can chip away at us. Never pick someone whose faults make you very anxious or miserable.

It's a crap relationship. A good relationship does not feature this level of drama and overthinking. Cut your losses and get out

does he stop you from going to work events in case you see this other guy, or did you decide that?

you both feel threatened by these other people, but you feel youre handling it better?