How do I deal with this person?

[Rudeppl]

Just a bit of background...I’m an expat living abroad in Asia. Met my DP out here and we’ve been together now for just over two years. I’m mid 20s and he’s mid 30s if that’s relevant. We have been offered teaching jobs in a very lucrative international school. It’s one of those international schools where you’re pretty much in a compound and do everything on site.

The only thing that is making me doubt my decision is the fact that my DP’s best friend and his new girlfriend (they’ve been dating for under 1 year) have also been offered jobs at the same school. DP and his best friend have known each other for many years and they are almost like brothers. DP’s best friend and I had developed a good friendship until he met his current GF out here. I personally think she is extremely controlling. For example, she will give me really dirty looks every time I speak to her boyfriend. She often starts scrolling down her phone every time I speak in a group setting. I have asked her “ how are you” and I’ll get a one worded answer. He has also changed since meeting her and I often feel is he is listening to her opinions about me. As a result, I hardly see them anymore and I decided to keep a distance. She is a native of the country we live in. I understand that cultures can be different, but this is just plain rude behaviour. None of her behaviour has been called out on because she’s still new to the group.

How do I work with these people? We will be in different departments but I will see them on a social level far more regularly. I’m sick of putting on a front and pretending this behaviour doesn’t bother me.

My DP thinks I should just ignore it, be the bigger person and her true colours might show eventually in the new school. He thinks that either of us confronting them will just cause added issues and it is best to just ignore her behaviour. However it infuriates me that she gets away with such rude behaviour.

I have thought about confronting them but this is going to make things so awkward in the new school. I’m not sure if maybe I should just ask DP best friend if I have done something to upset her? But then this has been going on since September and he might just say why didn’t you say anything before and turn it on me? Expats often live in a bubble and I just don’t want to cause an awkward drama.

How would you deal this? I feel really lost and it’s starting to affect my mental health. I’m really not sure whether to even take this job because I am dreading seeing these people every day.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is so long!!

Perhaps just ignore her, at best exchange pleasantries if needed. Limit the talk with the guy (his loss) and go about your life enjoying your job and your life with your partner. It's hugely upsetting though, but I think don't feed the troll, she'll hey bored and move on.

Thanks for your reply. It does feel upsetting. I’ve never really had to deal with a situation like this before. Do you think I should say anything to her boyfriend? We had a good friendship before she came along

Not sure if it would just make everything very awkward though as the expat bubble is v small

I don’t think I’d go. If your boyfriend doesn’t even want to address the issues and the fact that you’re upset with his friend then I’d let him go on his own. He should want you happy, especially when you’re not going to be able to get away from them much.

I think you're letting it get to you as much as this because your peer group is quite small. If you had more acquaintances maybe you'd find it funny and not worry about it too much?
Hopefully in your new job you'll find people you can trust and get on with.
In the meanwhile just ignore her, don't socialise or anything.

I don't think you should.

I admit though that I'm quite passive in these situations but I don't see what good comes from it because I think at this point in time he'll side with her and the whole thing is at rush of imploding. I think you've got to decide, if you want the job then learn to keep her at a distance.

If he were to split from her having seen her true colours, then decide how you want to deal with it.

Goad her and you may get more of the same or worse behaviour.

@Honeyroar Thanks for your comment. We’ve had this discussion and he is very unwilling to speak with his best friend about it. He’s adamant that her true colours will show eventually. I also think why should I not go and give up this once in a lifetime opportunity and let her win?

Exactly. I came back to say that this is entirely about her insecurity, not you. Go live your best life and do your best to forget she even exists.

She is completely irrelevant to your life path. So is your DP mate. Ignore her and avoid spending time with them both. He can't be much of a good friend to you if he is letting her behave like this to you.

Go for he job.

Thanks @scrambledcustard She is just so sly when she gives the dirty looks. She does it when he is sat right next to him so I don’t even know if he’s aware.