Is your gut always right?

[IsItTooEarlyForAGin]

So I've been with my partner for 10 years, we have a 6 yo DD together and we have a brilliant relationship.
Lately though my gut is telling me he's up to something, I have zero proof and no reason not to trust him so I'm not sure where this feelings come from. I spoke to my sister who said your gut is always right and to listen to it but I've no proof of anything.
I sound crazy and I promise I'm not but I can't shake this feeling I've got.
Has anyone's gut feeling ever been wrong?

@optimistic40 sex has dwindled but I've put that down to us both working opposite shifts and it dwindled before I got this feeling. Thinking about it, he's not as affectionate as he used to be, I didn't even get a kiss when he came home from work tonight
@OnlyMsLonely I'm 39

Have you spent too much time on here and assume most men are cheating or trying to?

I had the worst feeling my xh was cheating, zero proof. Nothing different. I ignored it on and off for nearly a year.
I was right. When I spoke to my (adult kids) they also had the same feeling. I will never doubt my gut again.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Have you spent too much time on here and assume most men are cheating or trying to?

No, although I do like to read posts on hers I don't assume all men are cheating or trying to cheat on their partners

@dancemusicsexromance

I had the worst feeling my xh was cheating, zero proof. Nothing different. I ignored it on and off for nearly a year. I was right. When I spoke to my (adult kids) they also had the same feeling. I will never doubt my gut again.

It's so strange isn't it? There's been occasions in my life where my gut feeling was spot on but I'm doubting it this time for some reason.

I think if you have any sort of anxiety, paranoia or trust issues, even from the past, then you can't trust your gut feeling.
Sometimes even hormones can make us feel like we are going crazy, and make assumptions or get the wrong end of the stick. Well, that's how it works for me anyway.

If you get a feeling of ''oh I don't like that' or 'hmm, that doesn't seem right', don't ignore it.

@TheVolturi

I think if you have any sort of anxiety, paranoia or trust issues, even from the past, then you can't trust your gut feeling. Sometimes even hormones can make us feel like we are going crazy, and make assumptions or get the wrong end of the stick. Well, that's how it works for me anyway.

I was cheated on in a previous relationship and I had a feeling something was going on then, I've never once in this relationship had any gut feeling or paranoia. I think for now I'll just wait and see. I've never been the paranoid, check the phone type and I don't want to be that person. I've noticed tonight though he seems to have something on his mind, I've asked if everything's ok and he said he's just tired. Still no peck on the cheek or anything though

Could you ask him outright?

Not just a gut feeling though is it? His behaviour has changed and you've picked up on that.

Your gut is your intuition screaming at you for some reason. Dont ignore that you've noticed changes but dont assume it's because hes cheating. The lack of affection...no peck etc....seeming distant.... somethings going on you just need to find out what x

My gut has always been right though in the past two instances I've put it off to give benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to believe what my gut was telling me. Inevitably though, it was right. First was my ex's affair after 15 years but his behaviour was so out of the ordinary it was clear something was going on. The other was just a couple of weeks ago when I finally came to my senses and realised my long distance partner was still seeing the wife he was meant to be separated from despite telling me he was going to be moving in with me within the next month. I'm now hurting.

Now your gut has raised your awareness, you will be hypersensitive to those subtle changes. You need proof though otherwise you'll be like me, constantly giving the benefit of the doubt.

In answer to the headline question rather than getting drawn into the actual situation, do you think that sometimes we respond to fear (of getting dumped) because it has happened several times before and we expect it, rather than it being a gut feeling, it's an expectation?

@Sandra15

In answer to the headline question rather than getting drawn into the actual situation, do you think that sometimes we respond to fear (of getting dumped) because it has happened several times before and we expect it, rather than it being a gut feeling, it's an expectation?

That certainly sounds plausible, but I've read several threads on here where the poster reports a gut feeling which they have never had before in long relationships. I think in these cases it is much more likely to be a subtle shift in the behaviour of the other person which causes the gut feeling response, rather than a pre-existing fear held by the person experiencing the gut feeling. From an evolutionary perspective, the ability to sense danger is obviously useful as it aids survival. Just as we were once attuned to unusual movements in nature, perhaps indicating the presence of a predator, it is more than likely modern humans can sense subtle and unusual shifts in their partner's behaviour.

It can actually be very small things you pick up on— many years ago my H had an emotional affair/crush (not sure if it was on both sides ) with a young woman who lived across the road and did bits of work for us too. I picked up on the fact he would suddenly put aftershave on and make sure his hair looked good and then suddenly announce out the blue he had to pop over and help their family with the computer— he always sounded quite anxious when he said it too— as if He thought I might stop him- there was just a tiny kind of guilty edge to it. It simply triggered something that didn’t sit quite right and it’s often things like this I think

Unfortunately yes. I've ignored my gut a few times and each time I wished I hadn't.
I think we just pick up on something which doesn't quite seem right but we don't exactly know why or what it is right away.

You say he seems a bit less affectionate. And you've noticed this only now because you have this gut feeling about something. I'd keep my eye open for other signs of changes, but don't let him know.

*Perhaps you all only remember the cases when you were right and do not remember the cases when your gut feeling was wrong?

Or as a MNetter once said - follow your gut, embrace your prejudices.*

This. Listen to your instinct but apply logic too.

I think it would be better to say 'You need to be a good friend to your gut', rather than 'Your gut is always right'

So, imagine if some stranger in the street came up to you, drunk, and said 'You're husband's sleeping with my best mate', you would dismiss this because you're not her friend, you don't respect her, and, frankly, you just think she's being a bit stupid and causing trouble for no reason. Lots of people have this response to their gut feelings. They basically are happy to disregard their own emotional self as some kind of drunken street prat.

Now imagine if your long time closest friend came to you, sat you down quietly, got you a drink, and told you she had something hard to tell you. 'I'm so sorry, but James has been having an affair with Sue from the office. I told him that if he didn't tell you by today, I would, because I can't bear to see you being betrayed like this.' Are you going to disregard what she says out of hand, like you did with street prat? No. You're going to take her much more seriously, and tell James what she's said, to guage his response.

That's how to deal with your gut feelings and suspicions. They might not always be right. They don't just make crap up for nothing. It might be that he's having an affair, or it might be that you have some insecurities to look into, but either way, listen to what your gut tells you.